Saturday, April 16, 2011

Shuttle Cock

In case you haven’t heard, the Space Shuttle program is shutting down soon and NASA will be selling off its remaining shuttles to museums. I will attempt to get a hold of one by claiming I run the “Wheelgun Bob Museum of Science and Pyromania.” I can’t think of anything more fun to have than a space shuttle. I’m not sure if I can even fit it in my backyard. What would I use it for? Well, I wouldn’t fly the damned thing into orbit unless NASA would sell me boosters with it. I might take it for shorter trips though. As I recall, the Shuttle’s main engines provide a million and a half pounds of thrust. I think I could get to California pretty quickly in a sub-orbital hop.

Man, would I be a serious hit with the chicks! Chicks would totally dig the shuttle. Well, so-and-so has a Ferrari? No big deal – I have the fucking space shuttle! Huge parties could be held in the cargo bay. I could give the neighbourhood kids rides. If Jehovah’s Witnesses were to come near the house, I would fire up the engines and scare the bejeezus-christ out of them. I could dig a huge pit, fill it with hamburgers and hot dogs and with one quick burst of the throttle, instant BBQ! I could vaporise squirrels. I could also make some money on the exhibition drag racing circuit.

Speaking of space flight, I was contemplating Yuri Gagarin the other day. He was the first human in space and it was the 50th anniversary of his flight. You have to have a serious pair in order to ride a rocket. And you must have a honkin’ serious pair to be the first one ever to do it. Of course he may have had no say in the matter knowing those crazy Soviets. But he did it. Orbited the earth in a little metal ball and survived. He must have gotten laid by every freaky Natasha in the Soviet Union after that. Well, once I get my hands on a space shuttle I will get more tang than an astronaut.