Musings on the MLB All-Star Game

There is just way too much ceremony and bullshit surrounding the all-star game. They should just run down the line-ups and start playing the game promptly at 8. I like tradition and seeing the old ball players and all but things are taken to extremes. They went and disconnected poor 88 year old Stan Musial from his life support and wheeled him out in order for him to hand the first pitch baseball to the president of The United States. I’m sure the poor old Hall Of Famer would rather have been back at the home getting his daily enema.

President Obama by the way, throws like a girl or, even worse, like Johnny Damon. But he is a left hander and could probably catch on with a team as a lefty specialist, perhaps with the Nationals. Would his catcher need a teleprompter?

Instead of waterboarding terror suspects, why not force them to listen to Tim McCarver for an inning or two? I would give up anything just to get him to stop. Before I turned the sound off on the TV, I was about to confess to everything including the murder of Paul McCartney.

Jonathan Papelbon came one great catch away from blowing the game for the AL. But he got the win. The whole win rule in baseball is stupid. Just because you happen to have pitched the inning that your team goes ahead for good in, you get the win. Even if you give up 13 runs and have blown the win for the starter. I wish life was like that. You could get a win despite fucking everything up for everyone else.

Too many goddamned commercials – standard complaint, I know. I would just switch over to “Deadliest Catch” during the breaks. Did you know those crab fishing guys are nuts? They make the long dollar, though. But not as long a dollar as AL all-star starter Roy Halladay will make on his next contract. If I had been the AL all-star manger, I would have started Tim Wakefield instead of Halladay, who gave up a couple runs. Those NL guys were so amped up, they would have screwed themselves into the ground swatting at Wakefield’s butterflies.

I hate the singing of God Bless America during the 7th inning stretch. They’ve been doing this since 9/11 for some stupid reason. If it gives you an extra 3 minutes to pound another beer or two, I suppose it’s OK. But do we really have to ask God to bless America all the time? Do you think he sometimes forgets? And what about other countries? Let’s ask him to bless Uzbekistan occasionally.

And what was with the giant American flag that covered almost the whole field? I thought MLB was trying to make baseball more of an international sport these days. Does the fact that we have enormous flags make us a great country? Just because I have an enormous penis doesn’t make me a great guy.

How much do you suppose the flyover of the stealth bomber cost? And why a stealth bomber? Why not the usual group of F-15 fighters? Are we trying to send a message to the world? And what would that message be? Did you know that those planes literally cost more than their weight in gold? I would rather see a flyover by an old bi-plane with a wing walker. Or perhaps you could put Stan Musial on the wing with his walker.