Thursday, October 27, 2005

Another Possible New Career For Wheel Gun Bob

Just got home from work. What a shitty night. So busy, I didn’t even have 5 lousy minutes to vomit up a blog for the benefit of you, my rabidly loyal fans, until now.

I need a new career, goddammit! Maybe I should try my hand at writing children's books. Everyone seems to be doing it these days from power hungry whores like Hillary Clinton to moral degenerate bullies like Bill O'Reilly. So why not me?

Remember The Story Of Ferdinand The Bull? It was about a pacifist bull that refused to fight and would rather sit under a tree just smelling flowers. What kind of lesson is that to kids? What fucking hippie mother would let little Johnny read that kind of crap? So I thought of writing "The Story Of Ferdinand The Neocon Bull." It will be about a bull that fucks up anyone he thinks could possibly attack him. Pre-emptive goring, as it were. And he will never smell any goddamned flowers since that’s just an invitation for an attack.

Let me lay some other ideas on you, see what you think -

Bert And Ernie Get Gay Bowel Syndrome- Hey kids, don't be afraid of proctologists! Sesame St's favorite butt slammin' puppets tell a heart warming story of love, sickness and trusting doctors.

The Teletubbies Visit Rehab - Lets face it, you gotta be constantly high on something to watch those weird little fuckers. Drug education and awareness.

Where The Wild Things Are And How To Kill Them And Eat Them - An introduction to respecting nature and big game hunting for little kids. [Note to self: see if the Motor City Mad Man will co-author]

James And The Giant Crap - James gets wicked constipated and finally is able to move his bowels by eating lots of peaches and other fruits. Promotes healthy eating.

Gut Shot Elmo - Poor little Elmo strays from the safe confines of Sesame St. and gets caught in the crossfire of a gang banging. Kids will learn to stay close to home.

Barney vs. The Velociraptor - Barney is far too nice and trusting. He pays for it when he gets eviscerated by a fellow Jurassic dweller. Teaches kids to avoid strangers, especially ones with long toenails.

Little Black Sambo's Revenge - Remember those racist kids books from back in the day when it was OK to belittle African Americans? Well in this story, Sambo grows up and extracts his revenge by purchasing a Tech 9 at a gun show and filling the air with lead at an Aryan Nation parade. Kids will learn racial tolerance.

Curious George And The Meth Lab - The Man In The Yellow Hat is on disability and is drinking himself to death so George has to be the bread winner. But holding down three jobs is wearing him out. Until he builds himself a meth lab. Then he can work 24/7/365 without getting tried. Of course, he blows himself up and gets burned over 90% of his body, goes to the hospital, hi-jinks ensue, etc. Promotes responsibility and hard work.

Horton Hears The Who - Horton gets coked up and goes to a Who concert. Teaches music appreciation.

The Little Engine That Said “Fuck That Shit!” - This will help kids learn to know their limits.

Go Dog, Go On Your Neighbor's Lawn - Teaches kids responsibility through taking care of a pet. And ways to avoid having to clean up it’s shit.

Where's Waldo? - If He Was Up Your Butt You'd Know - Stimulate your child's mind with potty humor.

Winnie-The-Pooh: Piglet's My Bitch - Teaches kids tolerance for alternative lifestyles such as sadomasochism.

The Runaway Bunny Gets Sold Into Prostitution - Kids will never, ever want to runway from home again after reading this.

I could go on. And I might. But not right now.


At 1:46 PM, Blogger LittleDougyPorkSword said...

Brilliant! If you need an illustrator...I'm your man. One change though...How about "Where's Dildo?".

At 1:29 AM, Blogger B-Face said...

That would be a no-brainer. Bob always knows where Dildo is. Let's just say he has a feeling about it.
Short book. One page.


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