Monday, May 11, 2009

Your Concerns Addressed

Ok, ok, you all have been pestering me so much lately that I am forced to address your concerns. Yeesh.

#1 Swine flu. Since I am so learned and worldly you always come to me with these life or death questions. How to protect yourself from swine flu? First off, I would avoid any pig fucking whatsoever. Secondly, cook your bacon thoroughly. It always tastes better crispy anyway.

#2 Obama's 1st 100 days. Doesn't seemed to have caused too much damage and it's too early to tell if he has any hope of cleaning up the disaster of the last 8 years. I'm already sick of hearing him talk but at least he can talk.

#3 Gay marriage. I would marry a lesbian if she wanted to have sex with me.

#4 The whole A-Rod thing. "Bitch Tits" was his nickname because the 'roids gave him female like breasts. What a riot. Can't wait until he shows up at Fenway. Think he would autograph my manzier? Do you suppose Madonna was taken aback when she realized her clitoris was a lot bigger than A-Rod’s rod? Actually, that’s not saying a lot. Ron Jeremy would be jealous of Madogna’s giant man in the ship. But A-Rod is probably now hung like a bull pygmy marmoset. Let’s call him “A-Clit” from now on.

#5 The new Trek movie. Of course I'm going to watch it. As a youth, watching Uhura in her micro-mini filled up my spank bank well before I even realized I had a spank bank. Can’t wait to see the hottie who plays the new Uhura. Hey, I wonder if Sulu will still be gay?

#7 (Wo)manny Ramirez. Shit, worse than ‘ole Bitch Tits. He was taking some female hormones to jump start his testicles after a ‘roid cycle. Do you think he grew a womb? Maybe he and A-Rod can get together for a nice cup of chamomile tea and a Jane Quinn Medicine Woman marathon on T.V. Hell, between the two of them, you would have a pretty decent woman. Personally, I would rather wash out in the minor leagues than fuck around with whatever performance “enhancing” drugs those idiots fucked around with. I would bet their “performance” ain’t so great these days. I might not be able to hit 50 home runs but at least I can still fire one off when the occasion demands it. Maybe not off the green monster or into the seats at Yankee Stadium, but a respectable distance none-the-less.

#8 Hubble. NASA is sending a shuttle mission to tune up the Hubble space telescope. Maybe adjust its air/fuel mixture a tad. As always, I would suggest keeping an eye out for pesky aliens who might not want us to gaze further into the universe. Make sure our astronauts are well armed! Bring some street sweepers and AK-47s at least. And if you see Uhura up there, bring her to me.


At 3:26 PM, Blogger The Cod God said...

At least you got your hog back.


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