Weather Predicting Rodentia

Today is Ground Hog's Day! Whoop-dee-fucking-doo! What it means is that if this stupid ground hog in Pennsylvania sees it's shadow we are in for 6 more weeks of hideous winter. It's a pretty silly ritual really. Some dope in a top hat takes out this fat, furry, sleepy rodent named "Punxsutawney Phil" and shows him to a crowd of reporters. They could have at least alliterated his name so he could be "Punxsutawney Pete" or "Punxsutawney Pecker Head."

I have thought of a few other ways to make this dumb ceremony more fun:

Have about 12 clowns come piling out of Phil's little den before he does.

Dress Phil up in a funny costume. Like as a gay guy for example. Can you imagine how funny it would be to see this furry rodent in miniature ass-less chaps and a leather cap? Or he could come out dressed as a pimp and have a couple female ground hogs dressed as hookers with him.

Toss a stun grenade into his den and then after it goes of, pull Phil out all shaking and bleeding from his ears.

Get Pedro's midget to stand in for the rodent.

Get a big vicious dog to rip Phil out of the guy's arms just after extrication and run off with him. This would be doubly hilarious if Phil was Pedro's midget.

Have the guy in the hat lateral Phil to Terrell Owens. Then watch as the Patriots defense snaps Terrell's other ankle.

The obvious one - instead of a doofus in a hat, get a great looking chick to haul Phil out. Preferably a topless chick. Can you see Phil waking up and seeing these two big, scrumptious breasts dangling in front of him after having been asleep for 4 months? Then he muckles on to a nipple and won't let go. The scene would be great. I can almost see the caption on the AP photo - "Great looking beaver with fat ground hog hanging from tit."

Shoot the little fucker out of a cannon.

No matter what happens, I will be keeping an especially close eye on The Cod God today. Knowing him, he might be planning on sneaking down to Punxsutawney, PA. with a bottle of vodka and his trusty pellet gun.