Friday, May 14, 2010

At The Movies with Wheelgun Bob

I will be moving out of my bachelor pad at the end of this month. Although it stands in my mind as a monument to the monumental failure of my pathetic life, it was a cool place to hang for a few months. Bored of shooting at seagulls from the deck the other day, I decided to get an On Demand movie from Comcast. After all, it will be charged to my landlord and I’m leaving in a couple weeks.

I chose the most horrific movie I could find, one called “Human Centipede.” I had seen warnings about it on the internet. It’s about these two cute American college girls lost in Germany who end up part of a crazed doctor’s experiment to sew three people together, mouth to anus, to form a human centipede. Not a movie I would take the neighborhood kids to exactly but a barrel of laughs nonetheless. Although not a movie critic per se, I will endeavor to review this somewhat unusual film for you, my blog hungry cyber offspring.

First of all, I have a problem with the title. As anyone can figure out, when you sew three humans together, you have a total of twelve appendages – six arms and six legs. Unless you throw an amputee into the mix of course. Or you dig up the corpse of Lentini The Three Legged Man in which case you would be dealing with a total of thirteen appendages. Now, at the risk of going over your heads, “cente” is the Latin prefix for one hundred. So you see what a misleading description “Human Centipede” is for this horror. “Human Duodecipede” would be more apt. Or “Human Tridecipede” if you had Mr. Lentini sewn in. Or “Human Decipede” with a double amputee. Or “Human Undecipede” with both the three legged man and double amputee conjoined with a normal human.

Even so, I give the movie a thumbs up.

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Red Adair of Blogging

Wow, it’s a ghost town around here. All my friends and fans have deserted me for Facebook or Twitter or whatever the hell else the internet flavor of the moment is. I feel like a dinosaur alone on the plains just after an asteroid slammed into the earth forming the Chicxulub crater, typing out my blogs while all the cooler, hipper shrew like creatures are elsewhere evolving. Not one to sit around and feel sorry for myself, I will continue with my quixotic blogging quest until my bones are mineralized and dug up in 60 million years by some hot young college chicky paleontology intern. Here’s to evolution!

Speaking of what became of the dinosaurs, I am watching with great interest the oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. British Petroleum is still trying to cap the underwater geyser of oil in order to mitigate this ecological disaster. So far it has been all for naught. They should contact me since I have an idea or two as to how to stem the flow of evil hydrocarbons into the ocean. I will share these with you, dear readers of this blog. If there are any of you left. Here we go –

1. Confiscate all the Sham Wows in the world and use them to soak up the oil.

2. An obvious solution: Take an out of date submarine and ram it into the hole. Film it and make a porn video out of it.

3. Blow the well head the up with an atomic bomb. It would make everything far worse and add radiation to the mix but it would be fun. And it would show all these other fucking countries that we mean business and not to fuck with us ever again.

4. Get Al Gore to make a movie about it. He did invent environmentalism after all. And it will get him off this global warming kick. Actually, global warming will help by melting the polar ice caps thus diluting the oil.

5. Stuff the hole with tea baggers. I was amused by them at first but now I’m annoyed as hell. Tell them that the gummint will raise taxes to plug the oil leak unless they do it themselves.

6. Just ignore it and watch the NBA playoffs.

Ok, so I just proved the point with this lame blog that I should be extinct. Maybe I will just find me a pretty little Apatosaur, quaff some Jager nips and let the eons pass us by.