Friday, March 02, 2007

Astronomical Event

There is going to be a lunar eclipse tomorrow. I have always worried about these things (even more so about solar eclipses). The aliens could be out there waiting to attack and this could provide them needed cover. Keep a goddamned hairy eyeball out for anything unusual, all of you. And make sure you can defend yourselves! If you don’t have a gun, go out and buy one. It could mean the difference between a successful invasion and a thwarted one. If you happen to fill the supreme leader alien up with lead, the others will turn tail (or whatever they have on their backsides) and run (or how ever they ambulate).

I’m planning on walking around with my trusty S&Wesson .357 magnum on my hip (note to C.G. - I will be over to pick it up tomorrow). Should get the job done. If not, I will have my .45-70 Contender close by. But I don’t suspect the aliens will be very big or strong. And, although this might sound a bit silly, I will be wearing a baseball cap lined with aluminum foil so their mind control won’t be able to effect me. And I will keep my thoughts simple and focused. Like George Bush’s thoughts but with the addition of the focused part.

As another precaution, I have will be wearing a CD a on a string around my neck to deflect any tractor beams. Don’t want to be hauled on board no flying saucer! I prefer to wait until my next physical for an anal probe, thank you.

And I have set up my band’s PA system on my breezeway in hopes of using sound to repel any potential invading green hordes. Through research, I have determined that most aliens dislike 80s hair metal so I will have my Camarojuana record playing at sound detecting proboscis splitting levels.

You may find this a bit much, but I have dug 15 holes around my yard and placed in each a pipe filled with tightly packed gun powder (FFg) wired to a central firing mechanism on the breezeway. On top of each pipe I poured about a pound of double-aught buck. Shit, you should have seen my nosy neighbors when I did this! I told them I was setting traps for the squirrels. I’m not sure they bought it. But they will surely thank me when I blow up an alien spacecraft bent on zapping our houses into ashes.

Unless you’re the kind who looks forward to performing slave labor on alien worlds, I suggest all of you take similar steps to protect mankind. And, weather permitting, enjoy the lunar eclipse!


At 9:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you sure about the Camerojuana? I haven't heard of them, but in the movie, Mars Attacks the aliens were finally thwarted by some yodelly country music. Their brains exploded all green inside their helmets. Country music has a similar effect on me. That and doo-wop.


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