Monday, October 17, 2005


After all these tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes and floods all I can think is God is some pissed at us. God of course speaks directly to Republicans so maybe I will ask one of them what’s going on. And, as if there's not enough goddamned shit to worry about, we now have this bird flu. Makes me want to curl up in bed with a fifth of Jack and not leave the house.

One of my main hobbies is worrying. Right behind online porn and ahead of playing guitar. Man, I worry about everything. I worry about the US borrowing too much money from China. I worry about milk's effects on the immune system. I worry about population control. I worry about bills. I worry about our country turning into a Christian theocracy. I worry about oil running out. I worry about living and breathing in a sea of toxic substances. I worry about the future for our children. I worry about Jessica Alba calling the cops on me for sending her 25 love letters a day. I could go on.

I'm not only a glass half-empty kind of guy, I'm a glass half-empty-that-will-surely-fall-on-the-floor-and-break-and-I-will-step-on-it-and-cut-my-foot-and-get-a- life-threatening-infection-and-die kind of guy. Yup, I'm a blast to be around. No wonder the chicks ain't lining up outside my door despite my good looks.

(I just had a sense of deja vu. Did I write this blog before or one very similar? I'm certainly not going to bother to check)

Since I'm so miserable, I will endeavor to change. Here is the list of things I will do:

1. Stop reading the news. I check about two dozen internet news sites a day. All it does is depress me and makes me worry more. From now on, I will just visit sites that feature nekid girls.

2. Get a book written by that bald self-help doofus. After the first page I will probably be so happy I'm not the kind of person that reads that shit that I will forever be Mr. Positive.

3. Get more sea-monkeys. Ah, the healing power of sea monkeys.

4. Stare into a sun lamp for 20min a day while fantasizing about being on a nude beach with Jessica Alba. I actually own a sun lamp. Maybe I will start using it.

5. Get a new goddamned job with normal hours so I can hang with my friends at night. Almost forgot - I don't have friends anymore.

6. Make new friends. Tough to do when you hate people.

7. Go shooting on a regular basis. Somehow the combination of the necessary Zen like clearing of your mind in order to shoot well and the resultant loud explosion and destruction always improves my mood immeasurably.

8. Play guitar more often. Even though I'm in a band, I never pick up my guitar. Good thing I only know three chords. Maybe I can learn more. Are there more than three chords?

9. Drink more. I've been very remiss in this area. I was thinking about it while reading Modern Drunkard Magazine. My god, I think The Codgod has had more to drink than me lately.

10. Get a date with Michelle Wie. A 6 foot tall beautiful athletic 16 year old girl running around in a short skirt. Good god. OK, I will wait a couple years. Maybe Jesica Alba will come around soon.

I would like some input from you, my faithful readers so feel free to send suggestions. It's cheaper than therapy or electro shock.


At 4:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who's Jessica Alba?

At 8:17 PM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

She was that chick in "Dark Angel."

At 11:56 AM, Blogger LittleDougyPorkSword said...

We really need to clone her soon.

At 6:07 PM, Blogger Allyon said...

Go with the sea monkeys. Nothing more inspiring than brine shrimp, circle of life and all that.


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