2nd Shaft Again

My considerable misfortune will be your good fortune, dear fans. I am on 2nd shift here at work tonight, a shift that I used to do exclusively for over two god-awful years. Then, over a year ago, I was blessed by a move to first shift so I could actually see the morons that I deal with. But I was told to cover for our 2nd shift guy tonight. When I arrived dutifully at 4PM, I noticed that the 2nd shift guy was here. Oops. But I sure as hell was not driving all the way back home (as much as I would have loved to). So I told him to scram. Which leaves me here alone with you, my faithful followers. And believe me, you will not be disappointed. No sah! I will extrude a multi-colored, star-shaped random thoughts blog out of my Play Dough filled mind just for the occasion! Yippee!

Alright, first order of business. When I used to work 2nd shift and would go to any of the bathrooms to visit the urinals, there would always be some poor bastard taking a shit in one of the stalls. It didn’t matter the time or the bathroom. Used to creep me out. Now after 3 major and many minor lay-offs this place is a ghost town during the day let alone at night. So there just can’t be anyone in the bathroom but me this time. I will now check and put the results at the end of this blog.

Looks like that 700 billion buck bailout for Wall street failed to pass the house. I say fuck ‘em and give the money to us, the working stiffs. It would be around $4,000 for each adult in this country. Reverse Reganomics and see if it “trickles” up to those CEOS and other fat cats. I’m serious. I would use it to pay some bills and maybe for a few trips to Tens in Salisbury to stimulate the economy among other things.

I saw the presidential “debate” the other night and was none too impressed by either guy. McCain was just so condescending to Obama and wouldn’t even look at him. I kept expecting him so say “That boy over there wants to take your tax dollars.” And Obama needs to be a lot meaner and less wonkish. I can’t wait to see the vice presidential debate. Biden is sure to step in it at least a couple times and Palin is just a slow motion train wreck. I would love to see Palin come to the debate dressed as a cheerleader.

My favorite Paul Newman movie was “Cool Hand Luke.” Makes me what to eat 50 eggs in one hour just thinking about it.

Yup, there was some miserable nitwit shitting his brains out in one of the stalls. Maybe the next lay-off (which is rumored to be 40% of the remaining work force) will reduce the chances of having to share the bathroom with some dope pinching a loaf. Of course I may not be here to enjoy it.

Over under upside down

I was flipping channels the other day during a commercial break from the Red Sox game when I came across this moron hanging upside-down from a giant scaffold. It was David Blaine who bills himself as a “magician”. I have blogged about him before.

The best part of this boring fiasco was when David Blaine was punched a couple times in the gut by this guy named Kimbo Slice. I have no idea what it had to do with hanging upside-down but I wasn’t really paying close enough attention so I may have missed something.

Kimbo Slice looks like a Klingon and likes to beat people up. Just do a search for him on YouTube. For some reason these schlubs just keep showing up to get the shit pounded out of them by Kimbo. I’m at a total loss to explain this.

I’m also at a total loss to explain Davis Blaine as well. But hey, if he makes money off the bullshit that he does, more power to him. I just wish I could make some money off of my bullshit.

Is there anyone out there who will pay me to lay around and get shit-faced on a daily basis?

Didn’t think so.

The Lizard Prince

The world will be pleased/horrified to know that my band, Jupiter 2, will be playing again soon. “Why oh why?” you whimper with lower lip quivering, tears welling and bowels evacuating. Actually it’s for lead singer Tom’s 50th birthday celebration and it will be at the Pressroom in downtown Portsmouth next Wednesday. Now collect yourselves and take a deep breath as I will now endeavor to describe to you the last “performance” of Jupiter 2…

It was a cold and windy January night. Or it might have been an unseasonably warm and still January night, I don’t remember. Actually I think it was kind of cold since it was fucking January. Anyway it was about 8 months ago and we were playing Bourbon’s at The Muddy River Smoke House in Portsmouth.

Now, I have this officemate where I work in Massachusetts named Jimmy. Jimmy is an old rocker who is in two bands, one a cover band the other mostly originals. Since he had been given a date for his bands to play at Bourbon’s, I offered Jupiter 2 as a warm up act to bring some locals in. That was mistake #1. Mistake #2 was telling Tom that he needed to behave himself since Jimmy knows everyone in cubeville and a lot of my co-workers might show up. Unfortunately Tom took it more as a dare than a plea. Indeed it was like asking Captain Ahab to please leave the whale alone or asking Bob Gibson not to pitch inside. It just incited him to redouble his efforts as you will see.

