Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Rewarding Bad Behavior, etc.

“Damn it, Wheelgun, would you just get off your fucking fat ass and write us all a new blog?” Yes, yes, alright. Here it is. And remember, be careful what you ask for…

Isn’t it a riot that we are giving the krazy North Koreans a bunch of oil and money so they will hopefully bust up their nuke program! Hey, you Neo-clowns, isn’t that “rewarding bad behavior”? Isn’t that what Clinton did? Took you fucking Einsteins six years to figure that one out, huh? Are we also going to let Kim Jong Elvis have his cognac back?

Two frequently asked questions I get about the late Anna Nicole Smith I will answer for you now: No, I am not the father of her baby. And no, I would not have sex with her corpse no matter how drunk I was. Now, I have a bunch of questions for you about her. Like, who the hell was she? Why was she famous? She didn’t sing or dance or act, right? Or am I wrong? Wasn’t she just a Playboy bunny who married an old rich guy? Jesus, I gotta visit the doctor’s waiting room more often so I can catch up on my People Magazines.

“Barack Obama!” is not the noise your morning dump made whilst exiting your posterior. Or maybe it is. But it is also the name of a guy running for president. Actually there are a bunch of people and Hillary Clinton running for president. I will endeavor to research them all and report back to you with my learned recommendations. My morning dump’s report, by the way, was “Thurl Ravenscroft!”

Pitchers and catchers report to spring training this Thursday (a sign winter’s almost over? No. Big storm brewing tonight and for the next 24 hours. I will have to drive through it three times to get to work and back starting tonight. That’s going to suck shit). Now we will be able to see Bukkake Matszusaki pitch and see if he was worth $102 million. He must win a minimum of 15-17 games this year or else it’s sayonara.

Blog things to look forward to in the near future:

A new look. I will be revamping this blog because it looks boring. Kinda like its subject matter, now that I think of it. But I will redesign it, put a new picture up, etc. As soon as I can find the time and the desire.

My 48th birthday wish list.

I will be doing a NASCAR preview and picks before the Daytona 500.

A Windows Vista review.

I will devote an entire blog to my new girlfriend Kari Byron of Mythbusters fame (sorry, Hillary Swank).


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