Wheel Gun Bob

Hostess with the mostess

2012-01-13T10:14:00.002-05:00

Horrible news! Despite my best efforts, Hostess, the maker of the legendary and tasty Twinkie, has filed for chapter 11. You would think that all those Little Debbie’s Snack cakes I’ve shoved in my pie hole over the years would have increased their bottom line instead of just increasing my bottom’s size. I may have to redouble my efforts, hunker down and pound some serious Devil Dog and be rapacious in my pursuit of Ring Dings. In the meantime, here are some suggestions for Hostess to help turn things around.

Find a real sexy spokesman for the product. Some long legged super model slowly sucking the cream filling out of a Twinkie would make for a good commercial. You could also use Tim Tebow to hawk Wonder bread by tossing a loaf, quarterback style. Never mind that he would miss the receiver.

You know how Twinkies will last forever due to the copious amounts of preservatives in them? Well play that angle up with a series of ads touting Hostess as the post-apocalyptic, zombie infested, dystopian survival food. Hostess should defiantly sponsor “Walking Dead.” Tag line “Don’t eat brains, eat Hostess Cupcakes!”

I would go on but I have a sudden craving for some Zebra Cakes.

Picking The Corn Holer In Iowa

2012-01-03T16:40:00.000-05:00

So who is it going to be - human prolapsed rectum Ron Paul, anal sex detritus Rick Santorum or establishment boy Mitt Romney? The rest are gonzo, let’s face it. Too bad about Newt though since he was at times even more amusing than Herman Cain. Mark my words, Mitt will be the eventual winner of the nomination. Only thing left for excitement will be his choice of VP. Betcha he chooses blubbery blowhard Chris Christie who will make a great and very large attack dog. Mitt will stay above the fray saying whatever he needs to get you to vote for him while Christie will say really bad things about the negro who dares occupy our White House. Wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Mitt made a deal with the double-wide New Jersey governor not to run for president in exchange for the future VP nod. Now I’m praying for Ron Paul/Sarah Palin 3rd party run!

A Letter To Santa Claus

2011-12-22T13:11:00.001-05:00

[Ed. Note: We asked WGB to submit a cheery blog for the holidays and this is what he came up with. Our profoundest apologies.]

Dear Santa:

You corpulent piece of reindeer scat. You didn’t get me anything from my fucking Christmas wish list last year! I have half a mind to head on up to the north pole and pound some thermite up your flabby white ass. You spend all year playing weird sex games with your dwarf slaves leaving yourself no time to execute your primary function which is to bring me presents! And lord knows I don’t ask for much. Just a gun or maybe a new car. Too busy getting a Cleveland steamer from a midget to facilitate a new firearm for Wheel Gun Bob, eh? Well fuck you!

Tell you what, this year I will give you one more chance. This is what I want - an over/under 12 gauge shotgun. Simple. Just go to the Kittery Fuckin’ Trading Post (KFTP) and get me one. How hard is that (that’s what Mrs. Claus said)? Just keep this in mind, you bloated shithead – fuck up and you will be shaking like a bowl full of gelignite and there will be a pink mist instead of Saint Nick.

Merry Christmas,

Wheel Gun Bob

Less Wheel Gun Bob To Come

2011-12-02T16:49:00.001-05:00

I’m going to get me one of them deli counter take-a-number things. Would you like to know the reason? Well, let me tell you my dearest cyber minions. It’s because the latent Adonis in me is about to re-emerge, much to the delight of those with vaginas. See, I am on a crash diet that will turn me from the larger gentleman I am now into a svelte and desirous object. I will make even Herman Caine jealous with the amount pussay I will get. I will be swarmed with pizda hence the need for the deli number thing. I might even have to cancel some of my subscriptions to porn sites since I won’t have the time to devote to them anymore. In the meantime, I’m fucking hungry.

Herman, Bobby, Ray

2011-11-30T12:53:00.001-05:00

Random but hilarious/witty/insightful thoughts from yo' gangsta Wheel Gun Bob:

Ole Herman Cain apparently gets more ass than a Grand Canyon tour. But should it disqualify him from being president? No, it’s his idiotic, goofy and dangerous ideas that should disqualify him. It’s not the behind, it’s the 9-9-9. But he is still the most amusing candidate out there so I hope he stays in the race.

Bobby Valentine is now the Red Sox manager. He is an egomaniacal blowhard, sort of the opposite of the most successful manager in Red Sox history, Terry Francona. Can’t wait to see what transpires. I hope he wears more disguises and sneaks back into dugouts after being kicked out of games like he’s done before. Wouldn’t it be great if an umpire ran him and then Bobby comes back dressed as a Rabbi or Darth Vader or Dorothy from the Land of Oz?

The new Mars rover is on its way to the red planet. This sucker is a lot bigger and ballsier than previous rovers. Its nuke powered so if it survives its terrifying trip to the Martian surface then it will potentially last for years. I know the Martians will eventually get sick and tired of avoiding it and hiding from it so they may just zap it with a ray gun after a few months. Or maybe the rover will send back a picture of a sign that says “Fuck off already!” in Martian. And hopefully the Martian holding the sign looks just like Ray Walston.

Word.

More Lies!

2011-11-08T15:56:00.001-05:00

President Obama is a festering liar. Yes, I know all politicians, particularly presidents, lie through their teeth all the time. Our last president lied so much that he got us into the raging fucking mess we are in now. And the current liar in chief is hardly able to get us out of it. But there are lies and then there are lies. It’s one thing to just systematically lie the country into a useless war that will cost us trillions of dollars and snuff out hundreds of thousands of lives. It’s another thing entirely to lie about the existence of extra-terrestrials as the Whitehouse did recently. In a lie of intergalactic proportions, the Obama administration claimed, in response to some petitions, that it has no evidence that extraterrestrials have ever tried to contact humans or that there is any evidence of a cover up. WHOPPER! Good god, does he take us for fools? He even has a reptilian humanoid for a Secretary of State for chrissakes! Come on.

Maybe the Whitehouse response was dripping with sarcasm that no one picked up on or perhaps it was “opposite day.” If not, WE THE PEOPLE KNOW BETTER! Cut the bullshit and stop treating us like children. First Roswell now this. Us folk up here in New Hampshire have to contend with UFOs all the time (incident at Exeter, Betty and Barney Hill, etc.) so you ain’t foolin’ us, Mr. President. Next time I see a UFO hovering around the Schiller plant should I pretend it’s not there?

Despite Mr. Obama’s blatant disregard for the truth, I will be winter proofing my house this weekend and at the same time, alien proofing it. My next blog will contain tips and tricks so that you, my dear cyber children, can do the same.

Hey Moe!

2011-10-20T12:03:00.000-04:00

I’m going to miss Muammar Qaddafi if reports of his demise are true. Yes, Moʼammar Gadhafi apparently had his head ventilated or was blown up or something violent was done to him with extreme prejudice that caused him to leave this mortal coil. Too bad because ole Muammar Kaddafi was an entertaining, if bloodthirsty, ruthless dictator. Moammar El Kadhafi was responsible for many deaths and almost as many names but nonetheless had a certain charisma. Muʼammar al-Qadafi always looked comical to me and I can see him cracking people up as he cracked heads.

Muʻammar na a Qadhdhāfī was responsible for blowing up a plane over Scotland killing many people and no doubt lots of sheep. But we forgave Muammar Ghaddafy with G.W. Bush at the helm probably due to the fact Muhammar Gandolphini had oil. And yes, Muammar gandalf vs Dumbledore had a lot of oil! That’s the only reason that Mouammar Garciapara stayed around so long as he did.

Rest In Hell Mo’ammar El S’zyslak.

Almost time to get out the guillotines

2011-10-18T13:59:00.002-04:00

I may not be a true economist per say, but anyone with half a brain can see that Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 tax plan is sheer stupidity. And guess who will end up paying more taxes and who will end up paying less? Its seems whenever an extremely rich person proposes changing the tax code we get fucked. I’m sure Millionaire Mitt’s tax plan will do the same. And these tax plans appeal to the vacuous masses because they are “simple.” Just because something is simple doesn’t necessarily make it good. A 2 x 4 piece of wood is very simple indeed but would you want it shoved up your ass?

My god are the rich getting away with it these days! And when you dare call them on their regressive bullshit they wail like diaper rash ravaged babies and scream “class warfare!” Damn right it’s class warfare; only it’s the rich trying to get richer by shitting all over the rest of us. You hear all these scary stats like the richest 1% of the country own 40% of the wealth and how that’s been increasing over the years. Some really greedy mofos out there.

The truly sad part is how the Greedpublicans are roiling the masses using the Tea Party. They have their tea-bagger minions out there spouting their crap about how the liberals want to destroy the country, how god will punish us for gay marriage, etc. while the rich calmly pick their pockets clean. Perhaps one of these days a tea-bagger will turn around and see a 2 x 4 protruding ruefully out of his ass and actually realize he’s been fucked.

Phishing for Greedpublicans

2011-10-12T11:14:00.000-04:00

Haven’t heard from me in a while, have you? What I was doing was punishing you guys for not reading my blogs by not blogging. So there! I hope you have learned a valuable lesson. I am willing to put this episode behind us so I will now fashion a jaunty little blog out of the bits and bytes.

Much to talk about actually. Let’s start with those dirty, smelly hippies trying to harsh Wall Street’s buzz. I say hire Phish to play a free concert nearby and when the hippies gravitate towards it like moths to a light bulb, lay patchouli activated AHMs (anti-hippie mines) and build a fence around Wall Street. After all, we don’t want all those poor millionaires distracted by all the chanting and drum circles while they are busy trying to screw the rest of us.

Speaking of greed, the lineup of Republican (to be known henceforth as “Greedpublican”) candidates is as entertaining as ever despite the lack of The Wild Woman of Wasilla. Herman Cain in particular is a riot, Rick Perry is a dumb version of George Bush (wow, trying to wrap my mind around what I just said), Michele Bachman is some freakish Stepford wife, Ron Paul is Ayn Rand in drag, and Romney is, well, whatever you want him to be. Despite my extreme displeasure with the current occupant of the White House, I could never vote for any of these jokers.

Stay tuned and come back often or prepare to be punished again.

Ignore this blog post

2011-07-14T16:27:00.001-04:00

In three weeks the country is going to hit the debt ceiling which is going to cause all sorts of horrible disasters such as collapsing financial markets, pestilence and backed-up toilets. Ole WGB is an expert at things hitting the ceiling so I will provide real solutions right now in this blog.

Eat the rich. Don’t just raise their taxes, cook them and eat them! I get dibs on Melinda Gates. End all wars and slash the defense budget to the bone. Give everyone in the country an M-16 and we can defend ourselves. Hey, wait a moment – didn’t I write a blog just like this not long ago? See, I am repeating myself. I refuse to re-read my past posts since that always gives me fecal urgency but I’m sure I wrote one just like this about how to balance the budget. So never mind.

Good god this blogging thing is ending with a whimper and not a bang.

Salchicha por un pasillo

2011-06-23T19:52:00.002-04:00

I am going to quit blogging once I hit 300 posts so I need to pump some out quickly. Quality will suffer I’m sure but you aren’t paying for them, right? I am reaching into my old bag of tricks and will write another blog in Spanish. I remember how much you guys loved it last time.

¿Sabes lo que estaba pensando el otro día? Pezones de Sarah Palin. Quiero verlos! Me pregunto si son gomas de borrar lápiz (tarta 'n minúscula o los registros de Lincoln), puffles, dipples o dólares de plata. Yo pondría mi dinero en crunchberries. Todos sabemos que tiene los tobillos lindo que ella sin duda tiene detrás de las orejas la mayor parte del tiempo. Lo siento por Todd. Fucking Sarah debe ser como tirar una salchicha por un pasillo. Espero que Sarah vuelve en ese recorrido en autobús de ella para que podamos ver más de ella. Tal vez se detendrá en algún lugar que es un poco ventoso y fresco y podemos ver sus pezones erectos de lo que realmente son.

Amy Wine-o

2011-06-21T14:48:00.003-04:00

[I noticed after posting my last brilliant blog that I have 23 more to go to reach a total of 300 posts. I was thinking of hanging up my blogging spikes for good after that. I mean, does anyone even read this anymore? Huh? Huh? Answer me! I would normally say “cue the cricket chirps” at this point but why even bother? Too bad because I have so much more to say. If a blog were to be posted in cyberspace and no one read it, would it make the sound of one hand clapping? Well enough of this self-pity! I will now provide the first of my last 23 blogs]

Normally I don’t give a naked mole rat’s copulatory organ about pop singers these days but I’m totally digging Amy Winehouse. She’s no squeaky voiced, auto-tuned, no-talent fraud like the rest. She can actually sing. But that’s not what entertains me about her. It’s the fact she’s a total crack head alcoholic. I saw a video clip of her attempting to perform shortly after having left rehab. She is totally blasted, stumbling around, dropping her mic, mumbling incoherently and generally acting as if she doesn’t know what planet she’s on. It was almost like performance art. I can’t imagine why people were booing and leaving.

Wood n' Wiener

2011-06-18T00:24:00.005-04:00

I told you! Bruins in 7. As usual my prediction was 100% dead accurate. I didn’t even have to go back and edit the post to make it jibe with reality. And I don’t know that much aboot hockey! Hey, isn’t there some big golf thing going on at the moment? I predict that Tiger Woods will not win it.

I’m bummed that Anthony Wiener resigned. His situation was cause for great hilarity. So what is he going to do now? I think he should get a show on cable called “Weiner’s World” where he goes around to all the underground sex parties and dungeons and explores the perverse underbelly of our society. I’m serious – it would be a huge hit. Perhaps Tiger Woods could be his co-host.

Stanley Cup vs. Midget Wrestling

2011-06-13T17:25:00.002-04:00

I’m all excited about tonight. On one hand there are the Bruins who must win tonight to have a chance at the Stanley cup. On the other hand is midget wrestling, AKA the Republican Presidential “Debate.” Mitt Romney will be the guy all the others will pile on since he had the audacity to come up with the healthcare plan that Obama based his own on. It will be funny to see how these candidates will fight to out conservo each other. At the end of the debate I’m sure they will be calling for the complete eradication of all taxes, the dismantling of Social Security and Medicare, the mass extermination of all non-Christians in this country and who knows what else. It will be funny to hear all the pandering. How many times will they mention God or Jesus? How much hate can they heap on Obama? How much loyalty can they profess for Israel? Who will come out for boiling abortion doctors alive first? Actually, this might not be so funny.

Fuck it. I’m watching the Bruins.

Now get the puck oot of here!

2011-06-09T19:05:00.000-04:00

People keep asking me about the Bruins since I am a veritable cornucopia of knowledge about other sports. But I don’t really follow hockey and the reason is that I never knew it even existed until I moved to New England when I was 15 (and no, I wasn’t on the Mayflower). It seems to me that hockey has too much accidental offense and no one is really in control. About the only thing I like about (or should I say “aboot”?) hockey is the fighting. Still, I will venture a prediction. Bruins in 7. There you go.

“The idjut is coming, the idjut is coming!”

2011-06-06T16:08:00.001-04:00

Oh, my dear cyber worshippers, am I a bumming unit at this moment! I’m stuck in the bowels of this giant building far, far away from the beautiful day what’s going on outside. But here I must be so I will try to mitigate a little of my misery by handcrafting a little bloggeroo for you! How great is that? A random thoughts one it will be then:

That moronic MILF Sarah Palin is on a bus tour to show off her breath taking stupidity. Thank god Paul Revere went around ringing bells warning the British not to take our guns away from us. The revolutionary war was about gun control after all. Sarah was right about this since you can’t own a handgun in Britain. Can there please be a modern day Paul Revere galloping just ahead of Sarah Palin’s tour bus warning Americans “The idjut is coming, the idjut is coming!”

I think this whole “Wienergate” thing is great. How funny is it that a congressman name Wiener is sending pictures of his wiener to women? I actually heard someone on the radio say “This Weinergate thing is getting bigger every day.” What a riot. Let’s get one thing straight about Wienergate and see what pops up! Maybe Wiener should hang with the “wide stance” congressman.

There seem to be tornados everywhere these days. This is no doubt god’s retribution for gays in the military. When I was a kid I used to pack my suitcase and hang out in the basement with my brother during tornado watches. Even though the summer weather could get a lot nastier where I was living than New England, the tornado never arrived. But that was even before “don’t ask don’t tell” so maybe god wasn’t too pissed.

Well, that’s enough malarkey from me. Your welcome.

Gaga Beast

2011-06-02T00:39:00.006-04:00

Help me out here, ma cyber peeps - just who the hell is "Lady Gaga"? He/she is apparently a popular "singer" of indeterminate sexuality and origin. Of course I wouldn't know a Lady Gaga "song" if you were to super glue it to the end of your tallywacker and bugger me up the arse with it! No doubt she/he is an auto-tuned monstrosity that is a hit with our less than discriminating youth here in A'merka.

Lady Gaga might be some form of alien/human hybrid that was developed in a lab at Area 51. But who really knows what goes on there? Some pictures of Area 51 were just released that supposedly show a precursor to the SR-71 spy plane. I took a close look at these recently declassified photos and saw no evidence of any alien life forms. Of course they won’t ever declassify pictures of aliens.

In order to get more information on Lady Gaga, I went to where I normally go for 100% accurate and up to date info – Wikipedia. I was hoping to find out where the beast was hatched/created. Area 51? No, unfortunately, New York city is listed as to where it was “born.” I kept reading and noticed this sentence that somehow the government censors missed: Lady Gaga’s hibernaculum is Groom Lake, Nevada. Ha! Groom Lake is Area 51! So it goes there periodically to shed its skin or whatever. I knew it! Yet another example of a reptilian humanoid.

