Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Next Time I Will Bring Some Dollar Bills With Me

I made the mistake of going to the doctor's today. I went because my sinuses have been bothering me plus I had a twenty in my wallet to spend on a good time.

Now, the usual nurse there is good looking enough. But she was out today. Her replacement was down right awe inspiring. She looked like she should be doing pole dances instead of taking blood pressures. She took my blood pressure and gasped at how high it was. Perhaps if she didn't have her phenomenal winnebagos so close to my face, my BP would be closer to normal. Not that I felt like complaining. It would of been better though if she had cuffed my middle leg instead of my left arm.

After that fine experience, the doctor showed up. First thing he noticed was how much weight I've gained since the last time I saw him. Well fuck that. I don't need a lecture on diet and exercise when all I need is a prescription for some anti-biotics.

So it looks like I'm going on a diet. And when I go to the gym now, I really need to work out at least a little instead of just oogling the chicky-boo hard bodies. Life sucks. Thank god whiskey has no calories.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Kick The Shit Out Of Me, Trinity

So, we meet again. And It's been awhile. As some of you may know, I have been having a wee bit of difficulty with one of my roommates as of late. But blog on I must! Despite the distractions, I have been paying at least some attention to the world at large. And here are some goddamned thoughts about it:

OK, first off, my obligatory rant about how hypocritical Republicans are involves that poor brain dead woman in Florida. The Repubs thought they could make hay out of her tragic situation for political gain. This from the party of small, unobtrusive government? I don't care what that situation is in Florida, the federal gummint needs to not get involved in those things. Leave us the fuck alone, you hypocritical, big-brother assholes!

My nephew BFace has a blog. Well, almost. He hasn't written anything on it yet last thing I checked. He is making his first tentative steps into blogdom. Don't worry, BFace, It will hurt a bit at first and you will bleed for a day or two but it will be worth it! His efforts will take some of the burden of entertaining/enlightening you assholes off my shoulders. Of course his blog might not be entertaining or enlightening. Might just be spectacularly bizarre. Or maybe he will never write anything on it, thus making some minimalist point.

I want the chick named Trinity from the Matrix movies. She could kick the shit out of me any day. I'm used to getting the shit kicked out of me by women. But she would look great while doing it.

I have invited my pal Peg to view this blog (sorry, Peg). One of my favorite memories of her is when I carried her around on my back at Bread And Puppet Theatre. She had been in a very bad motorcycle accident and had a leg encased in scaffolding. A whole group of us started singing "Leg thing, leg thing, please look out for the leg thing!" so people wouldn't bump into it. She's a great person.

I feel guilty but I haven't really followed spring training this year. My little life has been too fucked up lately. But here are my thoughts on steroids in baseball: Let them take the 'roids! If they are dumb enough to want to grow their biceps and shrink their testicles, let them. Just give them only two strikes instead of three.

I've got to join a pistol range again soon. Target shooting is, believe it or not, very peaceful and Zen like. You must close your mind down and still your body. Of course a gravel pit is good too especially if you find a lot of junk to shoot. I invite The Cod God to tell the story of the last time we went shooting together. And BFace, remember the time up in Madbury? Good times.

Well I must be off to continue wallowing in my misfortunes. I will try to update this blog more often. Lucky you.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Just Some Fucking Shit

Thank your lucky stars, those of you who do not work in a corporate environment. And those of you who don’t work at all, well I just wish I could be one of you. My job blows dead dog (believe it or not, I euphemized that).

When I first started, I was a bit overwhelmed and intimidated working in an IT department for a big company in Beverly Mass. Now I’m not. The more I learn, the more I realize how full of shit, stupid and lazy people there are. Not to mention vindictive, mean and selfish. I just wish I could be making muffins or selling toys again.

My nephew The Cod God should have his own radio show. Just check out his recent tirades. He loves to go on about environmentalists using silly anecdotes like all the right wing talk show hosts do but with a little more panache. Maybe he can get on the government payroll like a lot of the right wing media types are these days. Just don’t tell them you are really a liberal, Cod God. And I don’t mean that as an insult. After all, Jesus was a… oh, never mind. Don’t want to get B-Face riled up again.

My sister, Sister Wheel Gun (a.k.a. Mamma Cod God) flew to Ireland last night. I think The Cod God and I should each do a blog about her while she is away from her computer for a couple weeks. Maybe we can convince the blog-adverse B-Face to do one as well. She is an awesome potential blog subject.

Shit. That’s about it. I’m spent. Work sucked tonight. I wish I could go on, as I’m sure do.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

He Said "Pole"

Well, here I go. I've got my paper towels, hand cream and naked pictures of Hillary Swank. I'm ready to blog!

