Holy Shit

Those crazy fuckers in the mid-east just can’t seem to get along so I suggest we (the rest of the world) take the holy land away from them. Kind of like taking a toy away from two kids fighting over it. So what should we do with it afterwards? Here are my suggestions: 

• Giant water park. Assuming they have enough water in that godforsaken land. If not, then a regular amusement park will do. You could have rides much like Disney’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” except with biblical themes such as “The Crucifixion” featuring roller coaster seats shaped like a cross. And a car bomb obstacle course would surely be popular. 

• Missile and bomb testing range. It’s practically that already. 

• The mother of all shopping malls. Just enclose the whole damned Middle East, slap some air-conditioning on it and the shops will come. You could even have a million screen multiplex. 

• The world’s largest titty bar! Possible names for it could be "The Gaza Strip" or "The Camel's Toe" or "The Hole-y Land" or "Glory Holy" or "Lawrence of Labia" or "Hair M" or "Piece In The Middle East" or "The West Skank." They could have a once a month special on Bloody Marys called "Red Sea Night."

• Declare the Middle East a religion free zone. Anyone caught killing in the name of god or even just praying will be decapitated and a camel will shit down their neck. 

• Extra terrestrial landing area. Using olive trees, spell out the word “HELP!” so big that its visible from outer space. 

• Nature preserve. Remove all humans and let nature take over. Perhaps sand fleas will evolve super intelligence and end up ruling the world. 

• Huge dump. Put all the worlds trash in one spot – the middle east. Use the methane generated for power. You could also have a big-assed junkyard. Junkyard wars instead of real wars. 

• Sports complex. Everything from golf courses to drag strips and road courses. Boat drags in the Red Sea! Stadiums galore! Hell, you could move the old Yankee Stadium there. Camel polo!

• Movie set. Biblical epics could be filmed there in real time. Hell, dig up the still slightly warm corpse of Chuck Heston and have him part the red sea of Palistinian blood.

• Agriculture. Use it to grow barley, hops, grapes and, depending on the weather and water availability, less important crops such corn and wheat. 

• Giant cemetery. It’s certainly headed that way now.