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Happy goddamned days are here again, my cyber minions! Yes, I am going to pinch off a “random thoughts” blog! Who-ha! No need to give yourselves that daily colon blow today! I want to write a whole bunch more sentences that end with an exclamation point! But I won’t! So here it goes!

Egypt: Those wacky hieroglyphics writing, camel riding, sideways walking Egyptians are at it again. Not content with building the pyramids and The Sphinxter, they want human rights as well. And to show the world this, they do what all repressed people do - they turn cars over in the street and set fire to shit. I don’t blame them. Americans just do that when their particular sports team happens to win the big game. So I say to Hosni Mubarak “turn the fucking internet back on, stop oppressing your people and get to work on another damned pyramid.” Shit, I would be grumpy too if I couldn’t look at a little G on G action on the web every day.

Congresswoman Giffords: Thank god she is on the mend. Too bad others had to die. There is a factory somewhere in this great land of ours working overtime mass producing these lunatics who think shooting people will serve god/the constitution/mind controlling sock-puppet or will defend themselves against the CIA/commies/aliens/liberals/mind controlling sock-puppet. I say instead of further eroding our 2nd amendment rights in the wake of this tragedy, how about passing out Nerf guns to all the wing nuts and claim the little orange bullets will magically destroy all their enemies?

Health care: I love the way these fat, wealthy congressmen, drunk from healthcare industry donations, want to repeal “Obama care” (AKA “Romney care” lest you forget). We should require that any of those fuckers who vote against health care reform must terminate their own government healthcare for themselves and their families. Although I doubt it would matter since most are millionaires who can afford even the most expensive healthcare or can just throw down a few Benjamins out of their moist wallets whenever they get a rectal exam.

R.I.P. The New England Patriots: Too painful still to talk about. But, on the bright side for Wheel Gun Bob-ophiles at least, I will be posting my always hilarious, informative and deadly accurate Super Bowl blog this week. Stay tuned!

Wasilla Wild Woman v. New Hampshire

On the heels of the outstanding success of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” I will be submitting a proposal to The Learning Channel for my own series entitled “Wheel Gun Bob’s New Hampshire.” It will show the following:

We can easily out gun Sarah. Tour of gun stores, shooting ranges and gravel pits of NH. We will hunt abandoned cars, split engine blocks, vaporize junked TVs and cut down trees with hot lead. And may god help any liberal squirrels who scamper into range.

My family is more dysfunctional than the Palins. Although in reality no family is as dysfunctional as the Palin brood, I will nonetheless gather my family together in front of the cameras with a keg, spud guns and black gunpowder to show the world what happens. Hijinks will ensue!

The natural beauty of New Hampshire. From the majestic White Mountains to the corner of Main St. and Collins in Seabrook, from the flume in Franconia Notch State Park to Tippy Toe Alley in Epping, viewers will see that we blow Alaska away as far as natural beauty goes. And to drive the point home, I will include some serious T&A shots from Hampton Beach.

We aren’t a state of elitist stuck-ups Like New York. Will interview some solid New Hampshire citizens at the Daniel Street Tavern at 1AM on a Saturday morning and at Gilley’s an hour after that. Salt of the earth, good old American drunkenness. Not a latte sipping egghead will be seen anywhere.

New Hampshire worships the Christian god as much as any Tea-bagger does. We will treat viewers to some serious Muslim harassment. Just as soon as a Muslim person shows up in New Hampshire.

It will be riveting TV.