$5 Blow Jobs Ain't Too Funny

Whilst convalescing from my recent calamity, I have had a lot of time to reflect upon the state of this great nation of ours (“Oh shit,” I can hear you thinking out loud, “he's going to go on about politics”). So I will share some of my more profound thoughts with you. Just think, you won't need to pop a Valium to fall asleep.

Sarah Palin, the gift that keeps on giving, is coming out with a memoir entitled "Going Rogue: An American Life." It only took her a couple of months to “write” this book so I figure I can do the same in 15 minutes. “Going Ape Shit: A Far More Goddamned American Life” will be the title. It will feature a manly picture of me on the front cover sporting some serious weaponry. I will now provide some excerpts of this forthcoming autobiographical masterpiece for you lucky shits -

Chapter 1: My Mother's Vagina

Many wonder and rightfully so, where a man of such profound intrigue and passion came from. Well, I will tell you. My mothers vagina.

Chapter 4: My First Sexual Experience

I pretty much define male sexuality to be honest with you. And it all started when I was knee high to a shaver. Or a young grasshopper or some such metaphor. Yes, I was about three years old as the story goes according to my older sister. I saw an episode of I Love Lucy and apparently popped a big old woody the first time I caught a glimpse of Vivian Vance. Blew the fucking diaper into the next room so I'm told.

Chapter 13: The Drug Years

Heroin, cocaine, pot, LSD, 'shrooms, oxy, meth - I did 'em all. Or at least for the purposes of this idiotic book I did. My life story is so stupefyingly boring I gotta make some shit up. Just ask all the Penthouse models I screwed around with.

Chapter 17: Rock Bottom

The day I ran out of clean underwear, went commando and got my schlonger caught in a zipper. While I was at a rehab in Beverly Hills, that is. Almost forgot that part.

Chapter 18: Recovery and True Love

After getting tired of selling $5 blow jobs in the parking garage just so I could afford my next high, blah, blah, blah...

Sorry. You will have to purchase the book to find out the rest.