Monday, June 06, 2005

CRT vs. Smith & Wesson

I was up late the other night flipping channels. Can someone please tell me what's funny about Seinfeld? I saw about five minutes of an episode (which brings my life time Seinfeld viewing total to about 7 minutes) and there was nothing funny or interesting about it. And then there is that really annoying bass music. I ended up watching a movie on the Sci-Fi channel. It's usually that, or the Discovery channel or the History channel. Why the hell do I spend so much money on cable TV? And how come there is no titty channel with basic cable? What's more basic than sex?

You know what one of my ambitions is? To shoot a TV. Really. Not as a political gesture, but just for the hell of it. Now, I have shot TVs in the gravel pit before but I want to shoot a TV that's on in a room just like Elvis did. I would be lying on a couch with a beer in one hand and the clicker in the other just flippin channels like I do. Resting comfortably yet menacingly on the table next to the couch would be my trusty S & Wesson .357 magnum. [Jesus, do you know how annoying it is to try and write a blog with a damned beeper going off every 15 seconds? Our network is experiencing a lot of traffic so our shitty network monitoring program keeps beeping me. Good thing I don't have my .357 with me here at work!]

You might ask why I would choose my dainty .357 magnum to shoot a TV over, say, my .44 magnum or even the mighty Contender. Well it's because I suspect the .357 would probably get the job done. And get it done without blowing the fucking living room windows out. Shit, I've got a shell loader set up in the basement, so I might just load up some special TV shooting cartridges now that I think of it. Might even load 'em up with black powder so the living room is all smoky and stinky after I assault the boob tube.

So Seinfeld better watch out.

10 Comments:

At 2:28 AM, Blogger B-Face said...

Seinfeld has never even made me smirk, let alone laugh. All it does is illustrate, in hard day-glo colors, how fucking stupid people are and how they flock like sheep to whatever they are told is quality. Besides, that annoying as hell bass noise is actually done on a synthesizer. It's not even a real bass. That's criminal.
As far as your shooting a tv, I say do it with your .38. A .357 is far from "dainty", but is still more than you need for what is essentially a box of glass, plastic, and components. Hell, use the Luger. You could even shoot Hogan with it while he was onscreen. That's the wonder of cable. Reruns.

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger Allyon said...

Yeah, what he said - use the Luger!

 
At 8:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

12 G. shotgun w/buckshot should do the trick. Your neighbors will be picking phosphorescense and itty bitty doodads off their lawns for years to come....

 
At 3:19 PM, Blogger Erin Nicole said...

seinfeld makes me nauseous...i just thought it was b/c i'm a girl. guess not.

 
At 10:21 PM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

Is Seinfeld considered more of a guy's show? I just remember working in a bakery with all women when the last episode aired. It's all they talked about for days. Of course the women there were, to say the least, unusual. As well as raging babes.

 
At 10:28 PM, Blogger Erin Nicole said...

most guys i know love it...most girls i know hate it. i just started associating gender with the show.

 
At 11:22 PM, Blogger B-Face said...

Most over-rated show ever. Everyone loved it not because it was actually good or funny, but because everyone else loved it.

Gimme "Becker" or "All in the Family" any day.

"WKRP" was good too, but I was young.

Anyone mentions liking "Frasier" and you'll be wearing your ass as a hat.

 
At 2:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

DUDE, I remember that show! There was this one wicked cool character called "Venus Flytrap".


If I'm thinking of a different show, it's because I was like three or four when I used to watched it.

 
At 3:05 AM, Blogger B-Face said...

No, you're right-on brother. Venus was a smooth operator with a penchant for the finer things in life and a velvet vocal to float over the airwaves and gently reel the ladies into his, uh.....what are venus flytraps kept in, flowerpots? Well anyway, I identify (or is it commiserate?) more with Dr. Johnny Fever. While Venus Flytrap was romancing a divorcee and trying to steer her kid onto the right track and away from gangs, Fever was laying in the dark on a gurney in a hospital (he was visiting, not a patient), wearing '70's cop-shades, a pimp moustache, and sucking down an unnamed gas on a facemask he shanghaied from the nurses and singing Buddy Holly's "Peggy Sue."
You tell me who is cooler.

 
At 1:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looking like Huggy Bear while doing ether in a hopital is way cooler than trying to keep some nitwit kid from joining a gang so you can do his mom.

You're right, Fever's cooler.

(Is it just me, or does "Fever's cooler" sound like a really bad pun?)

 

Post a Comment

<< Home