If you don’t believe me, check the Wikipedia article out yourself. But do it quickly since the government keeps a wary eye on this blog and will correct their oversight within minutes of its posting.

PRDS

2011-05-23T18:52:00.001-04:00

I actually had to go to work today which is normally bad enough but, since on Friday I thought I would never have to work again, it’s even worse. See, I am suffering from post-rapture depressive syndrome. I am painfully pissed that I’m not in heaven with my 72 virgins and most of the rest of the world is not in the throes of natural disasters and zombie revolts. Fuck this shit. On the bright side, there are far more than 72 virgins where I work. Too bad they are all men. So I guess I am going to have to pull myself together and get on with life. “The end is nigh” my ass.

A-Gone, All-Gone

2011-05-21T09:33:00.003-04:00

Adrian Gonzales sure can pound the shit out of the ball. The Sox are starting their climb to the top of the American League East. Too bad there won't be a World Series since the end is nigh! At 6:00PM tonight, the rupture, er, rapture is taking place. So this will be my last blog ever unless I can blog from heaven. I just hope I will get my 72 virgins. You poor sinners will be left on earth to fend off armies of zombies and Republicans. Have fun!

Osama Bin Bukake

2011-05-19T13:03:00.001-04:00

Turns out the world’s most evil person, Osama Bin Laden, was a porn freak. It’s been claimed by the White House that the Navy Seals who ventilated Osama’s head found a cache not of weapons of mass destruction but weapons of masturbation. Love it. I can just picture the old bearded goat fucker contentedly spit shining the old water pump while watching “Barnyard Antics 4.” I wonder if he screamed “Allah Akbar!” when he blew his little load.

You wonder why anyone with a whole bunch of wives would need to watch porn. He probably had plenty of sheep and goats handy as well. Maybe he would get his trusted advisors together for a circle jerk. They would all yell “ba-la-la-la-la-la” and “death to America!” as they launched their liquid progeny. Perhaps they were all into an Islamic version of bukake and Osama’s courier would look like a Honey Dew glazed donut after they were all done.

Or, who knows, maybe porn to those pricks was just looking at a woman's ankle. Maybe they were watching “Ankles of Bagdad 4.”

In any case, too bad Osama Bin Laden will miss the Navy Seal snuff film starring Osama Bin Laden.

Good God

2011-05-18T11:26:00.003-04:00

That swinging dick “billionaire” Donald Trump has taken his hat out of the ring for the Republican presidential nomination. But don’t worry, that still leaves a menagerie of other wing-nuts and jackasses to amuse and horrify us. It’s fun to watch them try to out right wing each other. Eventually one of them will just come out with a rope and call for the lynching of that uppity Obama.

I have fashioned a quick speech these pig fuckers can use to get their red meat sucking constituents howling and salivating.

I’m glad I could be here today. Obama hates white people. America is the greatest country God ever invented which he did so shortly after creating the earth six thousand years ago. He made the countries alphabetically so we came first. Too bad about the Zulus! We win, zu-lose! [wait for laughter to die down] Speaking of Zulus, Obama’s from Africa and he is a radical fundamentalist Muslim socialist atheist liberal who wants our guns to help pay for his Obama care!

If elected president of this great land, I would get rid of all taxes except for those on sharia law and immigrants. I would use the revenue to pay for the defense budget exclusively. A healthy defense industry is the key to a healthy economy. A rising tide floats all boats especially destroyers and aircraft carriers. Obama hates God.

I would get rid of all the departments such as NPR, the Department of Education, the NEA, HUD, EPA, etc. Well, I would keep NASCAR but that’s it! Hell, the only people out of work will be liberals. Maybe I will tax their lattes too.

This god fearing country needs a strong leader who will stand up to the single moms, welfare queens and teenage girls seeking abortions who are destroying us. And we need someone who is not afraid to lob cruise missiles anywhere in the world whenever Israeli or the United States feel the least bit threatened.

I am the man for the job! Obama hates America. I was born in this country! I believe in God!

God bless America. And God bless God.

There you have it. Took me three minutes to write. Maybe I will whore myself out and become Mitt Romney’s speech writer.

Osama Bin Fishfood

2011-05-02T18:10:00.003-04:00

Ding dong the witch is dead. Or at least the Al-Qaida leader is dead. I guess a whole bunch of flies will be without employment since they won’t have Osama Bin Laden to orbit anymore. It took long enough. Too bad we had to go gallivanting off into Iraq for years before we finally gave Bin Laden a third eye. And the ironic thing is it was ordered by our president whom everyone knows is a secret mooslum who hates America. Will wonders ever cease?

So can we now get back to the bidniz of America which is bidniz, yo? Can we leave the Muslim countries to their own devices now? Let’s dig out that “Mission Accomplished” banner Bush had made and add a “It’s about fucking time” banner, display them at ground zero and move on.

P.S. Is that pig fucker Donald Trump going to demand to see Bin Laden’s long form death certificate?

Shuttle Cock

2011-04-16T12:03:00.003-04:00

In case you haven’t heard, the Space Shuttle program is shutting down soon and NASA will be selling off its remaining shuttles to museums. I will attempt to get a hold of one by claiming I run the “Wheelgun Bob Museum of Science and Pyromania.” I can’t think of anything more fun to have than a space shuttle. I’m not sure if I can even fit it in my backyard. What would I use it for? Well, I wouldn’t fly the damned thing into orbit unless NASA would sell me boosters with it. I might take it for shorter trips though. As I recall, the Shuttle’s main engines provide a million and a half pounds of thrust. I think I could get to California pretty quickly in a sub-orbital hop.

Man, would I be a serious hit with the chicks! Chicks would totally dig the shuttle. Well, so-and-so has a Ferrari? No big deal – I have the fucking space shuttle! Huge parties could be held in the cargo bay. I could give the neighbourhood kids rides. If Jehovah’s Witnesses were to come near the house, I would fire up the engines and scare the bejeezus-christ out of them. I could dig a huge pit, fill it with hamburgers and hot dogs and with one quick burst of the throttle, instant BBQ! I could vaporise squirrels. I could also make some money on the exhibition drag racing circuit.

Speaking of space flight, I was contemplating Yuri Gagarin the other day. He was the first human in space and it was the 50th anniversary of his flight. You have to have a serious pair in order to ride a rocket. And you must have a honkin’ serious pair to be the first one ever to do it. Of course he may have had no say in the matter knowing those crazy Soviets. But he did it. Orbited the earth in a little metal ball and survived. He must have gotten laid by every freaky Natasha in the Soviet Union after that. Well, once I get my hands on a space shuttle I will get more tang than an astronaut.

Moe-mar, Larry-mar, Curly-mar

2011-03-22T02:24:00.009-04:00

I was trying to put the day's woes behind me by enjoying a little girl-on-girl action on the web but every time they showed a close up of a labia I would think of Libya. Damn. So I decided I should probably perform my public duty and explain this whole Libyan fiasco to you, the mindless devotees of Wheel Gun Bob.

Here is the deal – dictator Mom-mar Qaddafi (Note - I have relied upon Open Office spell check to render his name properly but this may not be correct) is a raging kwack-sucka with out a doubt. He treats his peeps like shit. Always has. He even had the gall to blow up a 747 over bonnie wee Scotland. One of our idiot presidents (wow – which one?) even tried to kill him with a cruise missile but ended up killing his daughter instead. Mission-a-fucking-complished.

Recently it seems that “we” have had an understanding with the big Mo. He just had to provide us with oil, not threaten Israel too much and keep the fly attracting fundamentalists at bay. But guess what? He lost control!

So despite the fact we are broke, at least according to the opportunistic, shit-feasting Republican teabaggers, this country just spent well over a hundred million dollars yesterday to try to defend “freedom” from Mommar Ghaddaffi (once again - its not like his last name is “Fitzgerald” - in other words, open to interpretation). Man, you would think he was a member of the teachers union!

Bottom line in my mind is that President Obama did something that was unconstitutional and declared a war without Congressional approval.

I will now, and will forever forward, refer to Obama as “Bush Jr”.

A Warning From Wheel Gun Reptilicus

2011-03-08T16:19:00.002-05:00

Some NASA scientist opened up a meteorite and found what he thinks is evidence of extraterrestrial biology. I don’t think alien bugs crawled out exactly, which would have been great, but an electron microscope did find what appear to be bacteria like fossils. Ah! So perhaps life began somewhere besides Earth. Maybe those crafty aliens were “seeding” our planet while it was in its primordial state. Or maybe life on Earth evolved alongside the seeded alien life. That annoying moron in the cube next to you might be a secret lizard person descended from alien seed!

It’s well established fact that reptilian humanoids control humanity. Maybe they came to this earth via a comet a few billion years ago. Whatever their origins, we need to be on the lookout for them. And I don’t mean just the obvious ones like Kris Kristofferson or Hillary Clinton. I’m talking about your mailman or the reclusive lady next door. Here are some sure fire ways to uncover them.

Carry meal worms with you at all times. If someone starts sniffing at the air near you and asks “do you have meal worms in your pocket?,” say “no! I’m just glad to see you” and run like hell.

Causally engage them in conversation and tell them your favorite TV show is Man vs. Wild especially the episode where he bites the head off the lizard. If you notice a serious wince and then a look of extreme anger, make for the hills.

If you see someone sun themselves on rocks while naked, I would tend to be suspicious. Also, if they despise winter be very suspicious. Offer to take them on a Caribbean cruise. If they say “yes,” get the hell out of Dodge.

So be wary the Reptilians, my friends. Keep both eyes wide open for them, swiveling them independently if you can like I do.

Federal Budgerigar

2011-02-18T20:51:00.004-05:00

President Obama just submitted a federal budget that includes some cuts, but not enough to satisfy the blood thirsty teabaggers. My prodigious knowledge of economics belies the fact that I do not have a degree in the field but, degree or not, I will offer some advice to lawmakers on what they can safely slash from the budget. And some ideas to raise revenue.

Social Security

Raise the retirement age for women to at least 75 years since on average they out live men.

Defense

Cut the Pentagon budget by first cutting the Pentagon itself, making it the Quadragon. You could also make defense a for profit venture. Whenever we invade a country, make sure we pillage and plunder sufficiently to cover costs and then get sponsorships to turn the profit. “The Iraq War brought to you by Home Depot and Massengale Disposable Douches!” Put ads on the sides of warships, Humvees, helicopters, etc. Have all the apparel sponsored by Nike, Fruit Of The Loom and other clothing manufacturers. Have the MREs sponsored by White Castle or Burger King.

Healthcare

Require that all Senators and Congressmen/women relinquish their government sponsored healthcare. Those fuckers are all rich so they can afford their own healthcare. Preventive medicine – in order to get any government assistance you must get a high colonic administered every month by a lawmaker. Remember, the key to health is a healthy colon. Start death panels – Now we all know that Sarah Palin made the idea of “death panels” up to scare people but I say it’s a good idea. Besides, old people smell funny and are boring.

Huge mother fucking yard sale

Choose a Sunday and put all but the absolutely essential government property out for sale. Airforce 2, decommissioned subs, the space shuttles, SR-71s, furniture, paper clips, most of the Library of Congress, Area 51, all memorials, vehicles, etc. Sell the whole of Washington DC to Maryland. Sell the wildlife in the national parks to cat food companies and Chinese restaurants.

Shit, we would be running surpluses again in no time!

Chochem the Ancient One

2011-02-14T19:43:00.001-05:00

My roommate is in his mid-80s according to an online cat age calculator, 16 in human years. He is half Siamese but is almost totally black. He is also totally deaf. I love standing behind him screaming his name and getting no response from him, not even an ear twitch. He will get frisky about once a day just after eating and then taking a number 2 in the litter box. This playfulness lasts about 45 seconds when he runs around a bit, gets half way in back of the book case and out again, and proceeds to run around a bit more. Then its nap time, his favorite pursuit. His other two favorite pastimes are yowling and puking.

Marley is very affectionate. He will jump up on you, put his paws around your neck and knead and nuzzle you while purring louder than a lawnmower. A nicer cat has never been born. It’s hard to get mad at him when he yowls like a sick rhinoceros at 4:30 in the morning wanting his damned breakfast.

He was a raging asshole as a kitten. I would sometimes have to barricade my bedroom door against him at night to get some sleep. Then he would get up on shelves and countertops and knock shit off until I paid attention to him. Believe me, he was “busy.” Always interesting to come home and see what he had fucked up while I was away. He was an adorable, fuzzy little ball of non-stop fun and destruction.

Now a creaky old beast, he sometimes has a hard time just jumping up on chairs. He is becoming increasingly clingy and needy. But he still has a nice shiny coat of fur and eats like a horse, keeping it down about half of the time. I think the old boy has a few years left in him. Hope the same can be said about me.

Fuck The Snow

2011-02-07T18:15:00.001-05:00

Mother nature can get down on her icy knees and blow me. I’m sick of all this snow. Here I thought the one good thing about getting kicked out of my house would be that I wouldn’t have to do so much shoveling. The place I’m at now has three steps and about 5ft of sidewalk. Not much until the plows decide to use the area for snow storage. I don’t know what it is, the way the road bends, the plow drivers hate me, or what but after each snow storm there is a medium scale model of Mount Washington preventing me from opening the door. So shovel I must.

I am going to test out snow bombs. I will tightly wrap black gunpowder with strapping tape (so shrapnel won’t be an issue). Then I will choose a big mound of snow, poke a hole in it and insert my bomb. I want to know how much gunpowder is needed to flatten mounds of various sizes. BOOM! No more shoveling. So if you are around my neighborhood during the next storm you will know why it sounds like Bagdad.

Another Prediction Through the Uprights!

2011-02-01T15:43:00.001-05:00

You have no doubt been anxiously awaiting my yearly Super Bowl blog. It is always a wealth of football information that you can memorize and impress your friends with at a Super Bowl party. And my predictions are so accurate some think I must have a time machine that teleports me a week into the future and back. Well, here it is in all its gridiron glory!

Now let’s get right down to business, shall we? Steelers vs. Packers. In the Super Bowl you have to bring your “A” game to the table and both teams must do this in order to get a shot at the Lombardi trophy. The key to a Steelers victory is to keep moving the chains down the field. They have to play ball-control offense. They have to establish their running and passing game. In order to win, the Packers must make plays on both sides of the ball, play the full 60 minutes, and put more points on the board than the Steelers. They have to stop the big play. Both teams will have to step up their red zone D. You see, in football, you have to take it one game at a time and leave it all on the field. The Steelers and Packers have to stick to their individual game plan but be able to adapt and throw it out the window. Packers QB Rogers must avoid getting another concussion and Steeler’s QB Roethlisberger must avoid raping anyone.

I would usually give you a prediction at this point as to who will win but I won’t. You see, on paper, that’s why they play the games.

!!!!!!!

2011-01-31T21:34:00.002-05:00

Happy goddamned days are here again, my cyber minions! Yes, I am going to pinch off a “random thoughts” blog! Who-ha! No need to give yourselves that daily colon blow today! I want to write a whole bunch more sentences that end with an exclamation point! But I won’t! So here it goes!

Egypt: Those wacky hieroglyphics writing, camel riding, sideways walking Egyptians are at it again. Not content with building the pyramids and The Sphinxter, they want human rights as well. And to show the world this, they do what all repressed people do - they turn cars over in the street and set fire to shit. I don’t blame them. Americans just do that when their particular sports team happens to win the big game. So I say to Hosni Mubarak “turn the fucking internet back on, stop oppressing your people and get to work on another damned pyramid.” Shit, I would be grumpy too if I couldn’t look at a little G on G action on the web every day.

Congresswoman Giffords: Thank god she is on the mend. Too bad others had to die. There is a factory somewhere in this great land of ours working overtime mass producing these lunatics who think shooting people will serve god/the constitution/mind controlling sock-puppet or will defend themselves against the CIA/commies/aliens/liberals/mind controlling sock-puppet. I say instead of further eroding our 2nd amendment rights in the wake of this tragedy, how about passing out Nerf guns to all the wing nuts and claim the little orange bullets will magically destroy all their enemies?

Health care: I love the way these fat, wealthy congressmen, drunk from healthcare industry donations, want to repeal “Obama care” (AKA “Romney care” lest you forget). We should require that any of those fuckers who vote against health care reform must terminate their own government healthcare for themselves and their families. Although I doubt it would matter since most are millionaires who can afford even the most expensive healthcare or can just throw down a few Benjamins out of their moist wallets whenever they get a rectal exam.

R.I.P. The New England Patriots: Too painful still to talk about. But, on the bright side for Wheel Gun Bob-ophiles at least, I will be posting my always hilarious, informative and deadly accurate Super Bowl blog this week. Stay tuned!

Wasilla Wild Woman v. New Hampshire

2011-01-27T14:19:00.001-05:00

On the heels of the outstanding success of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” I will be submitting a proposal to The Learning Channel for my own series entitled “Wheel Gun Bob’s New Hampshire.” It will show the following:

We can easily out gun Sarah. Tour of gun stores, shooting ranges and gravel pits of NH. We will hunt abandoned cars, split engine blocks, vaporize junked TVs and cut down trees with hot lead. And may god help any liberal squirrels who scamper into range.

My family is more dysfunctional than the Palins. Although in reality no family is as dysfunctional as the Palin brood, I will nonetheless gather my family together in front of the cameras with a keg, spud guns and black gunpowder to show the world what happens. Hijinks will ensue!

The natural beauty of New Hampshire. From the majestic White Mountains to the corner of Main St. and Collins in Seabrook, from the flume in Franconia Notch State Park to Tippy Toe Alley in Epping, viewers will see that we blow Alaska away as far as natural beauty goes. And to drive the point home, I will include some serious T&A shots from Hampton Beach.

