Monday, October 26, 2009

Space-aged Bachelor Pad

Ole Wheel Gun Bob was checking out his new bachelor pad this weekend. In case you haven’t heard, my ex-girlfriend has kicked me the fuck out of our house so I had to scramble to find a bridge to live under or a winter rental. Fortunately, I found the latter. It’s a totally swinging place too, right on a harbor. The Hot Chick Network (HCN) is already abuzz about it.

I’m taking my new status as a bachelor seriously. Been hitting the gym especially hard to make myself even more attractive to those with vaginas. Hell, in a couple months, when I’m finally under 300lbs, the chicky-boos will be swarming around me much like bugs do around an open flame. My sculpted Adonis like body will be a perfect complement to my bubbly personality. No worries on the opposite sex front for me!

When’s the first party at your new space-aged bachelor pad, Wheel Gun? The answer is, of course, the minute I move in! There is a bar right next door and I will endeavor to surreptitiously tap into their beer kegs. Free beer! And when I get tired of beer and babes, I can always fish right from my front lawn. God, life will be good.

Keep an eye on this blog for my official move-in date. House warming gifts will be not only be encouraged but expected. Here are some suggestions:

A crate of Trojans (XXL).

An extra liver.

A Nintendo Wii. Not for me since I don’t partake in such juvenile pursuits like video games. Just in case any kids visit.

New laptop. My old one is crap. I have free wireless at this place and need to work on my internet porn research. Windows 7 and at least 4 gigs RAM please. See my last hilariously informative blog for my take on Windows 7. [Ed. Note – We know full well that none of WGB’s friends can afford a single roll of toilet paper let alone a new laptop but just humor him since his mental state is somewhat off balance these days].

A Kimber Ultra Carry.45 automatic. It might seem like a rich, ritzy seacoast town but you never know what the crime rate is like.

An Esquivel! boxed set.

A fishing pole.


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