Thursday, October 26, 2006

More Advice For Microsoft

I watch in giddy anticipation for any news concerning the up coming release of the new Windows operating system. I have to, since I’m an IT (Information Technologies for you Luddites) fag. “Vista” will be available sometime in the next decade I’m sure. And it will come in 6, count ‘em 6, versions! From Vista Starter for third world countries to Vista Ultimate for everything from multimedia creation to ass wiping.

Maybe Vista Starter will keep those unwashed immigrants from be-spoiling our great Christian country since they won’t need to come here to surf the web or make resumes. It is an extremely crippled version of Vista though, and you won’t be able to have more than three applications opened at once. Maybe we could use Vista Starter as an incentive by upgrading it for any of the heathenous hordes who convert to Christianity/capitalism. Good idea.

I will now put forth my suggestions for additional versions of Window’s Vista that Microsoft should consider for release. And you know the Redmond, Washington based fuckers will listen to me since I have spent countless dollars training on their buggy products and countless hours trying to fix their crap. Here it goes:

Vista Moron – For the vast majority of people who use computers. An idiot proof version of Windows. You won’t be able to accidentally delete anything because you won’t be able to delete anything period. You also won’t be able to install or uninstall anything. It won’t have a control panel of course. Pop-ups will warn you constantly “What you are about to do is stupid.” It will have a timer that will shut the system down after five minutes, leaving less time to fuck things up. It will have a security system that will lock things down so tight that you will barely be able to use it. Hopefully, most folks using this version will give up on computers and go back to watching Bay Watch re-runs on TV and drinking Yoo-Hoos.

Vistux – Just a Linux distro with the Windows splash screen on it. It would be a brilliant move. It would run better and be far more secure.

Vista Diaper – The perfect operating system for kids. They won’t be able to break it. It will only go to one web site,, and run only the simplest games. It will only take limited mouse commands and won’t shut down even if some little prick holds down the power button for an hour. Oh, and the CD player won’t open so The Cod God’s kids can’t break it.

Vista Fista – An OS for those of us into porn. Aside from having all icons shaped like sex organs, it would support huge flat panel monitors at enormous resolutions. A tabbed browser will be included so you can easily switch between any number of perversions like fisting, bukake, water sports or what ever else gets you off. Optimized for only the fastest broadband connections, the whole operating system will reinstall itself from an image in flash memory after every time it is shut down and restarted. This is because even in the time it takes for you to snap one off, your system gets all mucked up with trojans and spyware when surfing porn. Plus you wouldn't want to have potentially embarrassing/illegal things saved on your hard drive, would you? Vibrating input devices and RSTP (Remote Sex Toy Protocol) will be supported.

Vista Art Fag – Designed to woo the Mac user. It will look even more like OS 10 than the Aero desktop that comes with Vista. It will have all the widgets and shit that give Apple aficionados their little chubbies. It would support the most gigantic hard drives so users will have plenty of space for their Nitzer Ebb or Smiths MP3s.

Vista Babe – For hot chicks. It’s look will be all pink and frilly and have, preinstalled, all the latest instant messaging and other communication crap available ‘cause girls love to gab. And there will be random pop-ups instructing users to immediately suck their husband/boyfriend’s dicks or for users to place their ankles behind their ears. This OS will be optimized for secure online shopping and the IE home page will be set to Victoria’s Secret.

Vista ME – Vista Millenial Edition. Since Vista probably won’t come out until the year 3000 anyway and will blow dog just like Windows ME did.

I'll bet you Bill Gates is happy as shit that I have started up my blogs again too!


At 3:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are now marked for termination by the Vista Hit Squad....


At 4:05 PM, Blogger LittleDougyPorkSword said...

Bob is not of the body...he must be destroyed.


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