Thursday, January 08, 2009

Hefty Memoirs

Laura Bush just got a hefty advance for her memoirs. Or perhaps someone just made an advance on her hefty mammories. In either case, I hope she writes a tell all book. Wouldn’t it be a riot if she came up with juicy tidbits like how her hubby enjoyed dressing up in a general’s uniform and insisting that Laura defecate on him while howling “incoming! incoming!”? Actually, W looks more like a waterworks kind of guy – the smirk gives it away. But I’m sure she will just write about how she replaced the White House curtains and upgraded the Wedgewood. 

I want to ghostwrite George Bush’s memoirs after he mercifully leaves the White House later this month. I am an accomplished writer as this blog obviously attests to. And although not really privy to the inside workings of Bush’s “mind,” I do own (and have observed for quite some time) sea monkeys. 

I have many theories about the soon-to-be former "leader" of the free world. I think he was a very faith-based and gullible goober when he took office, certainly not a man of curiosity and reason. Neoconservatives, lead by Dark Lord of The Sith Dick Cheney, easily convinced him that we needed to attack Iraq as soon as possible to save Israel for the Christians during the upcoming End of Times. “Weapons of mass destruction” was just the bullshit justification they used to fool the general public. See, the Neocons main goal in life is to eradicate all perceived enemies of Israel whether in the best interests of America or not. Too bad their actions have made Israel, not to mention America, far less safe. 

So, what should I call Bush’s “auto” biography?  How about “What I Did When I Lived In That Big White House” or “Bush Clearin’ Brush” or “My Time As The Deciderer”? Some obvious ones would be  “Mission Accomplished” or “Crusade” or “War President.” I think I might call it “Misunderestimated.” Let me know if you have any other ideas for titles.

I will have an amusing chapter on how to pass out drunk and blame it on a pretzel. I will tell stories of flyin’ around on Air Force One during that tornado that sunk New Orleans. I will blame George Tenet and Don Rumsfeld for all Iraq related mistakes. I will make sure to constantly repeat how safe I’ve kept this country after those airplanes ran into the buildings in New York City during Clinton’s presidency and how I kicked Saddam Hussein’s ass for planning it. Probably won’t mention Bin Laden. I will blame economic woes on poor people. And I will tell all about how Laura gives incredible grumpkins.



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