Saturday, December 17, 2005

Go Ahead. Eat My Nuts. Make My Day.

The evil fat squirrel is at it again. The furry fucker is constantly gorging himself in preparation for a long winter. The next ice age must be upon us judging by his girth. If he ever stood on a talking scale it would say "Get the fuck off!"

The fur covered bowling ball decided he just had to have the bird seed in our bird feeder which was hanging in our breeze way. He got up on one of the trellises and somehow jumped the three feet or so to the feeder. Of course his considerable weight brought the thing crashing down. I'm sure the event was registered on the local university's seismometers.

I got home just as he was stuffing his fat cheeks with bird seed on the floor of the breezeway, in between the two broken halves of the feeder. I flipped out. I started after the mangy little menace while screaming obscenities that would make Howard Stern blush.

You should have seen the fat little rat take off. He jumped up on the trellis and then from there on to the roof of the garage. He turned around to see how close I was and then slipped and fell off into a bush. I came this close to nabbing the buck-toothed bastard.

Well, it’s got to stop. And here is my plan. I’m going to get some cashews or macadamia nuts and put them on the breezeway. Then I will remove the storm widow from the kitchen door. I will pull up a chair and wait inside. With me, I will have the following – a can of spray-paint, a lighter and a six-pack of Bud pounders. I will sit there quaffing the beers until the offending rodent appears and starts porking down on those choice nuts. Whilst engaged in the orgiastic feeding frenzy, he won’t notice me as I light the lighter and point the can of spray-paint at him. Then WOOSH! Just like a flame thrower. Crispy critter!

I will try to set up my video camera and record this momentous event and put a clip on this blog for your horror/entertainment.

6 Comments:

At 9:09 AM, Blogger LittleDougyPorkSword said...

A better (safer) flame thrower:

Materials:
1)Large can of Mystery oil.
1)Average plastic spray bottle with adjustable nozzle.
1)Long fireplace type lighter.

Fill bottle with Mystery Oil, adjust nozzle to thick stream. Light lighter, squeeze handle, nut nabber napalm. CAUTION: SQUEEZE THE HANDLE AND KEEP IT HELD IN UNTIL THE FLAME GOES OUT. There is a very remote chance that you will suck the flame back into the bottle if you release the handle while it is still lit.

This makes an amazing, sticky flame that is very loud. Even if you miss the litte fucker...he'll probably have a heart attack!

Oh...and wear a glove, all spray bottles leak a little.

Have fun!

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

Nut nabber napalm! The little fucker doesn't stand a chance!

 
At 6:20 PM, Blogger B-Face said...

Have you Einsteins ever heard of the Darwin Awards?
Cuz you're gonna, real soon.

 
At 1:10 AM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

Like I would ever hurt myself.

 
At 8:16 AM, Blogger LittleDougyPorkSword said...

Skin grows back.

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger Wheel Gun Bob said...

Skins 1 through 3 will grow back.

 

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