We aren’t a state of elitist stuck-ups Like New York. Will interview some solid New Hampshire citizens at the Daniel Street Tavern at 1AM on a Saturday morning and at Gilley’s an hour after that. Salt of the earth, good old American drunkenness. Not a latte sipping egghead will be seen anywhere.

New Hampshire worships the Christian god as much as any Tea-bagger does. We will treat viewers to some serious Muslim harassment. Just as soon as a Muslim person shows up in New Hampshire.

It will be riveting TV.

Ma-ma-ma my sharia

2010-10-08T19:48:00.001-04:00

Those shit feasting fuck buckets who are trying to scare everyone into voting Republican throw around the term “islamization of American” all the damned time. They want you to think that if you do not vote for whatever tea-bagger pinhead they are humping at the moment then this country is headed straight for sharia law. Well guess what? I have the perfect answer for them. Tell them that this “isamization” scenario will never happen so long as we keep the boundaries between church and state strong. Then watch their eyes cross and the fucking smoke pour out of their ears.

What If Blog Was One Of us?

2010-10-04T17:06:00.001-04:00

I want to start a goddamned mega church. It would be fun and easy to do since fundamental Christians are so gullible. I would need a catchy name for the church and a catchy name for myself as the head pastor. Any ideas (see below)? You ever notice how well these mega church preachers live, running around in Cadillacs and living in huge mansions? Lotsa donations! I will have to find a woman who will play my wife and she will wear horrible make-up and cry a lot. Of course I will have plenty of affairs on the side like these fools always do but I will draw the line at boffing boys. Will have to work on that southern accent too.

Everything will be tax exempt since it will be a religious institution with no political affiliation. But that won’t stop me from railing against anything and everything connected to those godless, America hating Democrats. And my animosity towards Obama and all the other Muslims will see no equal. Hey, maybe I can even get Sarah Palin to join!

Actually, if you wouldn’t mind, please start sending donations now. I need to at least get a white suit and megaphone. Oh, and a copy of the bible to brandish.

World Wide Church Of The Simpleton
House Of The Holy Donation
Church Of Jesus Who Rode Dinosaurs
Church Of The Unquestioning Believer
Holy Mother Church
Christ Almighty Dollar Church
Church Of The Eager Beaver True Believer
Church Of The Impacted Bowel
The Holy Unnecessary Church
Church Of The Open Carry
Jesus H Kee-riest Jr Church
The House Of Cards Church
The Holy Church of Larry, Moe, Curly and Jesus
The Goddamned Mega Church of Wheel Gun Bob

Restoring Horror

2010-09-01T22:35:00.003-04:00

Let the fasting, candle light vigils and self flagellation end. Wheel Gun Bob is back! Sorry for my long term absence but I have been attending to some legal matters recently. I hate legal matters. I would even rather attend to fecal matters. Not that it matters.

Speaking of fecal matter, let’s start off this blog with a short discussion of one of the worst beings on Earth. Although I doubt this being really is of this Earth. It calls itself Glenn Beck. It brought a whole bunch of angry white people to the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King's “I have a Dream” speech. The Beck beast claimed this was a non-political event and proceeded to go on about the gathering being divinely inspired and how we should turn to god lest we become alcohol and drug addled like It used to be. Or worse, a liberal! One wonders what tentacled, Cthulu like monster Beck calls his god.

To add to this gathering’s “non-political” flavor, Beck invited that vacuous, vagina-bearing, venom spewing villainess Sarah Palin to speak. Probably had to pay her 100K. Wow. Dr. King was surely doing laps in his grave. Bet you not too many negroes were in attendance either, with the notable exception of Dr. Kings crazy, right wing daughter. What the hell is up with that? Maybe she is so full of self loathing that she enjoys being tea-bagged by tens of thousands (or millions according to the Beck creature) of racist right-wingers.

So in conclusion, Glenn Beck can strap on his lobster bib and knee pads and quaff my genitalia for all I care. But I must admit that I have become more religious in the wake of this. I pray to god every day that the mother ship returns and retrieves her prodigal son-of-a-bitch Glenn Beck!

Slick Performace

2010-06-18T17:47:00.002-04:00

I’ve been grimly fascinated by the live video feed of the oil gushing into the ocean from the broken oil well in the Gulf of Mexico. I love watching it for hours on end but I’m sure the folks on the nearby coastline don’t. Drill, baby, drill.

I watched some of the grilling that the BP CEO Tony Hayward received at the hands of the always blustery Congress. He was obviously well prepped by his lawyers since he wouldn't answer a single direct question and was a master of prevarication. I kept wanting him to break character and scream in a Cockney accent “fuck off you fuckin Yank wankas!”

Hey, whatever happened to the promise of fusion energy? Remember, it’s what the sun runs on. How difficult could it be to contain small thermonuclear explosions? Hell, I set a firecracker off in my hand once. It hurt like hell but I didn’t break anything.

I just found out that Mr. Hayward was "demoted" for his arrogant performance in front of our esteemed lawmakers. Too bad. I want to be just like him if I ever get caught cheating on one of my girlfriends.

Big Fat Conservative Wedding

2010-06-07T18:25:00.000-04:00

To show his support for traditional marriage, corpulent conservo caterwauler Rush Dimbulb just got married for the fourth time. I’m assuming it was traditional, but I’m not sure what on earth would marry him. I do know that Elton John played at his wedding so maybe my theories about Rush being one of the many closeted homosexual conservatives is correct. I wonder how big his Judy Garland record collection is?

At The Movies with Wheelgun Bob

2010-05-14T11:35:00.002-04:00

I will be moving out of my bachelor pad at the end of this month. Although it stands in my mind as a monument to the monumental failure of my pathetic life, it was a cool place to hang for a few months. Bored of shooting at seagulls from the deck the other day, I decided to get an On Demand movie from Comcast. After all, it will be charged to my landlord and I’m leaving in a couple weeks.

I chose the most horrific movie I could find, one called “Human Centipede.” I had seen warnings about it on the internet. It’s about these two cute American college girls lost in Germany who end up part of a crazed doctor’s experiment to sew three people together, mouth to anus, to form a human centipede. Not a movie I would take the neighborhood kids to exactly but a barrel of laughs nonetheless. Although not a movie critic per se, I will endeavor to review this somewhat unusual film for you, my blog hungry cyber offspring.

First of all, I have a problem with the title. As anyone can figure out, when you sew three humans together, you have a total of twelve appendages – six arms and six legs. Unless you throw an amputee into the mix of course. Or you dig up the corpse of Lentini The Three Legged Man in which case you would be dealing with a total of thirteen appendages. Now, at the risk of going over your heads, “cente” is the Latin prefix for one hundred. So you see what a misleading description “Human Centipede” is for this horror. “Human Duodecipede” would be more apt. Or “Human Tridecipede” if you had Mr. Lentini sewn in. Or “Human Decipede” with a double amputee. Or “Human Undecipede” with both the three legged man and double amputee conjoined with a normal human.

Even so, I give the movie a thumbs up.

The Red Adair of Blogging

2010-05-10T17:29:00.003-04:00

Wow, it’s a ghost town around here. All my friends and fans have deserted me for Facebook or Twitter or whatever the hell else the internet flavor of the moment is. I feel like a dinosaur alone on the plains just after an asteroid slammed into the earth forming the Chicxulub crater, typing out my blogs while all the cooler, hipper shrew like creatures are elsewhere evolving. Not one to sit around and feel sorry for myself, I will continue with my quixotic blogging quest until my bones are mineralized and dug up in 60 million years by some hot young college chicky paleontology intern. Here’s to evolution!

Speaking of what became of the dinosaurs, I am watching with great interest the oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. British Petroleum is still trying to cap the underwater geyser of oil in order to mitigate this ecological disaster. So far it has been all for naught. They should contact me since I have an idea or two as to how to stem the flow of evil hydrocarbons into the ocean. I will share these with you, dear readers of this blog. If there are any of you left. Here we go –

1. Confiscate all the Sham Wows in the world and use them to soak up the oil.

2. An obvious solution: Take an out of date submarine and ram it into the hole. Film it and make a porn video out of it.

3. Blow the well head the up with an atomic bomb. It would make everything far worse and add radiation to the mix but it would be fun. And it would show all these other fucking countries that we mean business and not to fuck with us ever again.

4. Get Al Gore to make a movie about it. He did invent environmentalism after all. And it will get him off this global warming kick. Actually, global warming will help by melting the polar ice caps thus diluting the oil.

5. Stuff the hole with tea baggers. I was amused by them at first but now I’m annoyed as hell. Tell them that the gummint will raise taxes to plug the oil leak unless they do it themselves.

6. Just ignore it and watch the NBA playoffs.

Ok, so I just proved the point with this lame blog that I should be extinct. Maybe I will just find me a pretty little Apatosaur, quaff some Jager nips and let the eons pass us by.

Into The Universe With Wheel Gun Bob

2010-04-29T13:19:00.001-04:00

My blogs always have a certain prescient quality about them. This was no more in evidence than my recent submission about aliens preparing for an attack on Earth. A man who is near my intellectual equal, Stephen Hawking, has basically come out with the same warning in his new Discovery Channel show “Into The Universe with Stephen Hawking.” He states we should avoid alien contact or we could end up like the native Americans did after Columbus. No shit, Professor. I have been saying the same thing for years. Of course I always take it further and delve into specific scenarios of alien invasion and how to defend one’s self during such a catastrophe.

My educational background may not quite match that of Stephen Hawking’s but I was a physics major in college for a couple months. Plus I am the Lucasian Professor Of Garage Rock. So I know what the hell I’m talking about.

Harold Huge And Other Reminiscences

2010-04-25T09:13:00.009-04:00

Eons ago I worked in a bookstore. I believe it was not long after the Gutenberg press was invented. We had piles and piles of books and remainders, you know the books that didn’t sell as well and were put on sale for drastically reduced prices. Amongst the regular characters who used to peruse these mountains of books was an enormous man who would waddle in, huffing and puffing, red faced and sweating with exertion. He would find a stool and kick it over to whichever pile or shelf he was interested in browsing. He would then plop himself down on this unfortunate stool, all but obliterating every trace of it with his folds of blubber.

Now don’t get me wrong since I am no Adonis myself but this guy was incredibly fat. I would guess he was about 5’ 7” and weighed 500LBS, 25 of which were muscle and bone. Jesus he was a slobby fat porker. And as if assaulting your eyes wasn’t enough, he had another outstanding feature that assaulted your nose – he smelled like Death’s rectum. He reeked to high hell and would cause mass evacuations of whichever aisle he decided to stuff himself into.

All my coworkers refused to get near him so when he struggled up to the register with his pile of books, I always had to ring him up. I had a few conversations with him and he seemed like a decent enough fellow. One day he bought a book about circus freaks that I had recently purchased myself. We discussed it briefly as I recall and then he stomped his way out of the store. That was the last I saw of him save the time a few months later when I glanced in my rear view mirror will driving and noticed a car behind me listing badly towards the driver’s side. The driver was none other than the huge man himself. And that was it. Never saw him in person again.

Fast forward many, many years to about 7 or 8 years ago. Flipping channels on a Saturday, I can across a show which I believe was on the history Channel. It was a documentary about the last of the carnival sideshows and it featured a very familiar fat man. At one point he tells the story of how he came to be in the circus sideshow and it involved going into a certain bookstore, buying a book on circus freaks and coming to the realization he was fatter than most of the fat men in it. The legend of Harold Huge had been born right in front of me.

Bruce Snowden was his real name and he also came to have a bit part in the odd film “Big Fish” by odd director Tim Burton. Claiming to weigh over 700LBS he actually “only” tipped the scales at about 600. Of course nowadays that’s nothing since you regularly hear about people weighing in at almost half a ton.

I was telling some coworkers about Harold Huge the other day and decided to look him up on the web to see if he was still in a sideshow. I discovered he had died last November in a nursing home at age 64. He was survived by a cousin and brother who didn't even know he had passed away until a couple months later. A sad ending for a large man.

"News"

2010-04-23T07:06:00.004-04:00

[Ed. Note – Not sure why but Wheelgun Bob will go on a blogging bender for a few days and then not be heard from again for several weeks. We are trying desperately to get him to start drinking again.]

So, I have been at this blogging thing for 6 years and have created 250 blogs. This means that, at my current prodigious output, in about 18 years from now I will have posted 1000 blogs. I will be 69 years old then and it will be the year 2028. The future doesn’t look so bleak now does it?

Back to the present. I was on an internet news website the other day and two of the top 5 “news” headlines referred to TV shows. One show was “Dancing With The Stars” and the other “American Idol.” I have never had the pleasure (or pain) or even mild interest to see either of these shows but apparently when someone either wins or fails at whatever they do, it makes headlines. How sad a commentary on contemporary American culture is that? The Yellowstone caldera could have blown, wiping out half this country, and people would be more concerned with whoever the hell was voted off “Survivor.” I bet those shows are awesome entertainment for those with vacuous minds.

Looks like I’m going to have to haul out Rita Mae (my trusty .357) and go Elvis on some TVs.

Meteorites Or????

2010-04-21T13:10:00.000-04:00

Folks, I’m a little concerned these days. I have seen a few articles in the news recently about apparent meteorites exploding in the skies above our heads, one of which was over Wisconsin. They may be meteors but I suggest an alternative explanation. Far be it for me to needlessly worry anyone, but I believe an alien attack may be imminent. I think advance alien scout vessels have been reconnoitering our planet and secret earth defenses have been blasting them to smithereens. Good thing since we don’t want them to get the lay of the land in preparation for the onslaught. But once the green blooded bitches figure out Google Earth, look out. Hopefully the fuckers will get the pop-up that reads “you may have been infected with a virus, click here to install Anti-Virus 2010” and they will become afflicted with an earth born computer virus! An information age twist on the War Of The Worlds scenario, no?

I have at times in this informative yet highly entertaining blog suggested various defenses against an invasion from outer space. I will not reiterate them here since you have no doubt committed them all to memory. Suffice it to say, be well armed! We want the rivers flowing with green blood when the time comes. In your face (or wherever your sensory organs are) you tentacled muthafuckas!

So if you see any fireballs in the sky at night, you know our boys have just picked off another one.

P.S. I will be selling my Anal Probe Avoidance Kits (APAKs) soon.

Spring Time For Wheel Gun

2010-04-19T19:28:00.001-04:00

I have been doing this idiotic blog for 6 years! I started it as a favor to my nephew The Cod God who has long since dropped off the face of the earth but I just keep chugging along. Not one for fads, I eschew the hipper forms of online communications. Old fashioned blogging is like a fine aged wood compared the cheap plastic of Face Book or Twitter. Actually, If I had my druthers, I would tap out my blogs in Morse Code if any would listen. No one reads my blogs as it is so maybe I will. Or perhaps I will stand on the roof of my bachelor pad and communicate them through semaphore. I bet at least a few of the fishermen off the harbor would understand. Anyway, time for my annual spring time random thoughts blog:

I think it’s a riot that a volcano in Iceland has pretty much halted trans Atlantic air travel. I can just imagine what fine volcano dust would do to a jet turbine. “Fuck it up” would be the technical term. This might just be the impetus for the aerospace industry to really develop scramjets or ramjets. New York to London in one hour! No time for the shitty in-flight movie. Hell, never mind that, get to work on a goddamned transporter like you see on Star Trek! I want to get transported as far the hell away from here as possible.

The Red Sox are truly blowing dead dog early in the season. I’m sure they will turn it around eventually before they swoon again towards the end of the season. But at least its baseball! Baseball = Spring = Renewal = Hope = Beer.

I was going to go on a bit about the tea baggers but I think you already know my opinion of them. So where the hell were they during the largest expansion of federal power ever, which occurred during the Bush administration? I guess federal power is OK if it’s in the hands of a white Republican.

Man, I was downtown recently during a warm day and the chickage was truly awe inspiring. That’s the thing I like most about spring. That and the fact it is no longer fucking winter.

Trippin' My Bag Off

2010-03-26T14:44:00.001-04:00

When marinating in self loathing, I will often listen to the right wing rectum dwellers on talk radio. That is if I don’t have a book on CD to listen to during my long commutes to and from the salt mines. I know most intelligent people would rather an M-80 situated up their turd cutters than suffer the likes of Glen Beck or Rush Dimbulb, but sometimes you just have to catch a glimpse of the rotten underbelly of America. And I found out whilst listening to this conservo bombast that labia bearing loudmouth Sarah Palin will be visiting Boston in the near future for an orgy of tea-baggin. I might attend since I don’t take drugs and I could use a crazy trip.

Praying For A Peyton-On-Palin Tea-Bagging

2010-02-08T21:26:00.007-05:00

I must say, dear ravenous consumers of this blog, that my Super Bowl predictions were spectacularly spot-on as usual. The only mistake I made was not putting any money on the game. I feel sorry for the loosing QB Peyton Manning’s teammates, though. I’m sure they each got a hardy post game tea-bagging from him in the locker-room. He looked pissed. Ha!

Speaking of tea-bagging, those morons in the so-called Tea Party “grass roots” movement met in Nashville the other day. Their keynote speaker, who was a cool $100k richer afterwards, was none other than Sarah “Barracuda” Palin. The skirt wearing scatterbrain was trotting out standard neoconservative fare in her cutesy, homespun, nauseating way and didn’t seem to really address the concerns of your average motley Tea-Bagger. And, along with sexy black stockings, she was wearing the flag of a foreign country on her lapel! Jesus god, what if a Democrat did that? Here is a great take on it by Salon’s Glenn Greenwald .

The bug fucking-est insane thing that left Sarah's lucious red lips during a post Tea-Bag convention puff ball interview with her employer Fox “News” was about playing the “war card.” She thinks the only way Obama can win the next election is if he decided to “declare war on Iran or decided to really come out and do whatever he could do to support Israel -- which I'd like him to do”. In other words, take a page from the Republican playbook. I hope Obama wasn’t listening.

