Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Night Of The Long Piss

Sorry to dump on you guys again. I'm just really angry and depressed. And blogging is cheaper than therapy. So let me tell you about my last 24 hours.

Of course a Nor'Easter blew in last night while I was at work. I think about the last 15 fucking snow storms have blown in just in time for me to drive home in them. But this one was the worst by far.

Down here in lovely Beverly Mass it was a howling white out when I got out of work at midnight. I barely made it across the parking lot to get in my piece-of-shit car. The snow/sleet was blowing horizontally so hard that it filled my left ear. Once in my car, I started it up and cranked up the heat. Only the heat didn't come on. The blower was busted. I checked the fuses and even pulled out the controls to see if a wire was loose but that wasn't the case.

I scraped the snow and ice off the car and decided to try to drive home. I got as far as the front gate of the parking lot (1/4 mile). The windshield was icing way too fast for the wipers to handle and the inside was fogging up with everybreath I took. I couldn't see a damned thing. So I went back. What to do? Nothing. I wouldn't have made it to the nearest motel.

The third shift guy either felt sorry for me or he got really sick and tired of me being there and of my sarcastic sense of humor (one of my coping mechanisms) and at about 2:00AM, said "let's get the fuck out of here. I've got goddamned four wheel drive. I'll take you the fuck home." I wasn't going to argue. Glen is ex-military and when he sees a challenge, he won't back down.

Now one of my many ailments is gout. These very painful crystals will form in my joints and it will feel like sheet metal screws and broken glass doing the lambada. If my feet get really cold, and I get dehydrated, I'm almost assured of getting an attack. And I had frozen my feet trying to fix my damned blower. So I started drinking. I had a couple of 20oz cokes to keep myself awake and then I started pounding water. Lots of it.

And when Glen said "let's go!" I went without going to the bathroom first. Oops. My bladder was screaming. But I didn't want to ask Glen to pull over in the middle of this fucking Nor'Easter so I could relieve myself. Plus he thinks I'm enough of a looser as it is. Good thing he drove fast. Normally I would have been scared out of my wits, but I just wanted to piss so fucking bad I didn't care about all the cars off the road. Or the fact he was passing plows in the breakdown lane. Or fishtailing all over the place. I just wanted to piss my brains out! Good god.

Well, I made it home and had the longest piss of my life. I got up early the next AM to find a portable windshield heater. I eventually found one for $60! And the thing's a piece of shit and doesn't really work. I know that because the mini-van I borrowed to get to work in tonight has no fucking heat so I got to try it out.

So I'm tired and pissed-off and depressed. What else is new?


At 11:59 PM, Blogger B-Face said...

You should have whipped it out, thumped it on the dashboard, slapped him in the head with it, honked the horn with it, knocked the tranny into park with it, hung it out onto the windshield and screamed "LOOKIT THIS, YOU JARHEADED FUCKWIT!!! HOW'S THIS FOR A WINDSHIELD WIPER?!?!?! YOU WANNA SEE ME DEFROST YOUR DAMN WINDSHIELD?!?!? HAHAHAHAAHAHHAH!!!!" That's when you relieve yourself. You're happy, he can see better. Everybody wins.

That's what I would have done, anyway.

At 1:38 AM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

Funny you mention it. I almost did just that. Next time I will.

At 1:51 AM, Blogger B-Face said...

And then when the cops pull up, you know what to do (reference the Cod God's blog).
You whip it out, slap it on the....etc.

At 2:37 AM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

I'm costantly referencing The Cod God's blogs. As we all should on a consistant basis constantly. Even more so than referencing the bible or koran or what ever. He does have "God" in his name, after all. Perhaps he should apply for faith-based initiative funding.

At 10:05 AM, Blogger The Cod God said...

Ask and ye shall receive.... booze, broads, and bullets

At 5:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe you need Hillary Swank to heat up your windshield and help you through your miserable days.


At 12:50 AM, Blogger B-Face said...

That Hillary sure is Swank.

At 12:27 PM, Blogger LittleDougyPorkSword said...

Next time..fake an epileptic fit. You can piss yourself, shit your pants, barf, and/or ejaculate...all is forgiven if you are having an epileptic fit.


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