The night started with Jimmy’s cover band going on first. We were slated 2nd since Jimmy’s first band was new and still working out the kinks. Actually, I don’t remember them doing any Kinks songs. Anyway, Jupiter 2 always prefers to go on first for a couple of reasons: 1. Less time to get blotto before we play. 2. More time to get blotto after we play. So this was not an ideal situation for the ole Deuce to begin with.

Tom had the afternoon off that day which he spent in his usual fashion – getting tanked at Fat Belly’s. By the time Bourbon’s was filling up and Jimmy’s cover band was playing, Tom was pretty much schnockered. At one point I looked over to where he had been sitting at the bar just a few minutes earlier and noticed he was nowhere to be seen and his drink was knocked over. I went over to his girlfriend Suzie and asked her what happened. “He got shut off and left” she replied matter-of-factly. Shit. Well, I thought, I guess I can try to sing this song and Harlan can sing that one, etc.

About 5 minutes before we were scheduled to go on someone came stumbling down the stairs into the bar. One of my workmates asked “Who is the homeless guy?” It was Tom. Seems he had been hanging out at the Stock Pot trying to sober down after he got shut off at Bourbon’s.

At this point I would like to mention that almost everyone from the department I work in plus plenty of others were in the joint. Even the vice president and CIO of our company was there. I think my co-workers were a little shocked at the type of band I was in when we first started to play. Still, we were very good and ripped for the first three songs. People were diggin it. Then we went into song called “Adjusting My Left Nut.”

As we were playing I noticed Tom out of the corner of my eye fiddling with his belt as he was singing. Nothing unusual since Tom will sometimes take off his pants to prance around in whatever bizarre boxers he happened to score that day at Goodwill. But as we were singing the chorus, I noticed he had put his finger through his underwear and was waving it at the crowd as a faux tally-whacker.

Next thing you know, all fuck broke loose. The little doofus doorman was screaming at us to shutdown. I was stunned at first, not sure what the hell was going on. People were yelling and milling around. We stopped playing and just stood there for a minute not sure what to do. I screamed “let’s keep going!” But by then it was obvious we shouldn’t. I heard someone say something about the police and I assume they weren’t requesting a cover of “Invisible Sun.” We got off stage.

The rest is kind of a blur. A bunch of our fans showed up just as we were shut down and left in a huff. I was told that some group from the Chamber of Commerce left, all upset at whatever they thought we had done and one of them wanted the police called. I heard some people requested their money back. I would have charged them extra for the show they just got. My nephew Colin took me aside, gave me one of his pain pills, bought me a drink and that was that.

I still haven’t lived this incident down at work. But Jimmy has forgiven me. I also know most Jupiter 2 veteran fans were totally shocked that we got shut down. Compared to other shit we’ve done in the past, this was nothing.

So come on by next Wednesday to see The Deuce rise once again from the ashes of self destruction. And celebrate the 50th birthday of my pal and one-of-a-kind Tom. And if you are lucky, you might just get to see his tadger. Or at least his finger.

Economics 101 as taught by Wheelgun Bob

"So, Wheelgun, what’s all this about the housing market-Fannie Mae-Freddy Mac-AIG-Lehman bailout bullshit?" I’m glad you axed me this question, you poor sods. Because now I will break it all down into easily digested nuggets that even readers of this blog can understand.

A few years back the money market funds were riding high on the coat tail of the 1990’s boom years. Prime real-estate and housing starts were up as well as sheds starts and outbuilding starts. Derivatives and leveraged debts outpaced the prime rate by an average of 3.7 points for the decade. Consumer debt was trending upwards but the trickle down from the stock market combined with the over exuberance of the dot com era (not to mention the dot org and dot edu eras) caused troubled assets to rebound into the early 2000's. As stagflation started to rear its ugly head, investors panicked and fled the money market funds and 401Ks, and next thing you know all this trending upwards hit a glass ceiling and had to overcorrect the housing market hedge funds. Then the bubble burst. The price of crude went sky high as the price of being crude went down. Due to the lack regulation oversight, regulation went wild and made investors do things they wouldn’t normally do such as wearing latex bondage gear. Then the Fed stepped up and stepped in it. With mortgage forecloses at a record high due to sub-prime lending coupled with the increasing costs of foot long subs, durable goods, pork bellies and mountain oyster orders tanked. Next thing you know, the Treasury bought up troubled assets which made the bond markets (all except George Lazenby's) go into a downward spiral and join the money market funds and 401Ks cowering under pregnant ants.

It seems simple when I explain it doesn’t it?

