Monday, September 15, 2008


You bet your sweet perineum I’m concerned! Those crazy Swiss are at it again. Why can’t they just stick to drilling holes in cheese? Instead they’ve gone galloping off half-cocked and created the world’s largest particle accelerator. Why? To collide particles together to see what they are made out of (and wouldn’t it be hilarious if they found that the Higgs boson particle was actually dog shit?). On the face of it, it seems innocuous enough but there could be dangers lurking in this miniature realm of massive energies. For example, this from an article about The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at CERN:

“The world's most powerful particle accelerator to date, the system is designed to recreate the conditions that existed a millionth of a millionth of a second after the Big Bang, or the birth of the universe”.

See any potential problems there? Exactly! Why do you suppose they call it the BIG BANG? Jesus! And some are predicting that the damned thing will create a black hole that will gobble up most of Europe (hopefully leaving the nude beaches in southern France alone). Unless of course it gags on a Renault.

You might think these concerns are far fetched. Not me. You see, I should know a thing or two about these matters since I was a physics major in college for about a month. Actually I’m worried the LHC might piss off some interdimensional being that will then sodomize Zurich with it's  anti-matter phallus.

Of course, there could be positives. Maybe a rip in the time-space continuum will appear and we can go back in time and warn the American people about George Bush or warn Tom Brady about Bernard Pollard.


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