Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Johnny Won't Be Down For Breakfast Anymore

He's a question - Do you really think Ed McMahon thought Johnny Carson was ever that funny? Carson just assumed room temperature recently. As a chronic insomniac when I was younger, I probably watched him a thousand times or more. He was good but always seemed bored. I would be too if I had to interview Angie Dickinson for the 150th time. At least he didn't have to interview Totie Fields, who lost her legs to diabetes, a million times like Merv did or have weird little Mason Reese as a co-host for a whole week like Mike Douglas did. Man those were the days. Makes me feel old.

And boy do I look old. I made the mistake of looking into the mirror today. Yikes! I look like some old crazed homeless guy. I think I have aged 20 years in the last 5. I guess hard livin will do that to you. Or in my case, too many Little Debbie snack cakes and beer. And Have you noticed how much older our vacuous president looks lately? Too much lying. The only president who didn't age so obviously while in office was Clinton. That's because he was getting his crooked little willie nibbled on a regular basis. That'll keep you young even if you are a festering liar.

I was in the tonight show audience once when I was visiting a friend out west. The two things I remember most were how small the place seemed in real life and how goddamned badly I had to piss from drinking so many beers beforehand. I also remember the Tonight Show band being really good.

I don't watch any talk shows anymore. They're all lame as shit. Maybe I will come up with a proposal for my own talk show and submit it to some cable channel. It would be like the Howard Stern show except smart and funny. Maybe the tag line would be "thought provoking filth." And I would have weird little co-hosts like Mason Reece. Hey, I could get Pedro's midget! Does anyone know how to get a hold of him (I mean besides by the scruff of the neck)?


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