Friday, January 13, 2012

Hostess with the mostess

Horrible news! Despite my best efforts, Hostess, the maker of the legendary and tasty Twinkie, has filed for chapter 11. You would think that all those Little Debbie’s Snack cakes I’ve shoved in my pie hole over the years would have increased their bottom line instead of just increasing my bottom’s size. I may have to redouble my efforts, hunker down and pound some serious Devil Dog and be rapacious in my pursuit of Ring Dings. In the meantime, here are some suggestions for Hostess to help turn things around.

Find a real sexy spokesman for the product. Some long legged super model slowly sucking the cream filling out of a Twinkie would make for a good commercial. You could also use Tim Tebow to hawk Wonder bread by tossing a loaf, quarterback style. Never mind that he would miss the receiver.

You know how Twinkies will last forever due to the copious amounts of preservatives in them? Well play that angle up with a series of ads touting Hostess as the post-apocalyptic, zombie infested, dystopian survival food. Hostess should defiantly sponsor “Walking Dead.” Tag line “Don’t eat brains, eat Hostess Cupcakes!”

I would go on but I have a sudden craving for some Zebra Cakes.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Picking The Corn Holer In Iowa

So who is it going to be - human prolapsed rectum Ron Paul, anal sex detritus Rick Santorum or establishment boy Mitt Romney? The rest are gonzo, let’s face it. Too bad about Newt though since he was at times even more amusing than Herman Cain. Mark my words, Mitt will be the eventual winner of the nomination. Only thing left for excitement will be his choice of VP. Betcha he chooses blubbery blowhard Chris Christie who will make a great and very large attack dog. Mitt will stay above the fray saying whatever he needs to get you to vote for him while Christie will say really bad things about the negro who dares occupy our White House. Wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Mitt made a deal with the double-wide New Jersey governor not to run for president in exchange for the future VP nod. Now I’m praying for Ron Paul/Sarah Palin 3rd party run!