Thursday, November 20, 2008

Mr. Wheelgun Goes to Washington

I want a position in Barak Obama’s cabinet, hopefully sitting on my fat ass sipping a martini. The possibilities are Secretaries of Agriculture, Commerce, Defense, Education, Energy, Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, Housing and Urban Development, Interior, Labor, State, Transportation, Treasury, Veterans Affairs, and Attorney General. So which one for me? Or perhaps they should add a new one like Secretary of Beer or Secretary of Lingerie. As Secretary of Lingerie, I would make sure all good looking chicks had to wear short skirts and thigh-highs. Kind of like the exact opposite of an Islamic country.

So Mr. Obama, this is what I would do if you were so smart as to offer me a position in your cabinet:

Secretary of Agriculture:
I would push through huge subsidies for growers of hops and barley.

Secretary of Commerce:
I would get rid of all interstate trucking and make people use trains to transport goods. I hate getting stuck behind trucks.

Secretary of Defense:
Who’s kidding who? It’s Secretary of Offense! I would lob MOABs at unsuspecting countries every now and then just to let the world know that America still kicks ass!

Secretary of Energy:
Jaeger Bombs (Red Bull energy drink and Jagermeister) for everybody!

Secretary of Education:
Would mandate the wearing of catholic school girl uniforms for all high school girls, their mothers and their female teachers.

Secretary of Health and Human Services:
Appoint myself “Gyno General.”

Secretary of Homeland Security:
I would make repelling alien invasions from outer space my top priority.

Secretary of Housing and Urban development:
Yurts for the homeless.

Secretary of The Interior:
I would give back everything to the American Indians and make everyone of European descent live in a reservations.

Secretary of Labor:
Mandate a 2 day work week for everyone but strippers and allow drinking alcohol in all work places.

Secretary of State:
Pursue relations with inter-dimensional beings.

Secretary of Transportation:
New law - the size of your car would have to be inversely proportional to your penis length. I wonder if I could fit into a Matchbox car?

Secretary of Veterans Affairs:
Would find an answer to this question - for how many years do you have to have an affair for it to qualify?

Secretary of Treasury:
I would commission a design for the new three dollar bill that would have Little Richard’s face on it.

Attorney General:
Go after all those fuckers in the Bush administration that broke the law. Which would be a tough thing to do with only a 2 day work week.


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