The Yankees Finally Have A Big Johnson

The Damned Yankees are now going to be able to haul out their Big Unit once every five days. I haul mine out every 5 minutes if I have enough beer in me. Which is quite often. Anyway, we have lard-ass David Wells to haul out every five days. One might suspect he has a sizable unit himself the way he has to adjust his cup after every pitch. Maybe he's just trying to save his tadger from drowning in a roll of fat. I should talk. I used to hate to wear a cup. It really hurt when one of my squishy bits would get squashed under the edge. Good thing I never played sports. Just liked wearing the cup. Gave me a bulge. Speaking of my package, I have re-named my junk "Blue Man Group." I haven't gotten laid in eons. Perhaps you think being fat, disgusting and generally unpleasant to be around has something to do with it. Not so! It's just that I'm not rich.

Rich is what Randy Johnson is going to be. Monitarily but not soulfully. Fuck, he's playing for the Evil Empire for chrissakes! I bet you all the ingrown hairs on Joe Torre's back that the first back to back shitty starts he has and he will wish he was playing for Tampa Bay. What the fuck are these idiots thinking? Take Pedro...please. I mean take Pedro for example. He left a city where he could do no wrong, show up late all the time, go home to the Dominican when he felt like it and bring circus freaks into the club house. Now he will be in a city were at least half the population hates his guts. And it didn't help that he dropped ugly with and face planted beloved Yank bench coach and septuagenarian idiot Don "The Gerbil" Zimmer during last year's ALCS. The mayor even called him a "punk." And for what? A few measly million more scheckles? Man, he puts together a string of bad starts and watch out! Maybe he went to The Mets because of Piazza. Not because he is a better catcher than Big V, which he sure as hell ain't, but for a little butt lovin'.

The Big Unit will get plenty of man love himself in the Yankee club house, what with Jeter and A-"small" Rod prancing about. And Giambi too if he ever gets over his case of the worms. Remember kids "worms = no play." Too bad The Gerbil's not around anymore to offer up his hemorrhoid festooned stink button to the new arrival. He's too busy givin' it up for Lou Panella these days.

Maybe Randy, A-Rod, Jeter, Pedro and Piazza can get together some time when both teams are in town. Pedro could bring in a bunch of his midgets to re-enact the legendary "Andre The Giant vs. A Lot Of Midgets" fracas. Hell, Johnson's about 6'11". Then when it was done, they could all settle in for some chamomile tea and watch the Jane Quinn Medicine Woman marathon on TV.