Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Hilarity Below The Belt

With nothing better to do last Sunday night, my roomates and I watched "America's Funniest Videos" on TV. That show should be re-entitled "A Bunch Of Videos Of Guys Getting Wailed In The Nuts." I mean, there must of been about a dozen videos sent in of guys getting nailed in the package with balls, bats, door knobs, broomsticks, remote controlled airplanes, fruits, etc. It's always outrageously amusing when some poor bastard gets pegged in the jimmies. Odd thing though, I have never laughed when it's happened to me. Probably due to the pain, I would guess. After seeing that show, I will make it a point to protect my junk with my hands whenever there is a video camera in the room.

The funniest scenario ever of force-meets-squishy-bits actually happened to me many years ago. It's absolutely true. I was trap shooting with my nephews David and Billy. I had the shotgun and David was off to my right by about 15 yards with the hand thrower. I yelled "pull!" and somehow he managed to nail me below the belt with the clay pigeon. I doubled over and fell to my right and, for an instant, the muzzle of the double barrel waved passed David. But I was too busy cupping my wounded manhood to accidentally pull the trigger. I just wish there had been a camera around to record it.

I think what I will do is get my video camera and an accomplice (busy, Cod God?) and stage a series of ball bashings and send them into AFV and maybe win the $10,000 prize. I will fashion a cup out of some durable material and wear it so I won't really be hurt. But I will summon up my best thespian skills and when ever I am assaulted in the nethers, I will yelp like a goosed yak and double over in mock, yet hilarious agony. It'll be great.

Let's see. Gotta come up with some novel testicular tortures. Maybe one could have me standing at the end of a jump ramp used by some kids and their remote control 4X4. I will be yelling something like "get in here you little bastards, it's almost di..." and before I can finish the word "dinner", the RC 4X4 will zoom up the ramp into my awaiting groin. It's somehow always funnier when it's kids who are the nut busting perpetrators.

Another one could be me passed out on the floor after a night of heavy drinking. Maybe even in a puddle of vomit. And the damned kids set up a bunch of toy bowling pins in front of me and roll the bowling ball. It misses the pins and...you guessed it.

Maybe you guys can come up with some ideas. I will split the $10,000 with you.


At 11:01 PM, Blogger baby bulldog said...

well, we once had this chocolate lab who was incredibly hyper, and one time he was waving his tail so hard that ismacked my brother in the balls and he immediately fell to the ground in the snow and i took the opportunity to lock him out of the house. how's that?

At 12:59 AM, Blogger B-Face said...

There's ALWAYS something better to do on a Sunday night than watch that show.

That being said, one time the Cod God and I were on Hampton Beach and we found a semi-spherical rock. Thinking myself as some sort of amateur geologist, I figured it was one of those rocks with crystals in the middle, I think they're called geodes. Of course it was just a piece of granite made smoothe by the ocean. I didn't know that, though, and Colin and I took turns whipping it against a boulder so we could break it open and see the pretty colors. Third try, and BAM, it ricochets right at me and connects with the squishy-bits. I collapse in pain while my brother collapses in laughter. Never did break it open.

I also recall a certain lead singer of a certain band "accidently" kicking a certain bass player in a certain area, but we won't name names.

Oh, the hilarity.

At 1:26 AM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

Any time you have the opportunity to lock your brother out of the house, take it! Especially if he is momentarily preoccupied with a pair of howling onions.

Too bad my brothers are too well armed to lock out of the house. My brother Bill, who is 20 years older than me by the way, would have a joyous time deciding on which of his 50+ guns to use in order to extract his revenge.

At 1:52 AM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

Oh, I forgot to mention, Bill is the father of David and Billy.

At 10:21 AM, Blogger The Cod God said...


We gotta do the spudgun.

I was actaully thinking about soaking some potatoes in gasoline for a few days and then using them. It should do something spectacular.

At 2:34 PM, Blogger B-Face said...

Spectacular, all right. Spectaculary STUPID.

See you in the burn ward, if you live through it.

Stick to piles of black powder.


Post a Comment

<< Home