Thursday, October 13, 2005

Double Penetration

Apple CEO Steve "Hand" Jobs just announced today that the new IPod will have a tiny LCD screen and will be able to play videos downloaded from ITunes. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. You will be able to get the latest music videos (I hate music videos so much that I will devote an entire blog to them one of these days if you are good) and some TV shows. So here is my question (and yours too, no doubt): What about porn??? It's the only reason I would ever buy the fucker. Actually, I would wait until IRiver or whoever came out with a cheaper version.

It would be great. You could be watching "Sex Starved Fuck Whores #22" or "Tea Bagger Vance" or "Butt Fuck Sluts 3" while standing in line at the grocery store. "Paper or plastic, sir?" "I don't care - check out this double penetration!"

But people will buy it because it looks cool and it’s Apple. Looking cool is important to Mac fags. Doesn’t matter that you have to pay twice as much for Apple shit. Sorry, I’m just lowly un-hip PC scum.

I have a neighbor who is really great despite the fact she works for record companies. She of course has all Mac crap. And they are forever breaking down and costing a fucking mint to fix. Even her IPod has shit the bed twice. I have an equivalent MP3 player I bought for half the price that has been stepped on, dropped about 300 times, has had beer spilled all over it and still performs flawlessly. And her Mac Powerbook is never working. And her Mac desktop got a virus recently (ya, it’s true – it can happen) and she had to pay an ungodly sum of money to have it repaired. I told her to sell all her Mac shit to some unsuspecting little metrosexual, get all PC stuff and I would take care of it for free. Hope she takes me up on it.

Not that I’m a Windows fan per se. I think that the Mac OS 10 operating system is probably better and, surprise, looks cooler than XP. But since only 10% of all software is written for it you’re pretty much fucked if you are a power user.

Ah, who really gives a shit? Time to snap one off and go to bed.

P.S.

Screamin' Jay Hawkins was one crazy-assed mofo. I was listening to a Screamin' Jay CD on the monotonous ride home from work yesterday. Wow. For those of you not familiar, his big hit was "I put A Spell On You" which was supposed to be a love ballad but ole Screamin' Jay and the band got blind drunk and turned it in to a raucous scream fest. Once the song became a hit, he adopted the crazed coffin dwelling persona/voodoo show suggested to him by Rock 'n Roll 'n Payola DJ Alan Freed. That sort of shit was totally unheard of in the 1950's. Drove the Republicans crazy (go, BFace, go!).

Apart from fathering at least 75 children, Screamin' J also penned "Constipation Blues," which ironically makes me laugh so hard I almost shit myself every time I hear it.

Speaking of which, I almost crapped myself with delight the other day when the Yankees lost their series with the Angels. If the Red Sox can't win then goddamit, the next best thing is a Yankee loss.

1 Comments:

At 3:07 PM, Blogger LittleDougyPorkSword said...

Apple sucks. Tell more shit stories.

 

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