Thursday, November 03, 2005

Eine Kleine Schlitz n' Plumpers

Hey, you guys will be happy as shit to know that you have something to do this Saturday night. Yep, my band Jupiter 2 is playing at a new dive in Somersworth, NH called Station 319. We are playing with pals of our (who feature a hot chick drummer), Hot Rod Fury. So be there or be smart.

I was thinking about music today. I must have about a hundred half finished songs lying around. So I thought I might write a song called "Half Finished Song." It will either have lyrics over a verse and a chorus and then the rest of the song with no lyrics or it will be a real long song with all the half finished lyrics in it.

Here are some Jupiter 2 songs that didn't make the cut or we only did once or twice -

Split Dick Man - Was about a guy with a bifurcated penis. "I'm a split dick man, I'm a split dick man. I can fuck her in the c**t, I can fuck her in the can."

Split Stream Man - You ever wake up and take a morning piss only to have your dink send out two streams in opposite directions? That's what this song was about. Hey, jOhnny, you have the lyrics to this one?

Fuck You - A satire of Joe king (of the Queers) songs. It featured the same turn around he has in all his songs and a dinky Joe King solo. The chorus was "Fuck, fuck, fuck you!" sung in the manner of our pal the Kinger.

Australo-hippie-scene - It was a song about how hippies look and act like cavemen. Australopithecus + hippie scene. Get it? We thought it was funny as shit until the next day when we were sober. I think we actually performed this one a couple times.

Schlitz n' Plumpers - Our former organist Marc had suitcase full of mostly German porn that he left in our practice space. One night while we were setting up for practice (in other words drinking), Tom was sitting down reading a "Plumpers" magazine while drinking a Schlitz. The song had lotsa nonsense German words in it.

Dale's Last Ride - An instrumental we did right after Dale Ernhardt died. As I recall, it was pretty cool. Not that he died - the song.

I know there are a lot more amazingly stupid songs we did and I will remember them as soon as I post this.

And fear not, we won't be performing any of these songs on Saturday. We will be doing the same damned 15 song set we have been playing for the last 7 years.


At 3:07 AM, Blogger B-Face said...

Actually I wrote the song "Fuck You," but admittedly it was entirely in the Queers fashion.

At 6:50 AM, Blogger jOhnny said...

Fortunately I remember shit like this (even if I can't remember my name most days);
One Arm Three Porns about a one armed guy who used to rent three porns at a time (go figure) from Colletta
Mookie about the little harelip homo boy; "when mookie opens up his mouth you know it's not to talk, 'cause everyone in P-Town knows that mookie sucks great cock"
My Itchy Anus wasn't much to this one beyond "my itchy anus, my itchy anus, my itchy anus, oi oi oi" although there may have been a line like "I force a fart to scratch it" Genius...

I'll have to dig around and see if I saved anything else. I know there were at least a dozen other gems

At 10:56 AM, Blogger Record Button said...

I recall: Birthday Blowjob, (also all the lyrics) Skinny Girl With Big Tits (which started with: At the courtesy counter, and the Pic and Pay, I cash a check sometimes twice a day, just to see that girl... etc), any my personal favorite, "What The Fuck Is Wrong With Walter." Alteast you'd better not still be doing that! I wrote 75% of that song!!

"and if the band you're in starts playing different tunes, I'll see you on the dark side of the moon."

"you ever see German porn?"

At 10:56 AM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

jOhnny -I remember "One Arm Three Porns"! Thats right - Tom used to work in that video store and this one armed dude would come in. You wrote that one, right?

BFace- The "Fuck You" we did was different. As different as a Queers song can get. I will ask Tom about the lyrics. As I recall, a totally generic take off on typical Joe stuff. I remember putting a line in about "Jerry's ugly face" which was a direct rip off but then again, most of Joe's stuff is a direct rip off! But great stuff nonetheless.

At 12:17 PM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

Here's one I brought to practice once - "I Want To Be Ron Jeremy." The only line I remember is "His acting ain't great but he can auto-felate." Good thing we didn't spend a lot of time on it.

At 9:22 PM, Blogger jOhnny said...

Holy shit "Skinny Girl with Big Tits"! - didn't that start out "Hey Adam, do something tit-like on the drums"? Man we were funny.
See her ever other day, working at the Pic n Pay, She's behind the courtesy desk, I cash a check just to start at her breasts...

and I found all the lyrics to Split Stream... here's a verse;
Went out bowling, got fucked up
had to squirt so I drained my cup
Stumbled to the john
and whipped out my shit
when i started to piss it was a seven-ten split

At 9:30 PM, Blogger B-Face said...

Well, really everything these past 30 years has been a ripoff of something. But at least Joe's stopped ripping off the Beach Boys and the Ramones, and now only rips off the Queers.

At 9:30 PM, Blogger B-Face said...

...And not even well.

At 11:51 PM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

Fuck it, lets do all these songs tomorrow and not the "real" ones.

At 10:17 PM, Blogger Record Button said...

And I originally wrote "Smoking Dope and Watching TV" for Jupiter2, but Bob said we couldn't have 2 songs about Harlan. So I started another band.

At 10:22 PM, Blogger Record Button said...

AH! and "Do The Curtains Match the Drapes" that one got recorded, that was "so garage"

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