Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Ice Ice, Baby

Boy, it really sucked not having internet for a few days due to the ice storm. I’m way behind in my internet porn research. Gotta make up for lost time since the spank bank is almost empty. But before I do, I will grace you guys with a wildly entertaining/informative blog - just the kind you have come to expect from me!

I’ve been watching some of those old Christmas movies lately since my roommates put them on all the time. Of course I would prefer to be watching some hot girl on girl action (x-rated, not x-mas), but what the hell. So here a few observations I have about holiday cinema fare:

I would rather live in Potterville in “It’s a Wonderful Life”, the alternative future that happens if George Bailey never exists. A lot of debauchery and merry drunkenness goes on there, so what could be better? It also seems like a place you could get a decent backstreet blow job for less than 5 bucks. And here’s a question: If every time you hear a bell ring it means an angel gets a pair of wings, what is it you hear when an imp gets a pair of horns? A fart?

Wouldn’t it have been a riot if Herme in “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer” wanted to be urologist and not a dentist? And he circumcised the abominable snowman instead of removing his teeth? What if he wanted to be a proctologist? A gynecologist? Man, I stay up late wondering these things.

They should do an updated version of “A Charlie Brown Christmas” because you know Charlie Brown would bring a Tech-9 to school and cut down all of his tormentors if the story took place in the present. He would no doubt be part of the trench coat mafia. And I could see him hauling out a neener and popping a cap in Lucy’s fool ass for removing that damned football.

Holy shit, what a fucked up story “A Christmas Carol” is. An evil old fucker hallucinates one night and then becomes a philanthropist for the rest of his life. Maybe there is hope for Dick Cheney. Perhaps we can get Grace Slick to slip some ‘cid into his scotch and soda like she almost did to Nixon’s.

Why the hell didn't those weird little fuckers in Whoville have burgler alarms or Neighborhood Watch? And unless Whoville had strict gun control laws thanks to those goddamned Who liberals, I suspect the Grinch's sit-upon would find itself overburden with double-aught buck.

Any guess as to what would happen to Santa from “Miracle On 34th Street” nowadays? He would find himself face down and ass up in a prison.

I should probably stop now. I am harshing everyone’s Christmas buzz. Sorry.


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