P.S. Feel free to use cut and paste and re-arrange the sentences any way you would like. It all makes about the same amount of sense-

The price of crude went sky high as the price of being crude went down.With mortgage forecloses at a record high due to sub-prime lending coupled with the increasing costs of foot long subs, durable goods, pork bellies and mountain oyster orders tanked.Then the Fed stepped up and stepped in it. Next thing you know, the Treasury bought up troubled assets which made the bond markets (all except George Lazenby's) go into a downward spiral and join the money market funds and 401Ks cowering under pregnant ants. A few years back the money market funds were riding high on the coat tail of the 1990’s boom years. Derivatives and leveraged debts outpaced the prime rate by an average of 3.7 points for the decade. Then the bubble burst. Prime real-estate and housing starts were up as well as sheds starts and outbuilding starts. As stagflation started to rear its ugly head, investors panicked and fled the money market funds and 401Ks, and next thing you know all this trending upwards hit a glass ceiling and had to overcorrect the housing market hedge funds. Due to the lack regulation oversight, regulation went wild and made investors do things they wouldn’t normally do such as wearing latex bondage gear. Consumer debt was trending upwards but the trickle down from the stock market combined with the over exuberance of the dot com era (not to mention the dot org and dot edu eras) caused troubled assets to rebound into the early 2000's.

Due to the lack regulation oversight, regulation went wild and made investors do things they wouldn’t normally do such as wearing latex bondage gear. Next thing you know, the Treasury bought up troubled assets which made the bond markets (all except George Lazenby's) go into a downward spiral and join the money market funds and 401Ks cowering under pregnant ants. With mortgage forecloses at a record high due to sub-prime lending coupled with the increasing costs of foot long subs, durable goods, pork bellies and mountain oyster orders tanked. Then the bubble burst. Derivatives and leveraged debts outpaced the prime rate by an average of 3.7 points for the decade. Then the Fed stepped up and stepped in it. Consumer debt was trending upwards but the trickle down from the stock market combined with the over exuberance of the dot com era (not to mention the dot org and dot edu eras) caused troubled assets to rebound into the early 2000's. A few years back the money market funds were riding high on the coat tail of the 1990’s boom years. As stagflation started to rear its ugly head, investors panicked and fled the money market funds and 401Ks, and next thing you know all this trending upwards hit a glass ceiling and had to overcorrect the housing market hedge funds. Prime real-estate and housing starts were up as well as sheds starts and outbuilding starts. The price of crude went sky high as the price of being crude went down.

Deadliest Snatch

I was pleased at first when John McCain made his choice for vice presidential running mate thinking he had chosen Michael Palin not Sarah Palin. Then I thought about it and realized that Michael is not a native born American so he couldn’t become president if, God forbid, John McCain assumed room temperature. Actually, Sarah Palin might prove to be a lot more entertaining than Monty Python funny man Michael Palin.

And who am I to criticize a person who can field dress a moose? I mean, what other qualifications do you need to be president? Take our current president (please!) for example. He knew nothin’ ‘bout nothin’ ‘cept clearin’ brush ‘round the ranch and he’s been president over 7 years. Some might say that’s because he’s had the steady, if evil, hands of Darth Cheney and other neoconservatives guiding his every move.

See, Republicans prefer candidates that aren’t intellectually curious (don’t-you-dare-ask-any-questions-it-will-only-get-you-in-trouble-besides-everything-is-in-God’s-hands-anyway) and have a strong faith (faith always trumps empirical evidence, in other words it tumps REALITY). Why? Because they are much more easily manipulated than someone who needs good reasons to do things. And the neoconjob cabal are licking their chops (and wish they could be licking her cunny) with Sarah Palin. She believes the world is only 6,000 years old and that the End Of Days are almost at hand. So?

So here it is: If you believe that the Earth is only 6,000 years old and they should teach that as science in schools, then you obviously don’t give a rat’s tit about reality. I happen to think that any potential president should have a firm grasp on reality and will actually consider evidence before reacting to any given situation. And if you believe that the End Of Days is near then you don’t particularly care to save the Earth or any of its inhabitants since not only is that God’s job but you are one of the chosen few who will asend to heaven after the rupture, er, rapture. Scarier still is that this might become a self fulfilling prophecy for a president since he/she has the means to nudge it along by starting wars (without any input from that pesky Congress). Shit, the Taliban would be proud.

But what about McCain? Isn’t he the actual presidential candidate? Yes, and as tightly as the Republicans now hold this former "maverick's" short and curlies, that wasn’t always the case and they needed a signal that he was going to toe the line. That signal was Sarah Palin. And man, oh man how the Republicans love Sarah Palin! I mean there must be a blob of collective Republican jiz still orbiting the Earth after McCain’s announcement. She is a bikini MILF with machine guns! Who would you rather see in thigh-highs and garters, Sarah Palin or Joe Biden? Me too!