It amazes the fuck out of me that these Baggers don’t realize they are being totally duped by the big corporate interests in America. Like that bone head “Joe the Plumber” who thought he would make out better under the McCain/Palin tax plan than Obama’s. He was of course wrong. And I would bet that 90% of the Tea-Bag movement couldn’t tell you what socialism is but still love to attack Obama with the epithet. And most of these dunces don’t realize that Medicare is a government program!

These fools sit around and listen to the Fox/Limbaugh/Beck/Hannity bullshit and believe it without question! My god, I listen to that crap on the way to work and its incredible! According to them, its Republicans who are out there for the little guy not the evil, treasonous Democrats. And people believe it!

I hope that Peyton Manning finds Sarah Palin and gives her a good old tea-baggin. She deserves it.

Thermophile's Lament

2010-02-02T22:28:00.013-05:00

Sometimes I just want to get this life over with and head on over to the next one. Couldn’t be worse.

Last Friday was colder than a well digger’s ass and windy as hell. Nonetheless I was looking forward to going out to dinner with my pal Clark. However, when I got home from work, I noticed I had no water. The fucking pipes had frozen again!

My swank bachelor pad at scenic Rye Harbor is right on the water so it’s built sitting above ground. The bottom is covered with this sort of half-assed plywood skirt. When it’s windy, the cold whips under the house and not only freezes the pipes but makes the heat run 100% of the time just to keep things at a balmy 55 degrees. Shit, I blew through over a hundred gallons of oil last month and electricity is running at over $120 a month!

The place does have a crappy, inefficient wood stove but wood ain’t cheap either. All in all, not a great place for a heat lover like Wheel Gun Bob.

Clark came over with take-out dinner and helped me thaw most of the pipes. And despite the bathroom faucet's refusal to yield to our demands, the night turned out to be fun.

I decided I would have to drop a cool Benjamin on a ¼ cord of seasoned hard wood to feed the shitty wood stove. Then maybe I would at least have a chance of making it through the winter. I went and did just that the next morning and had a hot chick assist me with the unloading of my hard wood (whatever what you may think, I mean this literally).

Once inside my walk-in freezer/bungalow I noticed that even though the heat was cranked, it was only 50 degrees! It was nipple erecting cold I noticed. I tried to re-light the furnace but no go. While the hot chick kindly lit a fire (in the stove that is), I called the land lord, Ed.

Ed, who is shaped like an immense Christmas ornament, came over with his son and after two or three hours got the oil uncongealed and the heat running.

Jesus, can’t wait for spring.

Pigskin Prognostication

2010-01-25T19:36:00.002-05:00

It’s the time of year for Wheel Gun Bob’s always insightful, wacky, freewheeling, informative and productive Super Bowl blog! It makes me almost want to partake in some homoerotic towel snapping and grab-assing. And now please, a moment of silence for the pre-blog team prayer… Amen. Good, now here it is:

We have the New Orleans Saints featuring Drew “Shallow” Brees vs. the Indianapolis Colts featuring Payton “Tea Bag” Manning. I hope the Saints win because I dislike Tea Bag Manning. He doesn’t like me either from what I hear. Now this is where I would normally launch into a long but brilliant and well thought out analysis, full of arcane football minutia only the diehard gridiron fan could understand. This scientific analysis would compare the relative strengths and weaknesses of the two teams and would provide a probable outcome so likely that some would consider me a prophet. Well not this time.

This time you will have to pay for my football betting advice. Send me $20 and I will send you an encrypted email that will self destruct after reading. It will give you the final Super Bowl score guaranteed to be 99.9999% probable. Make checks payable to “Wheelgun Nostradamus The Greek”.

Mitchy The Monster Cat

2010-01-21T08:42:00.007-05:00

Mitchy The Cat was 16 pounds of regal, muscular feline; a huge and handsome fur person, mostly black with a white belly. He was very affectionate but had a nasty temper. And every now and then he would just get into a mood. I would be innocently walking by and Mitchy would just leap out and clamp himself around my ankle and sink his teeth and claws into me. These attacks were rare but painful and came without warning.

For some weird reason, Mitchy took a serious disliking to our drummer Wiz. Now you must realize that Wiz was, and is, a gentle soul who would never hurt anything except maybe drumsticks. And he loves cats! Who knows, maybe Mitchy didn't like the way Wiz played drums or it was the smell of tequila that set him off. But whatever the reason, blood would be drawn whenever Wiz was around.

One night our band was scheduled to play a gig up in Portland, Maine. We took two vans, one mine loaded with band mates, the other Wiz's which was full of drum shit and equipment. I was driving behind Wiz when bass player Scott and I noticed, with sheer horror, the hulking and obviously pissed off Mitchy pacing back and forth in the back window of Wiz's van. His tail was up and twitching in that "I'm about to rip somebody's fucking head off" way. Seems the little panther stole aboard as we were loading equipment. Wiz was going down hard unless we intervened right away!

Wiz would always enjoy hair metal at ear splitting levels in his van. As I recall, he had a jury-rigged stereo that featured a little 4" speaker from Radio Shack. It was truly painful to listen too. Consequently, Wiz didn't notice us beeping and flashing our lights because he was too absorbed in whatever AC/DC or Motley Crue song was blistering the paint on the inside of his van at the time.

I think what may have saved Wiz's life that night was the fact that Scott and I acted quickly and that Wiz needed to get gas before we left town. Once at the Mobile station, I was able to extract the offending feline before any harm befell Wiz.

Mitchy was with me for a good many years. This was just one of many stories I could tell you about him. He eventually ended up in the woods in Vermont with my friends Paul and Mary when I took off cross country looking for fame and fortune (I found neither, just a miserable girlfriend). He made fast friends with Paul and Mary's cat and we believe Mitchy met his end defending his little pal against a wolf or black bear. Actually more likely a large black bear since Mitchy would've killed a wolf.

Stay tuned, part 3 will be about my lovely little calico cat Gloria.

Assachusetts

2010-01-20T16:26:00.002-05:00

The right-wing is partying it up today, I tell you. Their boy won the special election in Massachusetts to fill Teddy Kennedy’s old, gin soaked senate seat. They are almost as happy as the day John McAnus announced Sarah Palin as his running mate (the resultant collective blob of Republican jiz is still in high earth orbit).

Normally I don’t give a rat’s rectum about Massachusetts politics but this could obviously effect things on the national level. This new jerk-ass Republican could stall or prevent healthcare reform. Apparently big pharma and the healthcare insurance industry are partying their little balls off as well, the fuckers.

All I can say is if I get laid off (always a possibility) and lose my insurance and then another insurance company won’t cover me due to pre-existing conditions (I have a few of those, believe me) I will take my medical bills and ram them up Scott Brown’s flaccid ass. Here's hoping he has pre-existing bloody hemorrhoids.

No Shit

2010-01-15T16:04:00.000-05:00

Two giant “No shits!” this week. One is titted Republican talking point dispenser Sarah Palin joining Fox “News” as a commentator and the other is that, apparently, muscle bound ballplayer Mark McGwire took steroids! Yes, ole Sarah joins the other right wing shit-bags at Fox spreading lies and misinformation to the gullible masses. A perfect place for her aside from being on her knees in front of me. As for McGwire, the moron claims that the juice didn’t help him hit home runs. So how come he apologized to the Maris family? Just listening to idiots like McGwire and Rodger Clemens leads me to believe that steroids cause serious brain atrophy. Jesus, in that case, Sarah Palin must be pounding the roids as well.

Ballad Of Rodney the Cat

2010-01-10T10:34:00.003-05:00

I was having tea with my felatrix Heather and my dominatricies Bambi and D’Amanda the other day. In between sips of chamomile tea and bites of biscotti, the conversation meandered lazily and comfortably from clown porn to auto repair, through politics and onto the subject of cats. Cats! I love the little furry fuckers.

I once had these three cats, Rodney, Mitchy and Gloria. I will now tell you a bit about them.

Rodney was a stout little fellow with markings that made him resemble a miniature cow. My band at the time did a song called “Cat on a Red Hot Hibachi” and had just recorded an EP of the same name. We needed a name and logo for our record label since real labels such as RCA or MCA decided, shockingly, to pass on pressing our masterpiece.

Bass player Scotty and I thought that the logo should have a picture of a cat on a Hibachi (not really hot, mind you). Enter Rodney. The little dude just would not cooperate until I had the brilliant idea to put a little tuna fish on the Hibachi. Thus was born our logo and the name of our record label – Rodney the Cat Records.

Rodney had the nickname “Sub Hunter” due to his propensity to steal half eaten subs out of the dumpster next to the store across the street. He would drag them over and chow down on them on our front porch. More than once I was tempted to join him in the feast.

One day Rodney didn’t return. Days then weeks went by and despite postering the whole neighborhood, Rodney was gone. One night I went downtown to a restaurant that served French cuisine. I happened to mention to the owner how distraught I was over my missing cat. When I described Rodney to her she mentioned that a stray cat of similar appearance had shown up to her restaurant about six weeks earlier. She took me to the cat and it was Rodney. He was happily munching scraps of food tossed to him by the head chef. He looked as if he had gained a pound or two.

I took Rodney home and he fell right back into his routine of dragging half eaten subs across the street before eviscerating them. A month or so later, he was gone again. I was convinced that this time he had been squashed by a car or ended up as General Tsao’s chicken at the local Chinese restaurant or both.

Turns out the little bastard was back at the French restaurant downtown. Mind you, it was about a mile from my home to this restaurant. And not a straight shot either. I went and got him and took him home. A week later he was gone once more. This time I went straight to the restaurant to retrieve the fur bearing traitor. When the owner asked me if I beat him or otherwise miss treated him thinking that might be the reason he kept leaving, I asked her what the head chef fed him. “Oh just scraps of steak, chicken or whatever we have on the menu.” Somewhat better that a meatball sub out of a dumpster!

At that point, I told the head chef he could keep Rodney since I couldn’t compete with calamari or escargot. The restaurant went out of business sometime afterwards and I heard a few years later that ole Rodney was living on an island off of the Maine coast. I am sure he has passed on now since he would be about 30 if still alive. But the little shit had a good life.

Next blog I will tell you about Mitchy the monster cat.

Slappy Nude Rear!

2010-01-08T16:45:00.001-05:00

I know all of you guys have been breathless in anticipation of my new year’s blog. You can all breath now since, without further ado, here it is!

Should I give you my usual wacky list of new year’s resolutions? Why the fuck not? I’ve done it for the last 6 goddamned years so why change now? Isn’t it amazing how I can keep things so fresh and interesting after all this time? In reality my blog, much like the TV show The Simpsons, is well past its prime. And my readership, which peaked at about 750,000 hits per day, is now down to a paltry 675,000 hits per day. I am endeavoring to come up with some new shtick/gimmick that will make a whole new generation of blogophiles worship at my digital alter. Keep an eye out – I might need your input. Anyway, my new year’s resolutions:

Lose weight. Not a lot. A couple hundred pounds should due. Hit the gym hard. New name: Wheel Gun Atlas.

Learn a new skill. I don’t know, fencing, scuba diving, horseback riding (fuck that – no brakes!) or saxophone, anything to keep my evil mind occupied. Suggestions?

Get the band going again. The Deuce will be back with a vengeance! New songs, new ‘tude. Play a double bill with the Tunnel Rats sometime perhaps?

Go on a trip. Like to Montreal. I used to go there all the time when I had a cool girlfriend. Haven’t been anywhere in years (haven’t had a cool girlfriend in years either). Maybe I can get a gig for Jupiter 2 and the Tunnel Rats in Montreal.

Not get kicked around anymore. I know you think of me as a tough, manly kind of lead slingin’ guy but I have been kicked around by a certain person for almost 20 years and IT WILL STOP. The tide will turn. New name: Wheel Gun Phoenix.

Requiem For A Deadweight

2009-12-29T22:12:00.005-05:00

[Ed. Note: This is what Wheelgun Bob submitted for his “Christmas” blog. He has obviously taken another big step on the long way down. Perhaps we could get him to start drinking again.]

I woke up this Christmas morning alone for the first time in my fifty years. I have a certain evil person to thank for that but I will no longer mention her since she is the one who shall not be named. No doubt she is in the clutches of some whiskey scented Santa Claus.

Well, bored and uncomprehending masses, what shall I blog about on this, the day of Christ's birthday? How about guns? Yes! Its been too damned long since I've slung any lead. Maybe I could take Rita Mae (my S & Wesson .357 magnum) to the end of the harbor and plink away at the Isles of Shoals. I have these little Christmas boxers and Santa hat I could wear that my crazy pal Doug gave me (he once gave me a cock ring and my girlfriend a ball gag for Christmas). What a site I would make! A despondent fat fucker dressed in Santa boxers at the end of a harbor shooting at some goddamned islands in the north Atlantic! How bloody pathetic. Yet oddly festive.

Speaking of festive, I think I will take my Christmas tree, drag it out to my back yard, pour some gas on it and set fire to the mother fucker! It would be “laugh out loud funny” as People Magazine raves! Who knows, maybe some boat will see the conflagration, come pick me up, spirit me to an island populated only by women and I will become their lord-high-god phallic ruler. Hey, stranger things have happened.

Or maybe I will just lay here in bed and watch “Bad Santa.” Some tell me it's a fucking riot. Well, I have my fucking doubts.

just cuz she jacked uh lot o' money from me

2009-12-16T13:47:00.002-05:00

I just looked over my last few blogs. I try to avoid re-reading my blogs at all cost because I see all sorts of grammar and speling mistakes when I do that plus I have the extremely annoying habit of writing run-on sentences that seem to go on forever, never ending or beginning, on an ever spinning wheel like a snowball down a mountain or a carnival balloon like a carousel that's turning running rings around the moon like a clock whose hands are sweeping past the minutes on its face and the world is like an apple whirling silently in space like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind.

What I found dismayed me. Anyone unfortunate enough to have read my blogs of late would be justified in thinking “Wheelgun Bob. What a miserable fucking bastard!” I complain about my ex-girlfriend too much and bellyache about my life in general too much. Well, I am going to turn over a new leaf. Just because times are tough for ole’ WGB don’t mean I gotta give into them.

Take my ex-girlfriend (please!) for example. Things could be worse. We could have been married and/or had kids together. Man, I would be suicidal if that were the case. Shit! Thank god for small favors. And just because she stole a lot of money from me isn’t the end of the world. I can still earn enough to retire when I’m 104.

I have decided what I’m going to do. I am going to take what little money I have left and move south. Maybe even to Mexico. It’s warm down there and I can catch a decent donkey show whenever I want.

[Ed. Note: The following is a translation of this blog into Ebonics]

I just looked over muh ma fuckin last few blogs. I try ta avoid re-reading muh ma fuckin blogs at all cost cuz I see all sorts o' grammar an' speling mistakes when I do dat plus I gots da extremely annoying habit o' writing run-on sentences dat seem ta jet on forever, never ending or beginning, on an ever spinning wheel like uh snowball down uh mountain or uh carnival balloon like uh carousel dat'sturning running rings around da moon like uh clock whose hands iz sweeping past da minutes on its face an' da world iz like an apple whirling silently in space like da circles dat ya find in da windmills o' yo' mind.

What I found dismayed me. Anyone unfortunate enough ta gots read muh ma fuckin blogs o' late would be justified in thinking “Wheelgun Bob. What uh miserable fucking bastard!” I complain about muh ma fuckin ex-girlfriend too much an' bellyache about muh ma fuckin life in general too much. Well, I be going ta turn over uh new leaf. Just cuz times iz tough fo' ole’ WGB don’t mean I gotta give into dem.

Take muh ma fuckin ex-girlfriend (please!) fo' example. Things could be worse. We could gots been married and/or had kids together. Man, I would be suicidal if dat wuz da case. Shit! Thank god fo' small favors. And just cuz she jacked uh lot o' money from me isn’t da end o' da world. I can still earn enough ta retire when I’m 104.

I gots decided what I’m going ta do. I be going ta take what little money I gots left an' move south. Maybe even ta Mexico. It’s warm down dere an' I can catch uh decent donkey show whenever I wants.

w0rd!

Cheetah Woods

2009-12-14T22:01:00.002-05:00

I have finally found someone with worse luck than me. Thank you Tiger Woods!

If there is one thing I find less interesting in this world than golf, its celebrities. So as you can imagine, I don’t give a marsupial’s mons veneris about Tiger Woods. That was, at least, until a few days ago. I hear that the putting putz had his 9 iron in at least 12 hot chicks! No wonder his wife tried to drive his head down the fairway with one of Tiger’s own weapons of choice. Ha! I love it.

I feel for the guy, though. His wife will take him for millions of dollars. I waited on my ex-girlfriend hand and foot for years, never once screwed around on her with a Hooter’s waitress, and she is taking me for all my money too. Hang in there, dude. The world’s not fair at all.

Hey, maybe Nike and Gillette will hire me to do their next commercials now that Tiger has been de-clawed. “Wheel Gun Bob. Just do it, muthafuckas!” Nice.

Actually, now that I think of it, fuck you Tiger Woods. You can sail off into the sunset on your multi-million dollar yacht while I’m trying to sell my 97 Harley Sportster just to make rent. Drop dead, asshole.

Dead Hamster

2009-12-07T17:52:00.004-05:00

My life is getting flushed down the toilet like a dead hamster. My ex-girlfriend, who pretended to like me for almost twenty years, has nailed me in the balls so hard I don’t think I will ever be able to walk normally again. She has stolen all my money and is trying to destroy my dignity. But I won’t let her! I am Wheel Gun Fuckin Bob and I used to walk among giants! And to prove it, I will pluck a blog out of the digital ether and present it to you, my steadfast supporters.

