Saturday, August 11, 2007

Pre-Season Footbore

It looks like it might be clear tonight. If it is, be sure to check out the Presied meteor showers. No doubt you expect me now to launch into one of my half cocked rants about possible alien activity during astronomical events. Not this time, boys and girls. This blog will be about pre-season football and pre-season football only. Although, maybe I should at least give you a brief warning first. Couldn’t hurt, you know.

I mean, what would be a better time to attack Earth than during a meteor shower? With all those lights whizzing around up there they could easily sneak a battalion of flying saucers through without anyone knowing the difference. And the small added burden of carrying a hefty scatter gun (loaded with double-aught buck of course) around with you where ever you go just might be worth it to prevent you from becoming some green blooded bastard’s bitch.

Well, that’s it. Except that you might also want prepare your house. Nothing crazy here, just make sure you have enough non-perishable food and plenty of fresh water for yourself and family on hand so when the government goes down in the face of the alien onslaught you can survive on your own. Having large stock piles of ammo, although seen as weird by some, might not be a bad idea either. But be sure to check your local town/city ordinances before doing something seemingly nutty but potentially useful like stockpiling anti-tank and fully automatic weaponry. One place you don’t want to be when the invasion starts is in jail!

Don’t get too paranoid but always keep an eye on your friends and family. If they start acting stranger than normal, always consider the possibility that their bodies are under an otherworldly influence. Obvious signs might include suddenly talking in a slow, monotone voice or refusing to drink beer. You might want to prepare a list of questions that only they would know the answers to such as “How many DWIs do I have?” or “What year were we married?” if you are asking your wife or “What year did you get the Workmate?” if you were asking your husband.

Pets are always important in an alien invasion scenario. Apart from being a handy emergency source of food, they can provide comfort in a crisis. Dogs could potentially tell if their masters were human or not. Goldfish might be able to communicate with the aliens. And hamsters might frighten them away.

So, anyway, back to pre-season football: It’s really dumb.


Post a Comment

<< Home