Federal Budgerigar

President Obama just submitted a federal budget that includes some cuts, but not enough to satisfy the blood thirsty teabaggers. My prodigious knowledge of economics belies the fact that I do not have a degree in the field but, degree or not, I will offer some advice to lawmakers on what they can safely slash from the budget. And some ideas to raise revenue.

Social Security

Raise the retirement age for women to at least 75 years since on average they out live men.

Defense

Cut the Pentagon budget by first cutting the Pentagon itself, making it the Quadragon. You could also make defense a for profit venture. Whenever we invade a country, make sure we pillage and plunder sufficiently to cover costs and then get sponsorships to turn the profit. “The Iraq War brought to you by Home Depot and Massengale Disposable Douches!” Put ads on the sides of warships, Humvees, helicopters, etc. Have all the apparel sponsored by Nike, Fruit Of The Loom and other clothing manufacturers. Have the MREs sponsored by White Castle or Burger King.

Healthcare

Require that all Senators and Congressmen/women relinquish their government sponsored healthcare. Those fuckers are all rich so they can afford their own healthcare. Preventive medicine – in order to get any government assistance you must get a high colonic administered every month by a lawmaker. Remember, the key to health is a healthy colon. Start death panels – Now we all know that Sarah Palin made the idea of “death panels” up to scare people but I say it’s a good idea. Besides, old people smell funny and are boring.

Huge mother fucking yard sale

Choose a Sunday and put all but the absolutely essential government property out for sale. Airforce 2, decommissioned subs, the space shuttles, SR-71s, furniture, paper clips, most of the Library of Congress, Area 51, all memorials, vehicles, etc. Sell the whole of Washington DC to Maryland. Sell the wildlife in the national parks to cat food companies and Chinese restaurants.

Shit, we would be running surpluses again in no time!