Dead Hamster

My life is getting flushed down the toilet like a dead hamster. My ex-girlfriend, who pretended to like me for almost twenty years, has nailed me in the balls so hard I don’t think I will ever be able to walk normally again. She has stolen all my money and is trying to destroy my dignity. But I won’t let her! I am Wheel Gun Fuckin Bob and I used to walk among giants! And to prove it, I will pluck a blog out of the digital ether and present it to you, my steadfast supporters.

Christmas is coming up and I’m trying not to let it depress the hell out of me. One thing you guys can do to buck me up is shower me with gifts. So here we go with another one of my wacky “What you can get Wheelgun Bob for Christmas” lists.


1. A new girlfriend. And I don’t care if she looks like Shemp Howard as long as she is rich.

2. A time machine so I can go back and not break up with my old, old girlfriend so I wouldn’t then hook up with current ex-girlfriend. Confuses me too.

3. A snowmobile. Doesn’t have to go 130MPH. 100MPH would be just fine. Gotta make the damned winter fun somehow.

4. An autographed copy of Sarah Palin’s new book. It’s got to be cheaper than wood for my stove.

5. Speaking of which, a cord of wood would be nice so I can heat up my freezing bachelor pad. Shit, it’s so cold there that my nipples could cut glass.

6. Tickets for a cruise anywhere its warm, including Mercury or Venus.

7. Gift certificate to newegg.com so I can make a new computer. It’s now been 5 years since I made my last computer and I have the computer nerd equivalent of deadly sperm build-up. It will have the added benefit of occupying my dark mind and help stave off thoughts of self destruction or world domination.

8. Dong warmer (XXXL).

9. Money. Dinero, scratch, jack, somalians, greenbacks, dough, shekels, rupees, zlotys, mazuma, moolah, oscar, pap, plaster, rivets, spondulicks, clams, smackers, bread, cabbage, wampum, etc. Just shower me with dead presidents, mutha fuckas!