America's Obesity Problem

I saw what must have been the fattest squirrel of all time today. Holy shit. This fucking rotund rodent looked like it had swallowed a soccer ball for chrissakes. It was so enormous that I almost called the National Guard to make it disperse. If this thing had been human, it would have been on the cover of the Weekly World News and Dick Gregory would have a serious boner.

The corpulent critter was on my breeze way catching it's breath when I opened the door. It reluctantly turned and looked back at me and hesitated before taking off. I'm sure it was thinking "Shit. I don't want to have to run. Fuck. Maybe this human means me on harm." Then it seemed to remember I was related to The Cod God, a.k.a. Scourge Of Squirrels, and it lumbered away. It leapt up about a foot on to a nearby tree and promptly fell off. I burst out into laughter which scared the shit out of the thing. I swear I heard it rip a fart as It waddled across the yard, a confusion of fur and blubber, off into the neighbor's back yard.

Maybe if I have time I will try to dig up some of it's nuts so it won't eat so damned much. Maybe someone should do the same for me.