Thursday, June 23, 2011

Salchicha por un pasillo

I am going to quit blogging once I hit 300 posts so I need to pump some out quickly. Quality will suffer I’m sure but you aren’t paying for them, right? I am reaching into my old bag of tricks and will write another blog in Spanish. I remember how much you guys loved it last time.

¿Sabes lo que estaba pensando el otro día? Pezones de Sarah Palin. Quiero verlos! Me pregunto si son gomas de borrar lápiz (tarta 'n minúscula o los registros de Lincoln), puffles, dipples o dólares de plata. Yo pondría mi dinero en crunchberries. Todos sabemos que tiene los tobillos lindo que ella sin duda tiene detrás de las orejas la mayor parte del tiempo. Lo siento por Todd. Fucking Sarah debe ser como tirar una salchicha por un pasillo. Espero que Sarah vuelve en ese recorrido en autobús de ella para que podamos ver más de ella. Tal vez se detendrá en algún lugar que es un poco ventoso y fresco y podemos ver sus pezones erectos de lo que realmente son.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Amy Wine-o

[I noticed after posting my last brilliant blog that I have 23 more to go to reach a total of 300 posts. I was thinking of hanging up my blogging spikes for good after that. I mean, does anyone even read this anymore? Huh? Huh? Answer me! I would normally say “cue the cricket chirps” at this point but why even bother? Too bad because I have so much more to say. If a blog were to be posted in cyberspace and no one read it, would it make the sound of one hand clapping? Well enough of this self-pity! I will now provide the first of my last 23 blogs]

Normally I don’t give a naked mole rat’s copulatory organ about pop singers these days but I’m totally digging Amy Winehouse. She’s no squeaky voiced, auto-tuned, no-talent fraud like the rest. She can actually sing. But that’s not what entertains me about her. It’s the fact she’s a total crack head alcoholic. I saw a video clip of her attempting to perform shortly after having left rehab. She is totally blasted, stumbling around, dropping her mic, mumbling incoherently and generally acting as if she doesn’t know what planet she’s on. It was almost like performance art. I can’t imagine why people were booing and leaving.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Wood n' Wiener

I told you! Bruins in 7. As usual my prediction was 100% dead accurate. I didn’t even have to go back and edit the post to make it jibe with reality. And I don’t know that much aboot hockey! Hey, isn’t there some big golf thing going on at the moment? I predict that Tiger Woods will not win it.

I’m bummed that Anthony Wiener resigned. His situation was cause for great hilarity. So what is he going to do now? I think he should get a show on cable called “Weiner’s World” where he goes around to all the underground sex parties and dungeons and explores the perverse underbelly of our society. I’m serious – it would be a huge hit. Perhaps Tiger Woods could be his co-host.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Stanley Cup vs. Midget Wrestling

I’m all excited about tonight. On one hand there are the Bruins who must win tonight to have a chance at the Stanley cup. On the other hand is midget wrestling, AKA the Republican Presidential “Debate.” Mitt Romney will be the guy all the others will pile on since he had the audacity to come up with the healthcare plan that Obama based his own on. It will be funny to see how these candidates will fight to out conservo each other. At the end of the debate I’m sure they will be calling for the complete eradication of all taxes, the dismantling of Social Security and Medicare, the mass extermination of all non-Christians in this country and who knows what else. It will be funny to hear all the pandering. How many times will they mention God or Jesus? How much hate can they heap on Obama? How much loyalty can they profess for Israel? Who will come out for boiling abortion doctors alive first? Actually, this might not be so funny.

Fuck it. I’m watching the Bruins.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Now get the puck oot of here!

People keep asking me about the Bruins since I am a veritable cornucopia of knowledge about other sports. But I don’t really follow hockey and the reason is that I never knew it even existed until I moved to New England when I was 15 (and no, I wasn’t on the Mayflower). It seems to me that hockey has too much accidental offense and no one is really in control. About the only thing I like about (or should I say “aboot”?) hockey is the fighting. Still, I will venture a prediction. Bruins in 7. There you go.

Monday, June 06, 2011

“The idjut is coming, the idjut is coming!”

Oh, my dear cyber worshippers, am I a bumming unit at this moment! I’m stuck in the bowels of this giant building far, far away from the beautiful day what’s going on outside. But here I must be so I will try to mitigate a little of my misery by handcrafting a little bloggeroo for you! How great is that? A random thoughts one it will be then:

That moronic MILF Sarah Palin is on a bus tour to show off her breath taking stupidity. Thank god Paul Revere went around ringing bells warning the British not to take our guns away from us. The revolutionary war was about gun control after all. Sarah was right about this since you can’t own a handgun in Britain. Can there please be a modern day Paul Revere galloping just ahead of Sarah Palin’s tour bus warning Americans “The idjut is coming, the idjut is coming!”

I think this whole “Wienergate” thing is great. How funny is it that a congressman name Wiener is sending pictures of his wiener to women? I actually heard someone on the radio say “This Weinergate thing is getting bigger every day.” What a riot. Let’s get one thing straight about Wienergate and see what pops up! Maybe Wiener should hang with the “wide stance” congressman.

There seem to be tornados everywhere these days. This is no doubt god’s retribution for gays in the military. When I was a kid I used to pack my suitcase and hang out in the basement with my brother during tornado watches. Even though the summer weather could get a lot nastier where I was living than New England, the tornado never arrived. But that was even before “don’t ask don’t tell” so maybe god wasn’t too pissed.

Well, that’s enough malarkey from me. Your welcome.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Gaga Beast

Help me out here, ma cyber peeps - just who the hell is "Lady Gaga"? He/she is apparently a popular "singer" of indeterminate sexuality and origin. Of course I wouldn't know a Lady Gaga "song" if you were to super glue it to the end of your tallywacker and bugger me up the arse with it! No doubt she/he is an auto-tuned monstrosity that is a hit with our less than discriminating youth here in A'merka.

Lady Gaga might be some form of alien/human hybrid that was developed in a lab at Area 51. But who really knows what goes on there? Some pictures of Area 51 were just released that supposedly show a precursor to the SR-71 spy plane. I took a close look at these recently declassified photos and saw no evidence of any alien life forms. Of course they won’t ever declassify pictures of aliens.

In order to get more information on Lady Gaga, I went to where I normally go for 100% accurate and up to date info – Wikipedia. I was hoping to find out where the beast was hatched/created. Area 51? No, unfortunately, New York city is listed as to where it was “born.” I kept reading and noticed this sentence that somehow the government censors missed: Lady Gaga’s hibernaculum is Groom Lake, Nevada. Ha! Groom Lake is Area 51! So it goes there periodically to shed its skin or whatever. I knew it! Yet another example of a reptilian humanoid.

If you don’t believe me, check the Wikipedia article out yourself. But do it quickly since the government keeps a wary eye on this blog and will correct their oversight within minutes of its posting.