I am so glad John McAnus choose Sarah Palin to be his running mate. Despite the fact that the Dems did choose a scary negro to be their standard bearer, they all come off as boring, smart-ass policy wonks. They may be right but they sure as hell ain't entertaining! Don't get me wrong - I will vote for Mr. Obama since he is smart and actually represents "change" (unfortunately probably not enough change) despite the fact I'm a beer drinkin' Nascar watchin' supporter of the 2nd amendment (as well as the 4th, unlike most Republicans). Hell, I don't even drink lattes or speak no foreign languages! So I got conservo cred. Shit, I even shop at Walmart!


I will leave you guys with a list of facts about Ms. Plain - Sorry! - Mrs. Palin:

1. She has a vagina. And a clitoris. Plus the usual assortment of female junk such as labias majora and minora, mons veneris, Bartholin glands, etc.

2. She is a life time member of the NRA. (You said "member")

3. She sports a hefty pair of mammary glands.

4. She refers to her husband Todd as "The First Dude."

5. The "First Dude" apparently has a snowmobile that can do over 150 MPH. Hopefully he stays sober when he drives it unlike his automobiles.

6. The "First Dude" works part time on oil rigs. He no doubt has a significant rig himself otherwise he would not be "First Dude."

7. She refers to herself as a "hockey mom" although I doubt she ever actually drops off/picks up her kids from hockey practice.

8. Her teenage daughter is pregnant and not married. So much for "abstinence only" sex education. Maybe telling her daughter about the little rubber thingy would have been a good thing.

9. She decided to give birth to a Downs syndrome baby after being tested but she doesn't want to give any other women that choice. I hope, like a true conservative, she refuses any state/federal assistance. Ya, right.

10. Her cooter tastes like Alaskan king crab.

conCERN

You bet your sweet perineum I’m concerned! Those crazy Swiss are at it again. Why can’t they just stick to drilling holes in cheese? Instead they’ve gone galloping off half-cocked and created the world’s largest particle accelerator. Why? To collide particles together to see what they are made out of (and wouldn’t it be hilarious if they found that the Higgs boson particle was actually dog shit?). On the face of it, it seems innocuous enough but there could be dangers lurking in this miniature realm of massive energies. For example, this from an article about The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at CERN:

“The world's most powerful particle accelerator to date, the system is designed to recreate the conditions that existed a millionth of a millionth of a second after the Big Bang, or the birth of the universe”.

See any potential problems there? Exactly! Why do you suppose they call it the BIG BANG? Jesus! And some are predicting that the damned thing will create a black hole that will gobble up most of Europe (hopefully leaving the nude beaches in southern France alone). Unless of course it gags on a Renault.

You might think these concerns are far fetched. Not me. You see, I should know a thing or two about these matters since I was a physics major in college for about a month. Actually I’m worried the LHC might piss off some interdimensional being that will then sodomize Zurich with it's  anti-matter phallus.

Of course, there could be positives. Maybe a rip in the time-space continuum will appear and we can go back in time and warn the American people about George Bush or warn Tom Brady about Bernard Pollard.

Hey!

[Ed. Note: Wheelgun Bob has finally come to terms with us and will start blogging again. The negotiations were tough but a huge signing bonus in conjunction with our interns Heidi and Brittany’s persuasive quaffing of Wheelgun’s manhood finally did the trick. Keep in mind that his opinions in no way reflect normal Euclidian reality.]

O.K., it’s been a year since my last witty, profound, life altering, bowel impacting blog. The first thing I’m going to do is have a contest for you, my adoring, rapacious fans. You get to decide the first sentence of my first blog back (this current blog does not count – it’s a “pre-blog” as it were). Here are some suggestions you can vote on. Or you can submit your own (keep in mind I will take full credit for it).

1. Man, are you fuckers ever lucky!
2. Your prayers have been answered.
3. You can end the candlelight vigils now.
4. Yo, yo Wheegun b in da house reprezentin da south side o’ New Hampshire, bizatchez!
5. That’s not my wedding ring, that’s my watch!
6. Hey guys, what have you been up to lately?
7. It is my solemn duty to inform you of blah, blah, blah…
8. God blesh ‘merka!
9. 1-2-3-4!
10. Do you suppose we can get Michael Vick or is he still in jail?
11. Get yur spill buckets ready!
12. Ug not bug, squa shit!
13. Grab your ankles and prepare to be boarded!
14. The end is near and here’s proof.
15. Sarah Palin’s vagina!
16. Let me tell you about the shit I just took.

So, here we go. Let me know what you guys think (assuming you guys actually think and, if so, give a shit)