Heading For The Keys

My god it's fucking cold outside. My nuts shriveled to the size of currants within seconds of walking into that arctic air. My car hates this weather too. It barely starts since it has molasses-like 20w-50 oil in the crank case. At least it doesn't burn as much oil as it did when it had 10W-30.

It's even colder on Saturn's moon Titan where it's about -180 C. Now that's more than just a bit nippley. I wouldn't put my tongue on anything if I were that probe. And hopefully it has 5W-30 in it's crankcase.

I should move back to Washington DC where it's a little warmer. And I would be closer to all the action. One more day until Dick Cheney and his trained monkey have their inauguration. And how come I wasn't invited? Afraid I would drink all the booze? Maybe I can still get my band a gig at one of the balls. I will e-mail senator/racist/party planner Trent Lott and see. I will make up a band name that he might appreciate so as to increase our chances of getting a spot on the entertainment roster. Like "Out To Lynch."

Hey, do you suppose Lott is in contact with Martha Stewart about planning and setting up the bash? I mean isn't that what she did? I was never altogether sure what the hell it was she did. But I know what she's doing now- no doubt she's pretty busy these days avoiding getting worked over by hulking fellow inmates with strap-ons.

And I hope it's cold and snowy next weekend when The Patriots haul out their strap-ons and punish the Steelers. Maybe Martha Stewart will be the inmate on the lawn tractor that clears the field of snow so Adam Vinatelia can kick his game winning FG.

Rumor has it that my nephew B-Face is going to be the starting QB for Pittsburgh in place of that rookie. Hey, B-Face, just keep thinking to yourself "At least I'm smarter than Terry Bradshaw." Of course I've known some developmentally disabled rocks that think the same thing. Good luck, B-Face, you'll need it!

Well, I'd better go warm up 'cause my penis just informed me that it's packing it's bag and heading for The Keys.