Christmas is coming up and I’m trying not to let it depress the hell out of me. One thing you guys can do to buck me up is shower me with gifts. So here we go with another one of my wacky “What you can get Wheelgun Bob for Christmas” lists.

1. A new girlfriend. And I don’t care if she looks like Shemp Howard as long as she is rich.

2. A time machine so I can go back and not break up with my old, old girlfriend so I wouldn’t then hook up with current ex-girlfriend. Confuses me too.

3. A snowmobile. Doesn’t have to go 130MPH. 100MPH would be just fine. Gotta make the damned winter fun somehow.

4. An autographed copy of Sarah Palin’s new book. It’s got to be cheaper than wood for my stove.

5. Speaking of which, a cord of wood would be nice so I can heat up my freezing bachelor pad. Shit, it’s so cold there that my nipples could cut glass.

6. Tickets for a cruise anywhere its warm, including Mercury or Venus.

7. Gift certificate to newegg.com so I can make a new computer. It’s now been 5 years since I made my last computer and I have the computer nerd equivalent of deadly sperm build-up. It will have the added benefit of occupying my dark mind and help stave off thoughts of self destruction or world domination.

8. Dong warmer (XXXL).

9. Money. Dinero, scratch, jack, somalians, greenbacks, dough, shekels, rupees, zlotys, mazuma, moolah, oscar, pap, plaster, rivets, spondulicks, clams, smackers, bread, cabbage, wampum, etc. Just shower me with dead presidents, mutha fuckas!

The Vultures Are Circling, Goddamnit

2009-12-01T01:34:00.012-05:00

I’m cowering these days awaiting life’s next big dick punch. Someone put a stuffed vulture in my cube at work as a joke but it’s not even funny. My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.

I am in a shitty mood. So I am going to spew some vitriol your way via this blog. It won’t make me feel any better but if I can bring you down a notch or two to be closer to me, then perhaps it will be worth it.

I need some part time work. I work full time as an IT fag but my evil ex-girlfriend has raped me for almost every last penny I had so I need to make more money.

Someone suggested I could bartend at night when I got out of work. Only trouble is I don’t know anything about mixed drinks. Maybe I could be a waiter. Get some big tips and hot chicks. I'm thinking three nights a week?

Another possibility - I could get a job working on Saturdays. Some retail job. I know they don’t pay well but I’m desperate and every little bit helps. I will perhaps check out the local sex shops. I wouldn’t mind selling dildos to hot chicks. Do hot chicks even go into places like that? Probably just creepy men. Fuck that then. God, maybe I will have to work in the mall. I would almost rather sell $5 blow jobs in the parking garage than work in the fucking mall.

Let me know if you have any suggestions as far as part time employment for me or you know of any get rich quick schemes.

Go White Guys!

2009-11-23T22:17:00.004-05:00

Oh my aching sit-upon, has your hero Wheelgun Bob had a time of it of late! I was minding my own damned business at a stop light the other day when some jack-off decided my car was too long and that he would remedy the situation by ass-ending me into a pancake. Good thing I wasn't on my Harley or Wheelgun B would be orbiting with the Space Shuttle Atlantis right now. What the fuck did I do in a past life to deserve the shit swamp I'm mired in now? Huh?

Then there is the internet. You know, the thing that they put on computers these days? Well, my swank bachelor pad may be a pelt magnet but it has one serious drawback. It gets only spotty Comcrap internet. And the fuckers won't come over to switch out their shitty modem unless I have the account number. And that account number resides with the owner of my crib who is jaunting about Europe as we speak. So I get maybe five minutes of quality surfing every two hours or so. And internet porn doesn't watch itself, you know. Shit, I might not be able to post this blog! Good god!

I will leave you with this cheerful observation. I was driving around in the rental car (a beautiful shit brown 4WD Kia Sportage) kindly provided by my assailant's insurance company when I got in back of a big ole pick-up truck with North Carolina license plates. It had a large bumper sticker that read “Legalize The Constitution.” And underneath it was a smaller bumper sticker that screamed “Go white guys!” WTF? I was going to shorten this mother fucker's car into a pancake but thought the better of it.

More From The Gift That Keeps Giving

2009-11-20T15:03:00.001-05:00

Apologies, my dear cyber offspring, for I have been a bit remise in the blogging arena as of late. See, I‘ve been having a hell of a time with my ex-girlfriend. But at least there are numerous hot chicks interested in me since I’m now a free agent. I’m one hunk of available meat!

Of course what’s really animating my being at the moment is the anticipation I feel for that jug-bearing juggernaut Sarah Palin’s memoir “Going Rogue.” It’s coming out this week! The maladjusted MILF is about to embark on a book tour across this great land of ours. Hopefully she comes to New Hampshire so I can get a close up look at her cute ankles.

Whenever I hear her interviewed on T.V. I want to spill all my state secrets to get her to stop. I would rather be water boarded with a white hot poker rammed up my ass than listen to her vacuous, nasally, cutesy way of talking the Republican talking points. Guess that makes me some sort of America hating liberal elitist. Sorry, I happen to think knowledge is fairly important and Sarah Palin doesn’t know a pile of goose shit from tapioca pudding. I think cute ankles are important too so I watch her on TV with the sound off.

Funny how Republicans hate smart women like Hillary Clinton and make fun of her all the time but go nutzo ape-fuck when anyone makes fun of their precious Sarah. Well, at least she is awesome entertainment. For about 15 minutes.

No Place Like Homo

2009-11-02T19:21:00.004-05:00

I’m suffering from my first cold of the season. Hopefully it’s not the swine flu. I don’t see how it can be since I have not fucked a pig since the Deerfield fair. I will just have to pound down the rum and honey until I’m feeling no pain. Despite this malady, I will try and cram some sunshine up your asses with a blog.

I was in the Portsmouth Halloween parade Saturday night. It was a riot. I was dressed as Dracula with blood spewing out of my mouth. And I got to march with these two cool little kids I know so despite the oppressive crowds it was fun.

Present at this parade were plenty of chicks in hot outfits, I tell you. There was this one raging babe dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard Of Oz. Short little skirt, white thigh-highs and high heeled ruby slippers. I was busy ogling her and filling up the spank bank when I was momentarily distracted. When I looked back she had apparently moved up ahead so I advanced to a better vantage point. Then I realized she was a he! Jesus god! But before you disparage my masculinity and call me a homo, I need to tell you that there were two Dorothys identically dressed, one male and one female. I was lusting after the female one. Really.

I was supposed to hook up a certain chick at the parade but there must have been over ten thousand people crammed downtown so I missed out. Word is getting out of Wheel Gun Bob's new availability to the opposite sex and his calendar is rapidly getting full! Take a number if you have a vagina and you dig me. I promise I won’t suck too much of your blood.

Try a Little Dick

2009-10-27T18:39:00.001-04:00

Do you know the real reason president Obama has not yet made a decision as to his course of action in the Afghan conflict? He hasn’t consulted me yet! So how will I advise him when he does? Well, I will advise him to let his wife give me a mouth hug but I’m not sure that would help the situation in Afghanistan much.

Afghanistan has mountains and poppy fields and that’s about it. How many great rock bands have come out of that god forsaken land? How many casinos do they have? Do they have any Olive Garden restaurants? How many people vacation there? Has a Miss Afghanistan ever been declared a Miss Universe? Any successful Formula 1 drivers from there? Name a Nobel laureate from Afghanistan. Name a famous piece of art from Afghanistan. Name anything non-rug or drug related that has been exported from that rocky hellhole. Is there any good Afghan food aside from braised goat’s testicles? Has anyone from that country ever accomplished anything apart from repelling invading super powers? Say one thing, Afghanistan is a great testing ground for MOABs and other munitions. Rocks bounce high. Shit, I would almost rather live in West Virginia.

Alright, here’s what I would do if I were you, Mr. Obama. Get our troops out and send Dick Cheney in there with his shotgun. Little Dick can try and make up for all but ignoring Afghanistan during those years he had us gallivanting off to Iraq. If we get lucky, he might just blow his own fool ass off! And don’t let him weasel out with his 6th deferment.

Space-aged Bachelor Pad

2009-10-26T17:46:00.004-04:00

Ole Wheel Gun Bob was checking out his new bachelor pad this weekend. In case you haven’t heard, my ex-girlfriend has kicked me the fuck out of our house so I had to scramble to find a bridge to live under or a winter rental. Fortunately, I found the latter. It’s a totally swinging place too, right on a harbor. The Hot Chick Network (HCN) is already abuzz about it.

I’m taking my new status as a bachelor seriously. Been hitting the gym especially hard to make myself even more attractive to those with vaginas. Hell, in a couple months, when I’m finally under 300lbs, the chicky-boos will be swarming around me much like bugs do around an open flame. My sculpted Adonis like body will be a perfect complement to my bubbly personality. No worries on the opposite sex front for me!

When’s the first party at your new space-aged bachelor pad, Wheel Gun? The answer is, of course, the minute I move in! There is a bar right next door and I will endeavor to surreptitiously tap into their beer kegs. Free beer! And when I get tired of beer and babes, I can always fish right from my front lawn. God, life will be good.

Keep an eye on this blog for my official move-in date. House warming gifts will be not only be encouraged but expected. Here are some suggestions:

A crate of Trojans (XXL).

An extra liver.

A Nintendo Wii. Not for me since I don’t partake in such juvenile pursuits like video games. Just in case any kids visit.

New laptop. My old one is crap. I have free wireless at this place and need to work on my internet porn research. Windows 7 and at least 4 gigs RAM please. See my last hilariously informative blog for my take on Windows 7. [Ed. Note – We know full well that none of WGB’s friends can afford a single roll of toilet paper let alone a new laptop but just humor him since his mental state is somewhat off balance these days].

A Kimber Ultra Carry.45 automatic. It might seem like a rich, ritzy seacoast town but you never know what the crime rate is like.

An Esquivel! boxed set.

A fishing pole.

7 & 7 Is

2009-10-23T18:38:00.003-04:00

In what is sure to inspire incontinence the world over, elephantine software titan Microsoft put it's latest operating system on sale to the general public today. Good thing I was able to locate my trusty butt plug in time. Since I am an IT fag, I will let you in on a few observations concerning Windows 7.

It is not a complete godawful cluster fucking mess like Visa was. Remember the blog I wrote about Vista when it first came out? I don't either but I'm sure it was hilarious, informative and poignant. The point is that the best thing W7 has going for it is that it is not Vista. Neither is cat shit but I wouldn't necessarily trust it to run my computer.

With W7, like Vista, you have to have a computer with serious bullocks in order to run half way decently when burdened by it. Unless you really enjoy staring into space for long periods of time while your hapless computer spins its wheels. Remember, less systems resources equals more time to fire one off so it might not be all that bad!

UAC – User account control. It’s the pain in the ass pop-up window that pops up anytime you do anything thing even remotely considered potentially harmful if done by a nefarious process. So it pops up more often than my dick would at a Victoria Secrets convention. Speaking of which, too bad humans don’t have a UAC that warns them when they are about to engage in possibly harmful activities. Like having sex without a rubber thingy on their John-Thomas. W7 has a slider control that can control the sensitivity of the UAC unlike Vista. I think it ranges from “annoying” to “complete pain in the balls.” I would just turn the fucker off completely.

Windows 7 has some other bells and whistles but since most people I know just use their computers for email and porn surfing, I won’t comment on them. Of course since I work in a business environment I will have to delve into W7 in great detail and find out why it doesn’t work with any of our applications. I’m looking forward to that as I would to having my scrotum set ablaze.

My advice? Get a 2nd mortgage and put your sheckles down on a Mac. Hot chicks did Macs.

Enema Mine

2009-10-22T16:12:00.002-04:00

I have a couple of minutes between shit cyclones here at work so I will beget for you a blog, my cyber children. Nothing special, mind you, just a standard fare random thoughts blog. Without further ado, prepare to be entertained/informed/horrified:

Obama’s enemies list – The crap feasting Republicans claim he has one. Why wouldn’t he? Enemies lists are as old as politics. I have an enemies list. It has 46 names on it all of which are my ex- girlfriend’s. Hell, she’s number 1 on my enema’s list since she is such a pain in the ass.

Baseball play offs – Who really cares? The damned Yankees will win it all. By the way, corpulent hurler C.C. Sabathia is getting so large I hear the National Guard wants him to disperse.

Kid in a balloon – Hear about the 6 year old who supposedly took off in a homemade mylar balloon? Man, when I was 6 I would’ve been psyched to fly away in a balloon. Actually I still want to. I wonder how much it would cost to make one. Shit, maybe I should lose more weight so it would be cheaper and I could get a hot chick to go with me.

Music – I was listening to the Blaster’s greatest hits on the way to the salt mines today. Jesus, that’s real Rock ‘n Roll. Check them out on YouTube. Why can’t you hear more music like that these days? Huh? Speaking of which, I am starting a new band. I will give details in my next few blogs.

I hear the winds howling. Another shit storm brewing. Gotta go.

$5 Blow Jobs Ain't Too Funny

2009-10-20T23:32:00.001-04:00

Whilst convalescing from my recent calamity, I have had a lot of time to reflect upon the state of this great nation of ours (“Oh shit,” I can hear you thinking out loud, “he's going to go on about politics”). So I will share some of my more profound thoughts with you. Just think, you won't need to pop a Valium to fall asleep.

Sarah Palin, the gift that keeps on giving, is coming out with a memoir entitled "Going Rogue: An American Life." It only took her a couple of months to “write” this book so I figure I can do the same in 15 minutes. “Going Ape Shit: A Far More Goddamned American Life” will be the title. It will feature a manly picture of me on the front cover sporting some serious weaponry. I will now provide some excerpts of this forthcoming autobiographical masterpiece for you lucky shits -

Chapter 1: My Mother's Vagina

Many wonder and rightfully so, where a man of such profound intrigue and passion came from. Well, I will tell you. My mothers vagina.

Chapter 4: My First Sexual Experience

I pretty much define male sexuality to be honest with you. And it all started when I was knee high to a shaver. Or a young grasshopper or some such metaphor. Yes, I was about three years old as the story goes according to my older sister. I saw an episode of I Love Lucy and apparently popped a big old woody the first time I caught a glimpse of Vivian Vance. Blew the fucking diaper into the next room so I'm told.

Chapter 13: The Drug Years

Heroin, cocaine, pot, LSD, 'shrooms, oxy, meth - I did 'em all. Or at least for the purposes of this idiotic book I did. My life story is so stupefyingly boring I gotta make some shit up. Just ask all the Penthouse models I screwed around with.

Chapter 17: Rock Bottom

The day I ran out of clean underwear, went commando and got my schlonger caught in a zipper. While I was at a rehab in Beverly Hills, that is. Almost forgot that part.

Chapter 18: Recovery and True Love

After getting tired of selling $5 blow jobs in the parking garage just so I could afford my next high, blah, blah, blah...

Sorry. You will have to purchase the book to find out the rest.

Squat and Face the Music

2009-10-07T14:43:00.003-04:00

Life has decided to squat over me and let fly the fecal matter full force as of late. I know, its probably the chickens coming home to roost, reaping what I've sown or whatever. But I seriously am not sure where I will call home next month. For someone with such a tenuous grip on sanity, that's not good. And my soon to be ex-girlfriend can't wait to be rid of me. Seems I'm not perfect like she is. She is right about that.

But enough of this self pity. My job is to entertain and inform you, the masses, and make your damned day! So I will wipe off all the excreta, gather myself and perform my primary function, at least as far as you are concerned. On with it -

Despite my frail being, I actually ventured out the other night. My band was playing a benefit for the yearly city Halloween parade to pay for the insurance, police, etc. I arrived at 8PM as the first band on the bill was playing. My lead singer Tom asked me where our other guitar player and fill-in drummer were. I informed Tom that I had less of an idea of their whereabouts than that of of Amelia Earhart's. I also allowed as to how I was not their goddamned mother. The situation got critical after the first band finished and our missing members were still missing. Lots of people volunteered to drum for us including local legend Bruce Pingree. It didn't matter that none of them knew how to drum. But that never stopped us before even with Rodger!

The mislaid musicians did turn up eventually and we played our special brand of precision garage rock. The bad news was we each got tickets for free drinks but I couldn't partake due to my heavily medicated person. Tom had no problem being a pal and taking them off my hands. The good news was I got a date with a hot chick who was in attendance. Will wonders never cease?

Repel The Invasion!

2009-10-01T14:05:00.006-04:00

As if my pathetic situation weren't bad enough, I now have to deal with a badly swollen and painful big toe. The doctor thinks it might be a bone spur or chip and I have to go see a podiatrist for x-rays, etc. At first, I thought my doctor said “pud”diatrist. I told her that there ain't nothing wrong with my pud and I could prove it to her if need be (which would not have been difficult since she is so cute).

[Note: I went and saw the podiatrist late this afternoon after this blog was published. He gave me a shot of cortisone right into the joint. Jesusmotherfuckingchrist it hurt like a sumbitch!]

At least blogging will not further inflame my foot so here I go:

The enemy is back! It's Fall and all the satanic squirrels are at it again. Those of you who are smart enough to have followed my blogs over the years know that I have an on going battle with the neighborhood tree rats. I have a theory the furry little fuckers are super intelligent beings from outer space that are secretly trying to take over the planet. Well, Wheelgun Bob is on to them. Their mind control will not work on me even if I'm not wearing my special aluminum foil lined baseball cap. I refuse to let them flood my brain with images of cute little lovable furry animals. I know what they are in reality – a monstrous menace to our civilization!

