Monday, May 23, 2011


I actually had to go to work today which is normally bad enough but, since on Friday I thought I would never have to work again, it’s even worse. See, I am suffering from post-rapture depressive syndrome. I am painfully pissed that I’m not in heaven with my 72 virgins and most of the rest of the world is not in the throes of natural disasters and zombie revolts. Fuck this shit. On the bright side, there are far more than 72 virgins where I work. Too bad they are all men. So I guess I am going to have to pull myself together and get on with life. “The end is nigh” my ass.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

A-Gone, All-Gone

Adrian Gonzales sure can pound the shit out of the ball. The Sox are starting their climb to the top of the American League East. Too bad there won't be a World Series since the end is nigh! At 6:00PM tonight, the rupture, er, rapture is taking place. So this will be my last blog ever unless I can blog from heaven. I just hope I will get my 72 virgins. You poor sinners will be left on earth to fend off armies of zombies and Republicans. Have fun!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Osama Bin Bukake

Turns out the world’s most evil person, Osama Bin Laden, was a porn freak. It’s been claimed by the White House that the Navy Seals who ventilated Osama’s head found a cache not of weapons of mass destruction but weapons of masturbation. Love it. I can just picture the old bearded goat fucker contentedly spit shining the old water pump while watching “Barnyard Antics 4.” I wonder if he screamed “Allah Akbar!” when he blew his little load.

You wonder why anyone with a whole bunch of wives would need to watch porn. He probably had plenty of sheep and goats handy as well. Maybe he would get his trusted advisors together for a circle jerk. They would all yell “ba-la-la-la-la-la” and “death to America!” as they launched their liquid progeny. Perhaps they were all into an Islamic version of bukake and Osama’s courier would look like a Honey Dew glazed donut after they were all done.

Or, who knows, maybe porn to those pricks was just looking at a woman's ankle. Maybe they were watching “Ankles of Bagdad 4.”

In any case, too bad Osama Bin Laden will miss the Navy Seal snuff film starring Osama Bin Laden.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Good God

That swinging dick “billionaire” Donald Trump has taken his hat out of the ring for the Republican presidential nomination. But don’t worry, that still leaves a menagerie of other wing-nuts and jackasses to amuse and horrify us. It’s fun to watch them try to out right wing each other. Eventually one of them will just come out with a rope and call for the lynching of that uppity Obama.

I have fashioned a quick speech these pig fuckers can use to get their red meat sucking constituents howling and salivating.

I’m glad I could be here today. Obama hates white people. America is the greatest country God ever invented which he did so shortly after creating the earth six thousand years ago. He made the countries alphabetically so we came first. Too bad about the Zulus! We win, zu-lose! [wait for laughter to die down] Speaking of Zulus, Obama’s from Africa and he is a radical fundamentalist Muslim socialist atheist liberal who wants our guns to help pay for his Obama care!

If elected president of this great land, I would get rid of all taxes except for those on sharia law and immigrants. I would use the revenue to pay for the defense budget exclusively. A healthy defense industry is the key to a healthy economy. A rising tide floats all boats especially destroyers and aircraft carriers. Obama hates God.

I would get rid of all the departments such as NPR, the Department of Education, the NEA, HUD, EPA, etc. Well, I would keep NASCAR but that’s it! Hell, the only people out of work will be liberals. Maybe I will tax their lattes too.

This god fearing country needs a strong leader who will stand up to the single moms, welfare queens and teenage girls seeking abortions who are destroying us. And we need someone who is not afraid to lob cruise missiles anywhere in the world whenever Israeli or the United States feel the least bit threatened.

I am the man for the job! Obama hates America. I was born in this country! I believe in God!

God bless America. And God bless God.
There you have it. Took me three minutes to write. Maybe I will whore myself out and become Mitt Romney’s speech writer.

Monday, May 02, 2011

Osama Bin Fishfood

Ding dong the witch is dead. Or at least the Al-Qaida leader is dead. I guess a whole bunch of flies will be without employment since they won’t have Osama Bin Laden to orbit anymore. It took long enough. Too bad we had to go gallivanting off into Iraq for years before we finally gave Bin Laden a third eye. And the ironic thing is it was ordered by our president whom everyone knows is a secret mooslum who hates America. Will wonders ever cease?

So can we now get back to the bidniz of America which is bidniz, yo? Can we leave the Muslim countries to their own devices now? Let’s dig out that “Mission Accomplished” banner Bush had made and add a “It’s about fucking time” banner, display them at ground zero and move on.

P.S. Is that pig fucker Donald Trump going to demand to see Bin Laden’s long form death certificate?