Degenerate In Space

The space shuttle finally went up today. What a ride it must be! Millions of horsepower. You’re in outer space within 8 minutes. Wearing a well soiled space suit no doubt. I would love to take a ride in that thing.

Remember the "Teacher In Space" program they had? It ended tragically with fellow NH native Christa McAuliffe’s fiery plunge into the Atlantic. But, regardless, I think they should have a "Degenerate In Space" program. As long as the cargo bay had plenty of beer in it, I would sign up for that program. I could even do some important scientific experiments while I was up there like growing sea-monkeys in a weightless environment.

Knowing my luck, the gamma radiation from the sun combined with spilled PBR in their water would cause the sea-monkeys to mutate into some horrible man-eating monsters with super intelligence. There would be a pitched battle with the beasts until we killed enough of them to regain control of the orbiter and land safely. Of course a super-sea-monkey would survive and hi-jinx would ensue. Note to self: Bring gun on trip to space.

Being an IT fag, I might even be able to help out with some of the computers on board the space shuttle. Hell, the technology isn't exactly cutting edge. I would have to brush up on Windows 3.1. If something went wrong, I could maybe be put to work testing vacuum tubes. Hopefully they have one of those big tube testers like the local Radio Shack used to have in the 60's.

And I have an extensive background in rocketry. Just ask any of my relatives. One of my many achievements was sending a plastic Mr.T doll into the exosphere on top of a three stage rocket I built. He safely parachuted into the hands of the recovery team no worse for the experience other than a slightly melted ass.

At the very least, I could go along as added security. Everyone knows that since the days of the Mercury astronauts, UFO's have been lurking in the background keeping an eye on man's progress towards the stars. I'm sure one of these days, the little green bastards will try to shoot a grappling ray onto the shuttle and steal it along with it's astronauts in order to do experiments. Not with me on board! I'm not letting E.T. anal probe me or any of my fellow astronauts for that matter. They would be met with a blast of double-aught buck. Note to self: Borrow Cod God's 12 gauge before trip into space.

And finally, I could also serve as the bar tender for the trip. I would mix drinks and freeze dry them so they could be consumed in a weightless environment. Maybe I would even get lucky with some hot female astronaut. We could test out angular momentum together. I would start spinning with my wang hanging out while she took her suit off. As my erection grew, my spinning would slow.