This blog might not be up to my consistantly lofty standards because I don't feel that great. Actually, I feel as though I've been teabagged by an elephant. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, you see. This was due to the damned snow storm we had. I got home after a harrowing drive but couldn't park near my house because of the parking ban. So I went downtown and parked in the parking garage thinking I could get a taxi home. Only the taxis weren't running due to the weather. Yes, it was that bad.

Now my sister, Wheel Gun Mika (a.k.a. Momma Cod God), is known to call me on the cell phone at all hours of the night inviting me over to "pound some Jack." It was about 2AM and I was settled in my car about to fall asleep when she called. Good thing. I was getting cold. So I walked the couple of blocks to her house feeling like Ernest Shackleton at the South Pole.

We were up till who knows when polishing off a fifth of JD. Then I took a nap, visited the lovely ladies at Ceres Bakery across the alley way from my sister's and headed home. Jesus, what a night.

My new car is a Toyota Cellica. It rules. Drives well in the snow and has a fucking CD player. I broke the car in well last night on the ride home in the storm, though. I lost a hub cap and probably took an inch off the clutch trying to get un-stuck at one point. It still has that new car smell us men love so much. That's the second best smell in the world. What is the first? Well it sure the hell ain't bacon.

I must get back to work now. I'm trying to stay awake. I've got more shit on my mind and I will spew it forth in my usual eloquent, understated way as soon as I recover fully from my recent travails.


O.K., I'm still working on that blog. Just wait until I tell you about my ride home last night in the blinding snow storm. Good thing I have a NEW CAR! And good thing I have a sister to rescue me! Thank you, Wheel Gun Mika. I owe you big.

So here's the deal. I want to get a vanity plate for the new beast. I need suggestions. I already thought of "IT-FAG." Check the DMV site out. Let me know what you come up with.

And I will have that blog for you soon. Christ, I'm growing a third nut just to store all my blog ideas.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Get The Paper Towels Ready

Don't worry! I not dead (yet)! I've just been too fucking busy to blog. But I'm not giving it up. I will have one posted soon. It's just like not having masturbated for a few days- the results will be copious. I've got lotsa shit to go on about. Hang in there, my faithful followers.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Night Of The Long Piss

Sorry to dump on you guys again. I'm just really angry and depressed. And blogging is cheaper than therapy. So let me tell you about my last 24 hours.

Of course a Nor'Easter blew in last night while I was at work. I think about the last 15 fucking snow storms have blown in just in time for me to drive home in them. But this one was the worst by far.

Down here in lovely Beverly Mass it was a howling white out when I got out of work at midnight. I barely made it across the parking lot to get in my piece-of-shit car. The snow/sleet was blowing horizontally so hard that it filled my left ear. Once in my car, I started it up and cranked up the heat. Only the heat didn't come on. The blower was busted. I checked the fuses and even pulled out the controls to see if a wire was loose but that wasn't the case.

I scraped the snow and ice off the car and decided to try to drive home. I got as far as the front gate of the parking lot (1/4 mile). The windshield was icing way too fast for the wipers to handle and the inside was fogging up with everybreath I took. I couldn't see a damned thing. So I went back. What to do? Nothing. I wouldn't have made it to the nearest motel.

The third shift guy either felt sorry for me or he got really sick and tired of me being there and of my sarcastic sense of humor (one of my coping mechanisms) and at about 2:00AM, said "let's get the fuck out of here. I've got goddamned four wheel drive. I'll take you the fuck home." I wasn't going to argue. Glen is ex-military and when he sees a challenge, he won't back down.

Now one of my many ailments is gout. These very painful crystals will form in my joints and it will feel like sheet metal screws and broken glass doing the lambada. If my feet get really cold, and I get dehydrated, I'm almost assured of getting an attack. And I had frozen my feet trying to fix my damned blower. So I started drinking. I had a couple of 20oz cokes to keep myself awake and then I started pounding water. Lots of it.

And when Glen said "let's go!" I went without going to the bathroom first. Oops. My bladder was screaming. But I didn't want to ask Glen to pull over in the middle of this fucking Nor'Easter so I could relieve myself. Plus he thinks I'm enough of a looser as it is. Good thing he drove fast. Normally I would have been scared out of my wits, but I just wanted to piss so fucking bad I didn't care about all the cars off the road. Or the fact he was passing plows in the breakdown lane. Or fishtailing all over the place. I just wanted to piss my brains out! Good god.

Well, I made it home and had the longest piss of my life. I got up early the next AM to find a portable windshield heater. I eventually found one for $60! And the thing's a piece of shit and doesn't really work. I know that because the mini-van I borrowed to get to work in tonight has no fucking heat so I got to try it out.

So I'm tired and pissed-off and depressed. What else is new?