The Long And Short Of It

I spend about two hours a day in my car. Commuting to work sucks. And I work second shift which means I have to find a way to stay awake on the ride home. Masturbating is a bit difficult especially if you have a big rig and drive a small car like I do. So I listen to the radio. This may come as a shock to you but there is nothing good on the damned radio these days! Here are the options: Classic rock, "Alternative" rock, oldies, NPR, right wing talk radio, sports talk radio.

Classic rock you can hear AC/DC, Bob Seeger, Zepplin, Sabbath etc. Most of the songs they play I would be happy to die having never heard again. And I never listened to that shit when I was a teenager like everyone else did so I don't associate any good-time memories with it. I was busy listening to 50's Rock 'n Roll like a weirdo.

"Alternative" rock just means a bunch of fucking horrible bands with lead singers trying to sound like Eddie Vedder. God, it's like fingernails on a chalkboard every time I hear that way of singing. Makes me want to haul out any one of my two dozen guns and off myself. Or preferably off Eddie Veddar. Maybe I can lend my double barrel 12 gauge to Courtney Love and have her pull another assisted suicide, this time on Eddie.

Oldies is the usual 60's and 70's crappola like the Stones, Beatles, The Supremes - you know the stuff that might have been good the first 20,000 times you heard it. Case in point: The Who. Great band. Why not play "They Call Me Lightning" or something equally less beaten to death instead of "Pinball Wizard"? Shit, The Who must of recorded about a thousand songs. But you hear the same 3 or 4 on the oldies stations all the time.

Now the staid NPR is good for a while. But sometimes I just want to hate fuck Terry Gross for her breathlessly inane questions or scream at the mention of Rwanda. Plus no matter what they say, they don't "consider all things." When have they ever done a piece on fisting?

Ubiquitous Right wing talk radio used to be entertaining during the days of Bill Clinton. Now they are just part of some scary Stalinist-like government propaganda machine. Listening to Sean Hannity or Rush Dimbulb felating George Bush and swallowing his neocon agenda makes me wonder if somewhere in North Korea there isn't a similar radio program humping Kim Jong Ill. Conservative talk radio ain't conservative anymore.

Ah, and then there's sports talk radio. We have WEEI in these here parts. I listen to them quite a bit. They just aren't as much fun now that The Red Sox and Patriots rule the world. The "whiner line" isn't quite as funny. Don't get me wrong. That's OK.

So what should I do? Radio blows dog, and the tape player's broke. So I thought - How about getting satellite radio? The good thing about Sirius satellite radio is that they carry Little Steven's Underground Garage Show. Now I would listen to that! Off to Best Buy!

I'm at Best Buy looking at the satellite radio display. A sales doofus came up to me and wanted to know if I had any questions. Within twenty seconds I had exhausted all his answers. He said "Uh, dude, like let me get someone who knows a little more about this." That could have been just about anyone. A minute later, while still concentrating on the display, I heard someone ask "can I help you?" I turned around and saw nobody. Then I looked down. A midget! Or more accurately, a dwarf was standing next to me. Although slightly taken a back, I formed some semi-coherent questions that he answered with accuracy and confidence. He knew his shit.

I decided to put off my purchase of satillite radio for the time being. It's expensive. I don't need another monthly bill. But I did say to the little fellow assisting me "for god's sake man, stay the fuck away from Pedro Martinez!"