I am devising a counter attack to save the Earth. I have purchased some sub-sonic .22s so the neighbors won't hear it when I fill mangy little squirrel ass with lead. I will endeavor to ferret out their lair and blow it the fuck up, along with their spacecraft, using the 5 pounds of black gun powder I bought for the job. I will lay waste to any transdimentional portals they may have constructed as well as any interdimensional communication devices. Then I will add insult to injury by eating all their nuts! It will show squirrel high-command back at whatever planet they are from not to fuck with us earthlings!

It's great to be clear minded and sane. Speaking of which, it's time for my meds. See you guys later.

Ex Problems, Etc

2009-09-29T13:55:00.006-04:00

Although nearly incapacitated by my affliction, I was able to barely make it to band practice Sunday night. Not sure if my doctors would be proud or horrified. I know they will increase my medications when/if they find out. But despite a serious ring in my ears, I'm no worse for wear. Besides, having ringing in my head is better than having voices in my head.

Our fill-in drummer had a tough time with some of our weirder songs but should be OK for the show on October 5th. As to whether I make it to the show or not depends not so much on my health but the anticipated amount of Vaginal Americans (VAs) expected to be in attendance. Ole Wheelgun is sans girlfriend right now and that won't due at all. I have to find someone to give the little general new orders forthwith!

Speaking of which, Wheelgun's ex is trying to throw his ass out on the street. She has a big heart, that girl. Knows how to kick a man when he's down. So I got a cell phone just in case I need to make some phone calls from under a bridge. Despite my dire financial situation, I added the data option ($10 more a month) so I can continue to email and, far more importantly, update this blog. Feel free to send me any spare change you might have laying about since it's all about you. Or a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 in a brown paper bag.

I must now trudge on over to my doctors/tormentors and face the music, as it were.

More Therapy

2009-09-25T14:53:00.003-04:00

Due to my present woeful state, I have not been able to do much save carve the occasional blog out of the digital ether for you, my fans at Wheelgun Nation. Although not explicitly approved by my team of doctors, I am convinced that these blogs are the key to my ultimate recovery. Or at least the key to irritating a few people. Anyway, I shall proceed.

I went and visited my fucked up drummer the other day. What I mean by fucked up is that he is fucked up above and beyond the usual fucked up associated with drummers. See my last brilliant blog for an explanation. Anyway, he can't do much but wiggle a couple fingers and take pain killers. Good thing he has a hot girlfriend to tend to him. I wish I had a hot girlfriend to tend to my needs. Actually, I would take a lukewarm girlfriend at this point.

I want to start a secret society. You know like the Masons or the Illuminati. Why? I want to become part of a conspiracy theory. Plus it would be fun to come up with secret rituals and symbols. Perhaps Dan Brown would feature my secret society in his next book. I could call it the Reeses. Any of you guys remember that freakish childhood actor Mason Reese?

I would anoint myself the Grand Poobah/Wizard/Alpha-male-top-dog-mother-fucker of the Loyal Order Of Reese (LOOR) and hold secret meetings at Tens in Salisbury. In between jello shots and drooling, we will plot a new world order. What will this new world order look like? I will save that for another blog.

I wish the government would bailout old punk rock bands. They could call it “Cash for Punkers.” Any punk rocker over 50 would be eligible to be turned in for an 18 year old. I thought about getting 5 good looking kids to replace all the members of Jupiter 2. We would still do all the music and recording but these young studs would lip synch our songs on stage ala Milli-Vanilli. It's all about looks these days.

Hey, I just realized it's time for my next electroshock treatment. Don't want to be late since they will up the juice if I am. Gotta go.

Curse Of The Deuce

2009-09-21T14:25:00.005-04:00

Due to my recent travails, you would expect ole Wheelgun Bob's blog output to suffer. Two things to say about that: 1. Don't worry about me 'cause I'm sporting a serious pair. 2. My blog output wasn't great to begin with. As a matter of fact, I will endeavor to increase my online wordsmithing since my constitution is too delicate to go back to work just yet and I need the therapy. In other words – you, my dear readers, will be the beneficiaries of my unfortunate condition.

Despite my doctor's strenuous objections, I decided that I should try and play my band's October 5th show if it's still available. So I left a message for our drummer Rodger (A.K.A. “Country” Ben Redl) concerning potential practices for the gig. He returned my call the next day and said that Jupiter 2 could still play the show but we would need a different drummer. I thought what Rodger meant was that he had wised up and quit the band (as he has done before). But the real reason he can't play is just that – he can't play. And I don't mean lack-of-skill can't play either. Seems Rodge came out on the wrong end of a scooter vs. truck smack down.

I let Rodger know in no uncertain terms that having a smashed left arm and right hand is a pussy excuse for not being able to drum. I mean the fucker could still keep time with his kick drum, couldn't he? All that other shit he does is superfluous anyway. I'm sure I could fill in any gaps with my gorgeous guitar renderings or Tom could extend his theremin stylings. Or we could add some eefing and hamboning. It's all about ambient music design in our band anyway.

Rodger did make a good point. There is definitely a Jupiter 2 curse. First our lead singer Tom almost croaks from a heart attack, I have my One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest moment and now Rodger can't even wipe his own ass let alone perform a simple flam or paradiddle. What's next? Good thing we don't need to fly on any airplanes.

Post Traumatic Blog

2009-09-17T15:20:00.004-04:00

Hey, you blog starved muthafuckas! Wheelgun be in da house! Yessa! I have been laying low as of late due to a serious health condition. Won't give you ghouls the details but I will tell you this – it wasn't physical. Surprise! Anyway, as part of my road to recovery I figured I would exercise my creative genius by sculpting a blog out of ones and zeros just for you. So happy now you could shit, right?

I had to cobble together an old laptop from parts for the task since my other one went missing. I think perhaps a pissed off girlfriend made off with it. Can't blame her. So I was able to, through my considerable IT fag skills, make a machine able to handle my legendary blogs. I have the air/fuel mixture just about right but the keyboard doesn't work very well so if you see a wrd with a letter missing, try to figure out what it is by it's context. Well, without further ado, here we go...

Healthcare reform:

If this healthcare bill doesn't pass and I get denied coverage in the future due to a “pre-existing condition” (lord knows I have plenty), I will send my bills to Glen Beck, Sean Handjob and Rush Dimbulb. Those shit heads can afford anything, the rest of us can't. I know that I have been struggling mightily with the insurance company over my recent affliction.

Obama:

Seems to have bit off a bit more than he can chew but the jury is still out. As I have said before, I am convinced that there are a lot of people out there who can't cope with a scary negro as president – witness that jack-off who yelled at him during his healthcare speech. Surprised he was from the south?

Red Sox:

I was very worried for a few weeks there but it looks like they are a safe bet for the wild card spot. After winning 7 in a row they seem to be firing on most cylinders at about the right time. Not sure how far they will get in the play offs though. Hey, can anyone locate Pedro's midget?

Patriots:

Due to my delicate condition, I almost had a relapse watching the game the other night. In the future, lets have a few more laughers and run up the score just like old times OK?

Well, that's about all I can do at the moment. I'm off to see some nice people in white coats and I don't want to be late. Plus the battery on this damned piece of shit laptop is about dead. Gotta work on that.

After Birther

2009-08-09T15:40:00.004-04:00

I’m getting a big kick out of the “birther movement” - the nuts who insist that Barak Obama wasn’t a native born American so he can’t be president. There is even a soldier who refuses to deploy unless he gets proof that Obama's mother squirted Barak out on the hallowed grounds of US soil. Of course there is proof but that won’t sway these whack jobs. I just think some people are still freaked out that we have a scary negro for a president. Get used to it, assholes.

Still, the whole thing is a riot. There is this crazy chick with, ironically, a foreign accent (not sure where she’s from) who is the leader of the birthers. She is sore loser Alan Keyes’ lawyer who keeps trying to get the courts to declare Obama not legally our president. I saw her interviewed on TV recently and she is truly bug fuck out of her mind insane. The funniest thing is that some guy made a fake Kenyan Obama birth certificate and she ran with it claiming it was real. Then the forger admitted he did it to “punk” her. Awesome entertainment.

I made myself a fake Kenyan birth certificate which you can do here. Hey, maybe now I can start winning all those marathons I enter.

- Robert "Wheelgun Kip" Hussein Keino

Chubby

2009-07-23T20:29:00.004-04:00

Our very thin president Obama has chosen a fat chick to be Surgeon General. She is qualified but corpulent. People are up in arms over this because I guess they think the Surgeon General should be in perfect health with no bad habits. I like the idea of a chubby Surgeon General myself, the fatter the better. It would be great if she was so fat they had to roll her around in a bed like those half ton people you see in the tabloids.

Obama doesn’t set a very healthy example himself because he smokes cigarettes. But at least he doesn’t smoke crack like the last president. And Bubba Clinton smoked cigars, ate copious amounts of cheese burgers and got more ass than a Grand Canyon tour.

I’m going to put “Bed Full Of Fat Chicks” by the Tunnel Rats on the stereo and research what the Surgeon General does besides puting warnings on cigarette packages. And eat a goddamned bag of cookies while I’m at it.

American Standard Orbit

2009-07-21T20:34:00.002-04:00

Do you know how much the toilet on the international space station cost? $19 million dollars! That’s a lot of money for an orbiting shitter. You would think that the “Waste and Hygiene Compartment” was made of gold. But it’s not. Why so expensive? And where does the shit go? I suppose it’s not as simple as hanging your ass out a port hole and pinching a loaf. Who knows what the vacuum of outer space would do to your sit-upon. Probably turn you inside out through your rectum. Not much fun I suspect. I would spend $19 mil to prevent that. I just hope that the falling star that I wished upon the other night wasn’t a hunk of astronaut shit.

The space station currently has 13 people onboard and the space commode overflowed the other day. It’s bad enough when that happens on Earth where gravity can at least keep the offal on the floor. And you thought being an astronaut was so glamorous. Do they train astronauts at NASA for unclogging space heads? I bet they do. All contingencies are covered. I just hope it doesn’t become a chronic problem. Does it come with a warranty? Should for the money. I wonder if it was built by American Standard?

I also heard that NASA has a machine that turns piss into drinking water thus reducing the need to bring water to the station. I wonder if you could tweak it a bit to turn piss into beer. I’m fairly efficient at the reverse myself.

Missing: The Gay Sex Scene Between Armstrong and Collins

2009-07-17T18:07:00.001-04:00

In what could be the biggest “what the fuck?” in human history, NASA erased the video of the first lunar landing in order to re-use the tape. You would think that back in the Apollo heyday at least, NASA had the budget for a few extra tapes. And it was a fairly momentous occasion, the first time humans landed on the moon and all. I wonder what the tape was eventually re-used for. Maybe some horn-dog flight controller put a camera in the female astronaut’s bathroom so he go get a peak at Sally Ride’s ass.

Or maybe it was erased on purpose. Perhaps it showed something they didn’t want us to see and I don’t mean Buzz Aldrin naked. Maybe some alien activity? The tape may have shown how Neil Armstrong and the aforementioned Buzz were taken over by aliens by inhabiting their bodies. I can see how NASA would want to sweep that one under the carpet. Hopefully they have been keeping an eye on the former moon walkers just in case. Buzz Aldrin is always going on about how aliens exist and Aldrin himself may be the definitive proof.

Some conspiracy nuts may say that either the tape never existed or that NASA destroyed it because it contained evidence that we never went to the moon. Crazy stuff. Maybe Neil Armstrong was the lone gunman as well. And we all know that Apollo 11 pilot Michael Collins flew a plane into the World Trade Center. I don’t think it’s likely that Buzz Aldrin is a member of the Illuminati but you never know.

I think the alien activity theory is the most plausible.

Musings on the MLB All-Star Game

2009-07-15T20:29:00.003-04:00

There is just way too much ceremony and bullshit surrounding the all-star game. They should just run down the line-ups and start playing the game promptly at 8. I like tradition and seeing the old ball players and all but things are taken to extremes. They went and disconnected poor 88 year old Stan Musial from his life support and wheeled him out in order for him to hand the first pitch baseball to the president of The United States. I’m sure the poor old Hall Of Famer would rather have been back at the home getting his daily enema.

President Obama by the way, throws like a girl or, even worse, like Johnny Damon. But he is a left hander and could probably catch on with a team as a lefty specialist, perhaps with the Nationals. Would his catcher need a teleprompter?

Instead of waterboarding terror suspects, why not force them to listen to Tim McCarver for an inning or two? I would give up anything just to get him to stop. Before I turned the sound off on the TV, I was about to confess to everything including the murder of Paul McCartney.

Jonathan Papelbon came one great catch away from blowing the game for the AL. But he got the win. The whole win rule in baseball is stupid. Just because you happen to have pitched the inning that your team goes ahead for good in, you get the win. Even if you give up 13 runs and have blown the win for the starter. I wish life was like that. You could get a win despite fucking everything up for everyone else.

Too many goddamned commercials – standard complaint, I know. I would just switch over to “Deadliest Catch” during the breaks. Did you know those crab fishing guys are nuts? They make the long dollar, though. But not as long a dollar as AL all-star starter Roy Halladay will make on his next contract. If I had been the AL all-star manger, I would have started Tim Wakefield instead of Halladay, who gave up a couple runs. Those NL guys were so amped up, they would have screwed themselves into the ground swatting at Wakefield’s butterflies.

I hate the singing of God Bless America during the 7th inning stretch. They’ve been doing this since 9/11 for some stupid reason. If it gives you an extra 3 minutes to pound another beer or two, I suppose it’s OK. But do we really have to ask God to bless America all the time? Do you think he sometimes forgets? And what about other countries? Let’s ask him to bless Uzbekistan occasionally.

And what was with the giant American flag that covered almost the whole field? I thought MLB was trying to make baseball more of an international sport these days. Does the fact that we have enormous flags make us a great country? Just because I have an enormous penis doesn’t make me a great guy.

How much do you suppose the flyover of the stealth bomber cost? And why a stealth bomber? Why not the usual group of F-15 fighters? Are we trying to send a message to the world? And what would that message be? Did you know that those planes literally cost more than their weight in gold? I would rather see a flyover by an old bi-plane with a wing walker. Or perhaps you could put Stan Musial on the wing with his walker.

More Theories About The Self Proclaimed "King of Pop"

2009-06-29T17:51:00.001-04:00

Damned, I just came up with another Michael Jackson theory. Remember that pet chimp he had? I think it’s name was Bubbles or something stupid like that. Not long ago it was reported in the news that someone’s pet chimp chewed the face right off an unfortunate woman. Chimps are, after all, wild animals and are prone to going “ape shit” and chewing people’s hands, faces and even genitals off. Maybe this happened to Michael and that weird face of his was plastic surgery to hide the results of such a simian attack.

Chimps are a lot stronger than humans and even the cute, seemingly domesticated ones can go rogue at any given moment. Powerful shock collars and hefty weaponry should always be employed when fucking around with apes. Better yet, leave them the fuck alone in their natural habitats! Get a goddamned cat! Although I did have a cat once that almost chewed the face off my drummer.

Just Beat It

2009-06-26T13:48:00.001-04:00

That squeaky voiced pedophile freak show Michael Jackson won’t be down for breakfast anymore. Or at least that’s what people claim. I think he is still alive and pulling a Howard Hughes on us. He was getting so reclusive and weird, not to mention staggeringly in debt, that I bet you he faked his own death. He will no doubt have his plastic surgeon turn him back into an African American and then Michael will moon walk into oblivion. Maybe he will move to North Korea. I won’t miss him.

HATE

2009-05-31T11:42:00.003-04:00

It’s Sunday and I’m about to end my week in exile. Unpaid exile that is. Without going into the gory details, I was forced to take two weeks unpaid time off like the rest of the company I work for. However, since I am so “valuable” to the IT department, our CIO (chief information officer) and vice president had exempted me. Well guess what? Our CIO has left for greener pastures (actually a company out in California that makes missiles – believe you me, I am trying to get a job there) so the deal is apparently off. And since a couple of unprotected malcontents complained to HR, I’ve been told to go bye-bye for two weeks. Huge “Fuck You!!”s to a lot of people.

You have no fucking idea how pissed I am. A deal is a deal as far as I’m concerned. I thought it was unfair to begin with (as I said at the time) but I agreed to it against my better judgment (what am I to do when the CIO and my immediate boss pull this on me w/o prior warning?) and I also agreed not to be looking for another job in exchange for this “protection”. What a dumb fuck I am. I missed some important opportunities.

Well, I just took one week off and I will endeavor to find the most inconvenient time to take the next one off. I know I am old fashioned but a deal is a deal! They can all go and fuck themselves raw and bleeding with a pressure treated, rusty nail festooned 4x6. They can feast upon my corn fed shit. They can quaff my staff and paint or swallow. God, I hate cubville. I just want to play with computers – hell, I’m good at it. It's this other office politic bullshit that I hate. HATE!!!!

Your Love Is Like A Mutant Rainbow

2009-05-27T10:18:00.011-04:00

Check this out.

This song has been in my head ever since I saw "The Omega Man" starring Chuck Heston during a film premier in London circa 1971. My best Friend Lem was a child film actor, among other things (he is currently a renowned screen writer in Hollywood) and was able to get me into this premier.

If you have ever seen the film, Robert Neville (Chuck) is the last man on earth except for the mutants (Anthony Zerbe will forever be one of my favorite actors) and, at one point, he goes into a movie theater to watch "Woodstock" (it was just a cinematic vehicle to show how there was once thousands of people on Earth). The part that plays is this one with Country Joe And The Fish. Perhaps it was the first time I had ever really paid attention to a Vox organ. Been obsessed ever since. Years later, at The Stone Church here in New Hampshire, I met Country Joe and presented him with a song I had written about Ronald Reagan. He laughed and mentioned me during his performance.

