Saturday, August 11, 2007

Pre-Season Footbore

It looks like it might be clear tonight. If it is, be sure to check out the Presied meteor showers. No doubt you expect me now to launch into one of my half cocked rants about possible alien activity during astronomical events. Not this time, boys and girls. This blog will be about pre-season football and pre-season football only. Although, maybe I should at least give you a brief warning first. Couldn’t hurt, you know.

I mean, what would be a better time to attack Earth than during a meteor shower? With all those lights whizzing around up there they could easily sneak a battalion of flying saucers through without anyone knowing the difference. And the small added burden of carrying a hefty scatter gun (loaded with double-aught buck of course) around with you where ever you go just might be worth it to prevent you from becoming some green blooded bastard’s bitch.

Well, that’s it. Except that you might also want prepare your house. Nothing crazy here, just make sure you have enough non-perishable food and plenty of fresh water for yourself and family on hand so when the government goes down in the face of the alien onslaught you can survive on your own. Having large stock piles of ammo, although seen as weird by some, might not be a bad idea either. But be sure to check your local town/city ordinances before doing something seemingly nutty but potentially useful like stockpiling anti-tank and fully automatic weaponry. One place you don’t want to be when the invasion starts is in jail!

Don’t get too paranoid but always keep an eye on your friends and family. If they start acting stranger than normal, always consider the possibility that their bodies are under an otherworldly influence. Obvious signs might include suddenly talking in a slow, monotone voice or refusing to drink beer. You might want to prepare a list of questions that only they would know the answers to such as “How many DWIs do I have?” or “What year were we married?” if you are asking your wife or “What year did you get the Workmate?” if you were asking your husband.

Pets are always important in an alien invasion scenario. Apart from being a handy emergency source of food, they can provide comfort in a crisis. Dogs could potentially tell if their masters were human or not. Goldfish might be able to communicate with the aliens. And hamsters might frighten them away.

So, anyway, back to pre-season football: It’s really dumb.

my pecker is truly longer than world

Now aren’t you fuckers lucky! Yes, it’s true – ol’ Wheel Gun Bob is back and loaded for bull. So back your asses up and prepare to be pumped full of knowledge/truth/entertainment from the throbbing mind of yours truly.

“So Wheel Gun,” I can hear your breathless post orgasm voices ask, “What brings you back after such a long layoff?” Boredom. Yup, sheer and stupefying boredom. I’m here at work on a gorgeous Saturday filling in for a vacationing co-worker. I have a couple hours of down time in between performing terrifying Unix server back-up procedures and I can’t surf porn here at work (actually I could ‘cause I’m an IT fag but not worth the risk). So you fortunate little bee-yotches will be the beneficiaries of this woeful situation I find myself in.

Now, what to go on about? Perhaps the usual crap? Why the fuck not! Let’s start with politics (I can hear the collective groan):

Not in my whole life have I ever seen such an outstanding array of jack-asses running for president. Great god in heaven, what a bunch of pandering sacks of shit. As is usually the case, the Republicans are far worse than the Democrats which is saying a lot since the Democratic candidates are pathetic shit stains.

[I just got this email –

Princesses always hee-hawed at me and even fellows did in the free comfort station!Well, now I giggl at them, because I took Meg, a dik. for 4 months and now my pecker is truly longer than world.

Gotta love spam]

Now Let us start with the lowly Dems. Barak Obama, trying to prove that he will be tough on terrorism despite his name, said he would attack “high value targets” in Pakistan with or without President/coup leader Perverse Musharraf’s permission. Now, I’m not saying he shouldn’t, but announcing it to the world at this point doesn’t help a damn thing. It only makes Musharraf’s job of dealing with the fly attracting fundamentalists in Pakistan that much more difficult. Stupid.

John Edwards. I don’t give a gerbil’s balls about how much he spends on his haircuts. I can’t stand his lispy southern accent. And a word of advice: Completely ignore that see-you-next-Tuesday Ann Coulter.

Hillary. Panders almost as much as a Republican. And da bitch voted to authorize the war. ‘Nuff said.

The Republican candidates. Wow. I need to take a deep breath to say something here - I would rather have George W. Bush serve another term in office than let any of these rectum dwelling whores become president. I mean, have you heard any of the debates? I wouldn’t let these guys run a fruit and vegetable stand let alone a country.

Here are some things I learned that you need to believe in order to be a successful* Republican nominee for president: Iraq was responsible for 9/11, The Iraq war was a good idea and should be continued, Iran is next, all Muslims are al Qaeda terrorists, liberals/Democrats torture kittens before they boil them alive and eat them, the government should make sure this is a God fearing Christian country, global warming is a hoax perpetrated by Al Gore and other Marxists, dinosaurs and humans co-existed not too long ago, every sperm is sacred, women should know their place, health care is for us rich folk, not only was Gitmo wise but it should be expanded, torture is OK, unchecked government surveillance on its citizens is a good thing, we need to lower taxes so we have to borrow more money from China and, last but not least, fags are ruining this country! Makes your head spin, don’t it? *Ron Paula will not be successful.

I truly despise Giuliani. Notice how all the workers and emergency personnel at 9/11 have a seething hatred for this supposed “hero” of 9/11? And nobody equates 9/11 with Iraq more than Giuliani except maybe Darth Cheney. He was a shitty mayor before, during and after the towers fell. His own kids hate him. His pets probably can’t stand him.

Master flip-flopper Mitt Romney will be a god send to the Democrats if he is the Republican nominee. Speaking of god, I love the way these Republicans try to out god each other. Now, I don’t particularly care what religion you are as long as it doesn’t interfere with your logical thought process and you don’t try to shove it up my ass. But being a Mormon is just weird.

McCain is the worst panderer of the lot. Remember when he sucked Jerry Falwell’s tiny tadger after pissing off all the god freaks last time around? And he is head cheerleader for the Iraq war disaster. I would like to kick him in the pom-poms.

So who should you vote for? Me.