Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Moe-mar, Larry-mar, Curly-mar

I was trying to put the day's woes behind me by enjoying a little girl-on-girl action on the web but every time they showed a close up of a labia I would think of Libya. Damn. So I decided I should probably perform my public duty and explain this whole Libyan fiasco to you, the mindless devotees of Wheel Gun Bob.

Here is the deal – dictator Mom-mar Qaddafi (Note - I have relied upon Open Office spell check to render his name properly but this may not be correct) is a raging kwack-sucka with out a doubt. He treats his peeps like shit. Always has. He even had the gall to blow up a 747 over bonnie wee Scotland. One of our idiot presidents (wow – which one?) even tried to kill him with a cruise missile but ended up killing his daughter instead. Mission-a-fucking-complished.

Recently it seems that “we” have had an understanding with the big Mo. He just had to provide us with oil, not threaten Israel too much and keep the fly attracting fundamentalists at bay. But guess what? He lost control!

So despite the fact we are broke, at least according to the opportunistic, shit-feasting Republican teabaggers, this country just spent well over a hundred million dollars yesterday to try to defend “freedom” from Mommar Ghaddaffi (once again - its not like his last name is “Fitzgerald” - in other words, open to interpretation). Man, you would think he was a member of the teachers union!

Bottom line in my mind is that President Obama did something that was unconstitutional and declared a war without Congressional approval.

I will now, and will forever forward, refer to Obama as “Bush Jr”.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

A Warning From Wheel Gun Reptilicus

Some NASA scientist opened up a meteorite and found what he thinks is evidence of extraterrestrial biology. I don’t think alien bugs crawled out exactly, which would have been great, but an electron microscope did find what appear to be bacteria like fossils. Ah! So perhaps life began somewhere besides Earth. Maybe those crafty aliens were “seeding” our planet while it was in its primordial state. Or maybe life on Earth evolved alongside the seeded alien life. That annoying moron in the cube next to you might be a secret lizard person descended from alien seed!

It’s well established fact that reptilian humanoids control humanity. Maybe they came to this earth via a comet a few billion years ago. Whatever their origins, we need to be on the lookout for them. And I don’t mean just the obvious ones like Kris Kristofferson or Hillary Clinton. I’m talking about your mailman or the reclusive lady next door. Here are some sure fire ways to uncover them.

Carry meal worms with you at all times. If someone starts sniffing at the air near you and asks “do you have meal worms in your pocket?,” say “no! I’m just glad to see you” and run like hell.

Causally engage them in conversation and tell them your favorite TV show is Man vs. Wild especially the episode where he bites the head off the lizard. If you notice a serious wince and then a look of extreme anger, make for the hills.

If you see someone sun themselves on rocks while naked, I would tend to be suspicious. Also, if they despise winter be very suspicious. Offer to take them on a Caribbean cruise. If they say “yes,” get the hell out of Dodge.

So be wary the Reptilians, my friends. Keep both eyes wide open for them, swiveling them independently if you can like I do.