P.S. I read the book "I Am Legend" by Richard Matheson just after seeing "Omega Man" and, of course, it has little to do with the movie. The recent movie with Will Smith, although not bad aint that close either.

P.P.S. Can you imagine the brouhaha if 'ole Chuck had said this about a Republican president instead of Clinton? My god, it would have paled in comparison the Dixie Chicks outrage.

“Mr. Clinton, sir, America didn’t trust you with our health care system. America didn’t trust you with gays in the military. America doesn’t trust you with our 21 year old daughters, and we sure, Lord, don’t trust you with our guns.”

P.P.P.S Keep your hands off me you damned, dirty apes!

And here is a picture of my HOG

2009-05-26T17:01:00.006-04:00

Here is a picture of my cock

2009-05-24T02:54:00.001-04:00

A Change Of Profession

2009-05-18T17:54:00.003-04:00

[ed. note: WGB is still planning on putting a picture of his cock on this site (see last blog) but is working out last minute logistic and legality issues.]

There was this notion around when I was a kid that young boys would like to run away from home and join the circus. Who knows, now-a-days kids probably want to run away from home and become rappers or Nintendo DS professionals. Anyway, I never wanted to run away and join the circus as a kid. Thought it was stupid. I wanted to be a scientist. But as I sit here in cubeville, I’ve had a change of heart. Since its basically a circus around here complete with plenty of clowns, why not join a real one? And I would join the Circus as a clown too. And no, I’m not going to come up with a bunch of obscene clowns names like “Knuckles Deep The Clown” or “Shits the Clown” for your puerile amusement because I’m serious.

I’m going to quit this job (or get laid off – big one coming this week) and go to clown school. I’ve seen some real clowns recently and it’s tough work. One was the patriarch of the Flying Wallendas who starts the show off without you knowing who he really is until this fucking clown is upside down on his head on a wire 30 feet up. I couldn’t do anything that required dexterity or athleticism but I could make kids laugh and annoy adults. I’m serious. I’m going to look into it. Now go ahead and make up all the stupid clown names for me you want.

DARE

2009-05-15T16:45:00.002-04:00

I just noticed that no one comments on my blogs anymore. I know readership is still good, so why the lack of responses? I have a few theories:

#1 Guilt by association. You are afraid of being somehow associated with my lunatic ranting and that the NSA or CIA or FBI or Jack Bauer will track you down and slap one of those warrantless wiretaps on your ass. A reasonable fear these days indeed.

#2 Afraid of seeming stupid compared to the prodigious wit of Wheel Gun Bob. As it is, I purposely dumb-down my blogs so you folks can sometimes understand them. Perhaps I will turn them down a notch or two further so you will feel OK with commenting on them. Don’t worry, you won’t get graded.

#3 You are genuinely offended by my bullshit. Maybe you work up the mother of all comments to tell me off and are about to submit it when you chicken out. Believe you me, I could become a lot more offensive. Just dare me. Anyone?

#4 You are shy, have a crush on me and are afraid of hurting my feelings. Hey, if you hurt my feelings, I’m sure I can figure out what you will need to perform in order to mitigate my pain.

#5 You think I will come after you with a hail of lead. Don’t worry – I’m not that violent. And even lazier.

#6 There’s nothing worth commenting about. Ridiculous.

I will give you fuckers something to comment about, alright. If I don’t get at least 5 responses to this post, I promise to put a picture of my cock in my next blog. Seriously. Get ready.

Your Concerns Addressed

2009-05-11T16:23:00.003-04:00

Ok, ok, you all have been pestering me so much lately that I am forced to address your concerns. Yeesh.

#1 Swine flu. Since I am so learned and worldly you always come to me with these life or death questions. How to protect yourself from swine flu? First off, I would avoid any pig fucking whatsoever. Secondly, cook your bacon thoroughly. It always tastes better crispy anyway.

#2 Obama's 1st 100 days. Doesn't seemed to have caused too much damage and it's too early to tell if he has any hope of cleaning up the disaster of the last 8 years. I'm already sick of hearing him talk but at least he can talk.

#3 Gay marriage. I would marry a lesbian if she wanted to have sex with me.

#4 The whole A-Rod thing. "Bitch Tits" was his nickname because the 'roids gave him female like breasts. What a riot. Can't wait until he shows up at Fenway. Think he would autograph my manzier? Do you suppose Madonna was taken aback when she realized her clitoris was a lot bigger than A-Rod’s rod? Actually, that’s not saying a lot. Ron Jeremy would be jealous of Madogna’s giant man in the ship. But A-Rod is probably now hung like a bull pygmy marmoset. Let’s call him “A-Clit” from now on.

#5 The new Trek movie. Of course I'm going to watch it. As a youth, watching Uhura in her micro-mini filled up my spank bank well before I even realized I had a spank bank. Can’t wait to see the hottie who plays the new Uhura. Hey, I wonder if Sulu will still be gay?

#7 (Wo)manny Ramirez. Shit, worse than ‘ole Bitch Tits. He was taking some female hormones to jump start his testicles after a ‘roid cycle. Do you think he grew a womb? Maybe he and A-Rod can get together for a nice cup of chamomile tea and a Jane Quinn Medicine Woman marathon on T.V. Hell, between the two of them, you would have a pretty decent woman. Personally, I would rather wash out in the minor leagues than fuck around with whatever performance “enhancing” drugs those idiots fucked around with. I would bet their “performance” ain’t so great these days. I might not be able to hit 50 home runs but at least I can still fire one off when the occasion demands it. Maybe not off the green monster or into the seats at Yankee Stadium, but a respectable distance none-the-less.

#8 Hubble. NASA is sending a shuttle mission to tune up the Hubble space telescope. Maybe adjust its air/fuel mixture a tad. As always, I would suggest keeping an eye out for pesky aliens who might not want us to gaze further into the universe. Make sure our astronauts are well armed! Bring some street sweepers and AK-47s at least. And if you see Uhura up there, bring her to me.

Eat shit and smile – it’s a paycheck

2009-04-20T15:32:00.001-04:00

Jesus mofo Christ am I depressed. Here I am at work which is bad enough. But now we are in “shutdown” mode which means that the company is doing so poorly it has to turn off the lights and the heat and tell people to go get unemployment for a couple weeks at a time. All except for a hand full of IT idiots deemed necessary of “protecting” so they, unlike most of the intelligent ones, don’t leave for greener pastures. And yes, I’m one of those idiots. And the worst part is I have to keep it secret from the IT people they didn’t protect who are on unemployment. Fuck.

So I need to vent and, although I hear blogging is dead due to the onslaught of hipper technologies like Facebook and Twitter, I will go old school on your asses and tickle your fancies with a vintage, sepia-toned blog. 23 skidoo!

Politics: Our jug-eared president with the outrageously hot wife is trying his best to undo all the damage wrought during the last 8 years both domestically and foreign by our former jug-eared president. Good luck. And how does he get all this time to gallivant around the world when he should be putting the wood to the old lady 24/7? I would be willing to step in and help out on that front (or back) – that’s how patriotic I am.

Speaking of which, I saw the funniest spam the other day. It was of course for some Viagra like pill. It said “Do you have enough energy to tear her ham wallet?”

My bro-in-law Lumber Yard Dennis just had a contraption put in his heart. I guess he dropped a valve rooting for the Yankees. Anyway, they got some sort of American Standard plumbing piece, got Dennis really drunk and stuck it in his ticker. He seems to be OK but they are trying to get the Drano levels just right in his blood. If you hear a loud flushing noise the next time the Yanks loose, you will know why.

It being spring time, Ole Wheel Gun has been hitting the gym hard so the local chicky-boos will have someone to desire. Once under 300lbs, I’m sure they will flock to me. That plus I’m using Grecian formula to cloak my advanced age. Little Wheel Gun will sure be busy soon tearing some ham wallet.

Shit, I'm Old!

2009-02-24T05:22:00.002-05:00

Great-gosh-ahmighty, my faithful readers, I turn 50 years old today! But I won’t be making one of my always hilarious lists of things you can get me for my birthday. No, I think you guys know what I want by now. And I won’t make what would no doubt be a riotous list of things to look forward to after the age of 50 (Geritol, musk melon sized prostate, AARP membership, yelling at kids to “get the hell off my goddamned lawn”, etc). So what entertainment will I provide for you, my obsessed worshippers, on the day of my half century mark? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing! It’s your turn to entertain me for once. So get to it!

4 X 4

2009-01-19T23:37:00.008-05:00

[Ed. Note - This blog is just a regurgitation of all the shit I've said before so please feel free to skip it. I promise not to spew venomous hatred toward Republicans anymore after this. After all, I do have Republican friends and relatives!]

[Ed. Note # 2 - This festering turd is blog # 201! I invite you to check out some of my old blogs and notice how I haven't improved over time one bit. And I seem to talk about the same damned crap over and over again. Sadly, expect blogs 202 - 300 not to vary from this monotonous routine much.]

Look, nobody is sure how Barrack Obama will make out as our president. He seems smart, cool, calm and collected and also seems worldly and well spoken. I know none of theses attributes impress Republicans in the least. I mean look who the fuck their heroes are – people like Dan Quayle, Sarah Palin and ole Dubya hisself. Even their uber hero, Ronald Regan, was a dopey actor playing a president on TV.

This is why I hate the ideology of the Republican Party. It celebrates stupidity. It despises science and logic. It’s superstitious and faith based. It believes the world is only 6,000 years old and that Christianity is the only true religion. It actually believes that if the rich get richer, than we might be brought along for the ride (um, I’m still waiting). The gap between the rich and the rest of us has grown exponentially wider. Fuck ‘em with a 4 x 4 I say!

The Republicans care about only one country and it ain’t the U S of A – it’s Israel. For whatever reason, be it because it’s the land the Christians are going to ascend to heaven from during the rapture or the dollars given to them by AIPAC, the #1 goal of the Republican Party is to “protect” Israel from its “enemies.” In sad reality, it will end up destroying it. And if you dare question Israel-centric policy, you are branded an anti-Semite. I have a friend from Israel who is astonished by this stupidity. Fuck the Republicans with a pressure treated 4 X 4!!!!

The Republicans claim to be the party of limited government. Define “limited government”? Perhaps limited to Republicans only? They have spent the last 8 years trying to turn the presidency into a monarchy. Can you imagine what our founding fathers would have thought of warrant-less wire tapping? “They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security” some damned liberal named Benjamin Franklin once said. Republicans don’t give a rat’s nipple about the constitution. Fuck ‘em with a zwill coated, pressure treated 4 X 4!!!!

I spend way too much time listening to talk radio. They declare anyone who is not in lock step with their fucked up ideology un-American, treasonous, and even worse – a liberal. I hate liberals too. At least the way they are depictedby the right wing. In real life most liberals really love their country and would like to improve it. Kind of like a parent with a troubled child. Just because they all wear Birkenstocks and reek of patchouli don’t make em bad folk. They actually work hard and love their kids. And I know only a hand full of liberals who boil kittens alive after sodomizing them.

Well, good luck Mr. Obama. You will need it because you have just been handed a steaming pile of dog shit to deal with thanks to those fucking jackass Republicans. I say fuck ‘em with a pressure treated, zwill covered, rusty nail festooned, acid soaked 4 X 4. Twice.

Holy Shit

2009-01-14T20:26:00.004-05:00

Those crazy fuckers in the mid-east just can’t seem to get along so I suggest we (the rest of the world) take the holy land away from them. Kind of like taking a toy away from two kids fighting over it. So what should we do with it afterwards? Here are my suggestions:

Giant water park. Assuming they have enough water in that godforsaken land. If not, then a regular amusement park will do. You could have rides much like Disney’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” except with biblical themes such as “The Crucifixion” featuring roller coaster seats shaped like a cross. And a car bomb obstacle course would surely be popular.

Missile and bomb testing range. It’s practically that already.

The mother of all shopping malls. Just enclose the whole damned Middle East, slap some air-conditioning on it and the shops will come. You could even have a million screen multiplex.

The world’s largest titty bar! Possible names for it could be "The Gaza Strip" or "The Camel's Toe" or "The Hole-y Land" or "Glory Holy" or "Lawrence of Labia" or "Hair M" or "Piece In The Middle East" or "The West Skank." They could have a once a month special on Bloody Marys called "Red Sea Night."

Declare the Middle East a religion free zone. Anyone caught killing in the name of god or even just praying will be decapitated and a camel will shit down their neck.

Extra terrestrial landing area. Using olive trees, spell out the word “HELP!” so big that its visible from outer space.

Nature preserve. Remove all humans and let nature take over. Perhaps sand fleas will evolve super intelligence and end up ruling the world.

Huge dump. Put all the worlds trash in one spot – the middle east. Use the methane generated for power. You could also have a big-assed junkyard. Junkyard wars instead of real wars.

Sports complex. Everything from golf courses to drag strips and road courses. Boat drags in the Red Sea! Stadiums galore! Hell, you could move the old Yankee Stadium there. Camel polo!

Movie set. Biblical epics could be filmed there in real time. Hell, dig up the still slightly warm corpse of Chuck Heston and have him part the red sea of Palistinian blood.

Agriculture. Use it to grow barley, hops, grapes and, depending on the weather and water availability, less important crops such corn and wheat.

Giant cemetery. It’s certainly headed that way now.

Random Thoughts While At Work

2009-01-13T12:22:00.001-05:00

Jim Rice finally makes it into the hall of fame. Apart from being a surly prick, he was a great and feared hitter and learned how to play a good left field for the Red Sox. I was probably at Fenway maybe 25 times when he was in the line-up (I could afford it back then) and I swear his batting average must have been close to .500 with me in the seats. I saw him hit three home runs in a game twice. I also saw numerous pitchers soil themselves when he came to bat. I know I would have had the trainer suture my asshole shut if I was going to face Jim Rice from the mound.

Just call me Captain Eeyore. I’m reading this great book about William “Captain” Kidd and the author includes excerpts from whatever diaries and writings that still exist from that period. It’s a riot how people wrote back then. One pirate describes a particularly well hung individual as “having the pudenda of an ass.” Hilarious. I’m going to endeavor to use that phrase as much as possible.

I was half listening to the local news the other day when I caught something about police responding to reports of a man tied to a tree. Nothing else, just that. I formed this mental picture of some goober tied to a tree with big, fat ropes and when the cops pull up he tells them to get lost. I mean, how long was the guy there? Why? For a joke, for revenge, for fun? And is it illegal to be tied to a tree? It raises so many questions. Why do I find shit like this so damned amusing?

Why the hell am I not working on my resume like everyone else around me?

Hefty Memoirs

2009-01-08T20:12:00.003-05:00

Laura Bush just got a hefty advance for her memoirs. Or perhaps someone just made an advance on her hefty mammories. In either case, I hope she writes a tell all book. Wouldn’t it be a riot if she came up with juicy tidbits like how her hubby enjoyed dressing up in a general’s uniform and insisting that Laura defecate on him while howling “incoming! incoming!”? Actually, W looks more like a waterworks kind of guy – the smirk gives it away. But I’m sure she will just write about how she replaced the White House curtains and upgraded the Wedgewood.

I want to ghostwrite George Bush’s memoirs after he mercifully leaves the White House later this month. I am an accomplished writer as this blog obviously attests to. And although not really privy to the inside workings of Bush’s “mind,” I do own (and have observed for quite some time) sea monkeys.

I have many theories about the soon-to-be former "leader" of the free world. I think he was a very faith-based and gullible goober when he took office, certainly not a man of curiosity and reason. Neoconservatives, lead by Dark Lord of The Sith Dick Cheney, easily convinced him that we needed to attack Iraq as soon as possible to save Israel for the Christians during the upcoming End of Times. “Weapons of mass destruction” was just the bullshit justification they used to fool the general public. See, the Neocons main goal in life is to eradicate all perceived enemies of Israel whether in the best interests of America or not. Too bad their actions have made Israel, not to mention America, far less safe.

So, what should I call Bush’s “auto” biography? How about “What I Did When I Lived In That Big White House” or “Bush Clearin’ Brush” or “My Time As The Deciderer”? Some obvious ones would be “Mission Accomplished” or “Crusade” or “War President.” I think I might call it “Misunderestimated.” Let me know if you have any other ideas for titles.

I will have an amusing chapter on how to pass out drunk and blame it on a pretzel. I will tell stories of flyin’ around on Air Force One during that tornado that sunk New Orleans. I will blame George Tenet and Don Rumsfeld for all Iraq related mistakes. I will make sure to constantly repeat how safe I’ve kept this country after those airplanes ran into the buildings in New York City during Clinton’s presidency and how I kicked Saddam Hussein’s ass for planning it. Probably won’t mention Bin Laden. I will blame economic woes on poor people. And I will tell all about how Laura gives incredible grumpkins.

255 Degrees In The Shade

2008-12-23T08:36:00.001-05:00

I am such a pussy when it comes to winter since I have never really adapted to cold weather. I’m not happy until it’s 95 and humid. I would rather my balls be bathed in sweat than gone south for the winter. It was about 10 degrees Fahrenheit when I got up this morning. Or 255 degrees Kelvin. In either case, my testicles were cowering next to my Adam’s apple.

I was very tempted to make myself a hot toddy, toss a porn into the VHS and not venture to work. Which gets me to the real gist of this blog, my employment. As you probably know, since you are no doubt an avid reader of this blog like so many, I work in an IT department for a semi-conductor company in Massachusetts. I know times are tough all over (unless you are a defense contractor or bankruptcy lawyer) but things are beyond tough in the semi-conductor biz. No sales period. And none forecasted until late next year if we are lucky. So what to do with all the employees with nothing to do? Get rid of them! This year alone we have booted over a 1/3 of our work force which was already down considerably from the year before.

