Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Car Czar

Did you hear that part of this automotive bailout that Congress is proposing for the Detroit dinosaurs calls for a “Car Czar”? Shit, I want to apply! My qualifications are numerous : I have been driving for 34 years and have a spotless record, I own a car, I rebuilt the engine on my 383 Road Runner when I was in high school and would race it at New England Dragway on grudge nights, I can change a flat by myself, I watch NASCAR, I’m a member of FAG (Fans Against Gordon), I’m a huge NHRA fan, I still have a bunch of Hot Wheels, I drive a standard, I am related to an automotive pioneer, I once had a long conversation with “Big Daddy” Don Garlits, I’ve been to the Earls Court Motor Show in London, I’ve been to a Formula 1 race, I can parallel park with the best of them, need I go on?

Here are some of the things I would do as the nation’s Car Czar:

1. Force the big 3 Detroit Automakers to merge into one company and call it “God’s Chosen Car Company” or GC3 for short.

2. Make them sell only incredibly fuel efficient/hybrid/fuel cell/bio-diesel/solar/piss powered cars with a minimum fuel economy of 50 MPG.

3. Limit automotive executive compensation to the current minimum wage.

4. Require automotive executives to work the line at least 20 hours per week.

5. Exempt all 60’s muscle cars from any regulations at all.

6. Make the Speed channel part of basic cable.

7. Force guys who buy big pick-up trucks or SUVs who don’t really need them to have a “Small Penis On Board” sign in the back window.

8. Reduce the national speed limit to 60. I would make it 55 but the last thing I want to do is encourage Sammy Hagar.

9. End ethanol subsidies for automotive fuels and apply them to any drinkable alcohols.

10. Insist on a public apology from General Motors for the Chevy Vega.

11. Ban Renaults from the US.

12. Make car dealerships have self checkouts thus eliminating that scourge of western civilization, the car salesman.

13. Federally subsidized taxi rides to and from bars!

And if those fuckers in Detroit want any of our money, they better start making cars that are built to last unlike my last Chevy Blazer which was one heinous piece of shit.


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