So why am I still employed? Got me. And those of us survivors will have to endure weeks of unpaid shutdowns in the coming months. Needless to say morale aint all that high at work. And it doesn’t help ole Wheegun’s fragile nerves to be in this situation. Remember, I’m the one who stays awake at night worrying about the asteroids hitting the Earth. I’m a godawful wreck.

“What can we do to help, Wheelgun?” I hear you all ask. I suppose the answer really depends on your gender, if you know what I mean. But apart from that, please take me out drinking! I need to get out more! Even if it’s a really cold night, since I’ve devised a ball warmer made from an old car heater. I will just have to drag a 12 volt automotive battery around with me. Lord Kelvin would be proud.

Ice Ice, Baby

2008-12-17T21:00:00.010-05:00

Boy, it really sucked not having internet for a few days due to the ice storm. I’m way behind in my internet porn research. Gotta make up for lost time since the spank bank is almost empty. But before I do, I will grace you guys with a wildly entertaining/informative blog - just the kind you have come to expect from me!

I’ve been watching some of those old Christmas movies lately since my roommates put them on all the time. Of course I would prefer to be watching some hot girl on girl action (x-rated, not x-mas), but what the hell. So here a few observations I have about holiday cinema fare:

I would rather live in Potterville in “It’s a Wonderful Life”, the alternative future that happens if George Bailey never exists. A lot of debauchery and merry drunkenness goes on there, so what could be better? It also seems like a place you could get a decent backstreet blow job for less than 5 bucks. And here’s a question: If every time you hear a bell ring it means an angel gets a pair of wings, what is it you hear when an imp gets a pair of horns? A fart?

Wouldn’t it have been a riot if Herme in “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer” wanted to be urologist and not a dentist? And he circumcised the abominable snowman instead of removing his teeth? What if he wanted to be a proctologist? A gynecologist? Man, I stay up late wondering these things.

They should do an updated version of “A Charlie Brown Christmas” because you know Charlie Brown would bring a Tech-9 to school and cut down all of his tormentors if the story took place in the present. He would no doubt be part of the trench coat mafia. And I could see him hauling out a neener and popping a cap in Lucy’s fool ass for removing that damned football.

Holy shit, what a fucked up story “A Christmas Carol” is. An evil old fucker hallucinates one night and then becomes a philanthropist for the rest of his life. Maybe there is hope for Dick Cheney. Perhaps we can get Grace Slick to slip some ‘cid into his scotch and soda like she almost did to Nixon’s.

Why the hell didn't those weird little fuckers in Whoville have burgler alarms or Neighborhood Watch? And unless Whoville had strict gun control laws thanks to those goddamned Who liberals, I suspect the Grinch's sit-upon would find itself overburden with double-aught buck.

Any guess as to what would happen to Santa from “Miracle On 34th Street” nowadays? He would find himself face down and ass up in a prison.

I should probably stop now. I am harshing everyone’s Christmas buzz. Sorry.

Car Czar

2008-12-09T18:08:00.005-05:00

Did you hear that part of this automotive bailout that Congress is proposing for the Detroit dinosaurs calls for a “Car Czar”? Shit, I want to apply! My qualifications are numerous : I have been driving for 34 years and have a spotless record, I own a car, I rebuilt the engine on my 383 Road Runner when I was in high school and would race it at New England Dragway on grudge nights, I can change a flat by myself, I watch NASCAR, I’m a member of FAG (Fans Against Gordon), I’m a huge NHRA fan, I still have a bunch of Hot Wheels, I drive a standard, I am related to an automotive pioneer, I once had a long conversation with “Big Daddy” Don Garlits, I’ve been to the Earls Court Motor Show in London, I’ve been to a Formula 1 race, I can parallel park with the best of them, need I go on?

Here are some of the things I would do as the nation’s Car Czar:

1. Force the big 3 Detroit Automakers to merge into one company and call it “God’s Chosen Car Company” or GC3 for short.

2. Make them sell only incredibly fuel efficient/hybrid/fuel cell/bio-diesel/solar/piss powered cars with a minimum fuel economy of 50 MPG.

3. Limit automotive executive compensation to the current minimum wage.

4. Require automotive executives to work the line at least 20 hours per week.

5. Exempt all 60’s muscle cars from any regulations at all.

6. Make the Speed channel part of basic cable.

7. Force guys who buy big pick-up trucks or SUVs who don’t really need them to have a “Small Penis On Board” sign in the back window.

8. Reduce the national speed limit to 60. I would make it 55 but the last thing I want to do is encourage Sammy Hagar.

9. End ethanol subsidies for automotive fuels and apply them to any drinkable alcohols.

10. Insist on a public apology from General Motors for the Chevy Vega.

11. Ban Renaults from the US.

12. Make car dealerships have self checkouts thus eliminating that scourge of western civilization, the car salesman.

13. Federally subsidized taxi rides to and from bars!

And if those fuckers in Detroit want any of our money, they better start making cars that are built to last unlike my last Chevy Blazer which was one heinous piece of shit.

Gimmie

2008-12-06T20:31:00.003-05:00

It’s time for Wheelgun Bob’s yearly Christmas wish list, my faithful worshippers! Please don’t hesitate to use this list when you wander out to get me something this holiday season. But keep in mind it’s only a guide. If, for example, I put a Dodge Viper on the list and you want to get me a Bentley Continental GT instead, then have at it! So here is the list in no particular order:

Gift certificate to newegg.com. I haven’t built a computer from scratch in 4 years! I’m suffering from the geek version of DSB (deadly sperm build-up). Help!

Kimber Ultra Carry .45 automatic. Quick! Before the liberals take our guns away! This has been on my last 4 Christmas lists. Could someone please step up to the plate?

A new snow blower. The old one finally shit the bed after only 30 years and that blows! Although my driveway is only 20 ft long I also do all the sidewalks on my block. I want one with heated handles and a drink holder.

“Butt Fuck Sluts 7 - The Directors Cut” DVD. Nuanced acting and gorgeous camera work, arguably the best of the series.

An autographed picture of Karl Rove. Who knows, I might run out of toilet paper one of these days.

A new scotum. I don’t really need one, I just like saying the word “scrotum.” Go ahead, say “scrotum” out loud right now – it’s fun! It kinda trips off the tongue, as it were…

A couple of weeks on one of those big resort cruise ships. Just keep it far away from the Somali coast.

A business loan so I can start my own business and get the hell out of cubeville. What kind of business? That’s a subject for an upcoming blog.

Some autographed OJ Simpson memorabilia. I would feel safe selling it now.

A copy of Eddie Vedder’s death certificate. Please, oh please, make this happen. I am so fucking sick of hearing his imitators on every goddamned “music” radio station known to man. And you wonder why I listen to the right wing government propagandist shit-bags like Rush or Jay Severn.

Or maybe Peace on Earth or some such hippy crap.

Christmas is for Christians only!

2008-11-29T14:30:00.003-05:00

As you know, I’m not one of those guys who goes on constantly about how much he hates this thing or that. Ok, with the possible exception of anything related to the Bush administration. Now I’m going to let you in on something that I despise with all my being (which is really saying something since I have a lot of being). It’s this whole mythical “war against Christmas” bullfuck that Bill O’Reilly and the other slithering shitheads go on about at this time every year. The “War on Christmas,” they tell us, is the left’s attempt to secularize a Christian holiday. There is even this horse’s ass who rates how “Christmas friendly” stores are by how their catalogs reflect the upcoming season. If they dare use the phrase “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” then they should be boycotted according to this dick. Well fuck you guys and the reindeer you rode in on.

I don’t give a polar bear’s pudendum if someone say’s “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Hanukkah” or “Go fuck yourself an elf!” O’Reilly and his malodorous ilk have no right to tell me or anyone how to celebrate this time of year or how we should express it. Not only that, this whole “war on Christmas” doesn't really exist. It’s another example how the right wing makes shit up about the evil liberals and how they are turning America into a godless nation. I tell you what, the only person I know who is dead set against anything to do with Christmas happens to be a fundamentalist Christian! All my commie liberal pals love Christmas and, believe it or not, some even go to church when they are not busy turning state secrets over to the Soviet Union.

Apparently, you must be a Christian in order to celebrate Christmas. Sorry, guys, I have my own damned religion and nobody is going to tell me that since I’m not a Christian I can’t celebrate Christmas! This is supposed to be a free country without the establishment of a religion. Nobody owns Christmas. If you want to celebrate Christmas by tying everything to Jesus, then more power to you. But don’t you dare tell me I can’t put that little plastic manger on the railroad tracks under the Christmas tree and run a train into it! Besides, I always glued the baby Jesus and the wise men back in afterwards.

Mr. Wheelgun Goes to Washington

2008-11-20T19:59:00.006-05:00

I want a position in Barak Obama’s cabinet, hopefully sitting on my fat ass sipping a martini. The possibilities are Secretaries of Agriculture, Commerce, Defense, Education, Energy, Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, Housing and Urban Development, Interior, Labor, State, Transportation, Treasury, Veterans Affairs, and Attorney General. So which one for me? Or perhaps they should add a new one like Secretary of Beer or Secretary of Lingerie. As Secretary of Lingerie, I would make sure all good looking chicks had to wear short skirts and thigh-highs. Kind of like the exact opposite of an Islamic country.

So Mr. Obama, this is what I would do if you were so smart as to offer me a position in your cabinet:

Secretary of Agriculture:
I would push through huge subsidies for growers of hops and barley.

Secretary of Commerce:
I would get rid of all interstate trucking and make people use trains to transport goods. I hate getting stuck behind trucks.

Secretary of Defense:
Who’s kidding who? It’s Secretary of Offense! I would lob MOABs at unsuspecting countries every now and then just to let the world know that America still kicks ass!

Secretary of Energy:
Jaeger Bombs (Red Bull energy drink and Jagermeister) for everybody!

Secretary of Education:
Would mandate the wearing of catholic school girl uniforms for all high school girls, their mothers and their female teachers.

Secretary of Health and Human Services:
Appoint myself “Gyno General.”

Secretary of Homeland Security:
I would make repelling alien invasions from outer space my top priority.

Secretary of Housing and Urban development:
Yurts for the homeless.

Secretary of The Interior:
I would give back everything to the American Indians and make everyone of European descent live in a reservations.

Secretary of Labor:
Mandate a 2 day work week for everyone but strippers and allow drinking alcohol in all work places.

Secretary of State:
Pursue relations with inter-dimensional beings.

Secretary of Transportation:
New law - the size of your car would have to be inversely proportional to your penis length. I wonder if I could fit into a Matchbox car?

Secretary of Veterans Affairs:
Would find an answer to this question - for how many years do you have to have an affair for it to qualify?

Secretary of Treasury:
I would commission a design for the new three dollar bill that would have Little Richard’s face on it.

Attorney General:
Go after all those fuckers in the Bush administration that broke the law. Which would be a tough thing to do with only a 2 day work week.

Champion Johnson

2008-11-17T20:05:00.001-05:00

Jimmie Johnson just won his 3rd straight NASCAR championship. I know some kids who think the name Jimmie Johnson is hilarious. You know, his first and last names are both aliases for the male genitalia. Makes you wonder if his middle name is Peter, hee-hee. Anyway, I was watching the final race of the season last night whilst pounding Bud pounders waiting for drag racing, my true love, to come on. A thought came to me as they usually do when I’m well lubricated. What if they started one half of the field of cars going clockwise around the track and the other half going counterclockwise at the same time? It would put figure 8 or enduro to shame. Can you imagine two cars each going 180MPH slamming into each other head on? It would be a combined speed of 360MPH, even faster than a top fuel dragster! It would be a race full of cars playing “chicken” with each other and as competitive as these guys are, no one would back down. The winner (and only survivor) would probably be some rookie trying his best to avoid everyone else. There would be no more three time champions like Jimmie Johnson. The ratings would be huge.

My Sore Foot

2008-11-15T11:03:00.003-05:00

Oh my little droogies, here I am in bed with a very sore and swollen foot, a possible case of “arthritic sepsis” or something they tell me. But I am poppin’ the ole pills! Yessa! And as is usual with something like this, my pain and suffering will be your education/entertainment/salvation since I’m working up an inflamed blog just for you, my faithful worshippers! God, does life get any better?

I know you are just bursting at the seams wondering my take on the recent presidential elections. We are going to have a black dude as president! Actually, I couldn’t care less about what f’n color he is just so long as he isn’t the pallid grayish white of the current holder of the office. And let me go on record saying that the developmentally disabled dipshit that has been our president for almost 8 long, torturous (in more ways than one) years is the worst one ever. EVER! Boy, I’m going out on a limb with that one, huh?

Actually, I feel sorry for Mr. Obama. He is getting handed a real steaming pile of stinking shit to deal with. I don’t envy him at all. Good luck. Oh, and one other observation – Mrs. Obama will be the hottest first lady of all time, supplanting Jackie-O for the honor in my humble opinion. Little Wheelgun stands right at attention just thinking about it.

And speaking of those with vaginas, Sarah Palin just won’t go away. She is positioning herself (down, little Wheelgun, down!) to run for president in 4 years, assuming she knows that presidents serve for four years at a time. And the neocon-jobbers are lovin’ it since Sarah, just like Bush (the current president, not the pubic hair), is a dim incurious tabula rasa that they can attach their puppet strings to. And she is of course a fundamentalist Christian (gullible moron) which helps their cause as well. And there are a lot of Joe the fucking six-pack Nascar Walmart plumbers around to fall for it come election time.

Shit, my foot hurts! And what really sucks is that I had started going back to the gym (chicks take note) to start sculpting my Adonis like physique back to it’s studly self. Now I must lie in bed blobbing out until such time as I can walk, let alone pump massive iron. Maybe I will contact Jose Conseco and see if he can get me some of the juice so I can short-circuit the process somewhat. I hear he’s in Mexico looking for his lost manhood.

Now, I wonder who would win in an IQ contest between Jose, Sarah Palin and George Bush? Actually their combined IQs might make a sea-monkey a bit jealous.

How Are Your Chads Hanging?

2008-11-03T21:38:00.002-05:00

For those of you planning on staying home tomorrow getting drunk and rubbing one out instead of voting, consider this from my pal Marc:

What will I be doing on Election day? I will spend most of the day at home, and I will not be going to work. Why? Because I live in Russia, and in Russia, it's a holiday. That's right, over here in the EVIL EMPIRE they get our election day off, but Americans have to juggle going to work, driving the kids around, and going to the poles. Voting becomes another thing on our already long to do list. In Russia it happens to be: "Day of National Unity."

Every year it is said that such a small percentage of Americans vote, and it's some sort of shame, but every year voting just gets harder, not easier. Have you been erased from the rolls? Will you have to fight for the right that men and women have died so that you can have? Do you have the proper ID if your state requires it, do you have to lie up at the booth and then again to get your vote into the computerized reader? Did you successfully fill in the ballot? Are you chads hanging?

Every year some or other wack-o proposes the following crazy idea of solving the problem, this year I am that wack-o. Election day should be a national holiday. This will leave everyone plenty of time to vote, and stand in line if necessary, and defend their rights, and even jump through the hoops required. Then celebrate this right! Have parties, make pumpkin pies out of old halloween pumpkins, help those who can't easily get out to vote do that. Volunteer at the poles, most election workers are retirees, because only they have that day to volunteer. It makes more sense in every way. For those who think adding one more holiday to the calendar is not good, we can take one away, Presidents Day for example, isn't it more important to elect a President then go shopping for a car? And with that rhetorical question I think I just hit on something, some would say the answer is NO, especially if your job is selling cars. The fact is the people in charge of creating this voting holiday are the same people who it may not benefit.

I'm not talking about Republicans OR Democrats, I'm taking about Republicans AND Democrats. The people in power make the election rules, and they aren't about to do something that's not in their own interest. More turn out at the poles would change the fragile balance of the American political system. What would it do, I don't think that anyone can really tell, but what is for sure is a lot of people who ordinarily don't vote would vote, and it wouldn't be 51/49 anymore. Some people would say SHHHH... you don't really want those people voting anyway, they'll vote against your interests. I give Americans more credit, I think that it could open the door to a third party, more independent candidates, and all sorts of new opportunities in democracy. As I said I am writing this from Russia. Where they get their election day off, as well as ours. They have a one party majority, we have just one more choice. Here in Moscow, the Moscow Times reported a quote from the Chechen president on the eve of his re-election saying "I expected very high turn out, 100% maybe even more." We can easily look at their one party majority that they have carved for themselves and say that it's unfair, but honestly our two party system is just one step away from that. I believe a national holiday for elections can help save our democracy. Making the day a holiday will give it the reverence we need to really teach civic responsibility, the importance of the vote and voter education.

Also it will up turn out on non Presidential or Congressional election years. These are the times when people who try to slip the crookedest ballot legislation past us, once again low turn out give them their power to do this. And like any other holiday we can gather with family and friends, or we can go out drinking, or it would be a great day for football, of course it's too early to make for a bowl game for the day, but and election day double header would be a very American way to celebrate such a day. Lets face it, our fall holidays as they are now kinda suck. There's Thanksgiving, also known as get in a fight with your drunk uncle day, and Halloween which is fine if you're a kid, or your an adult who wants to dress as a Nazi or prostitute one day a year, but it's not a real celebration of anything, just an excuse to eat candy or get drunk.

Where will I be on election day? I'll be in bed. Maybe I'll wonder if my absentee ballot was ever received maybe not, and most likely I won't even get the results until the next day. So when you're rushing around trying to get everything done and somehow vote, or if you're like millions of Americans who intend to vote but just don't do it because there not enough time, remember me being oppressed over here in the pseudo-democracy with all the time in the world on November 4th.

For your info, Marc, my chads are hanging low. I also intend to vote tomorrow come hell or high water.