Watching Jupiter 2 is more fun than sandpapering an alligator’s asshole in a phone booth

Now here's some good news. My band, Jupiter 2, is playing The Press Room in Portsmouth in support of Hot Rod Fury (HRF) Saturday, May 6th.

Rumor has it that the famed Dr. Porksword (see last couple posts) has been talked into playing bass with us. He has been in seclusion ever since he last played a gig with us three years ago. He had a bad trip that night from licking toads or something and flipped out on us. We found out later that he had walked all the way to Weare NH and has been holed up in some hovel ever since. An enterprising fan recently located him and is currently trying to get the good Doctor to wear clothes again. He also apparently needs a bass since he sold his last one in order to buy a couple hundred rolls of aluminum foil.

HRF is an instrumental band that doesn't feature the talents of Deuce alum Jim Teirney anymore. As a matter of fact, I wasn't originally keen on doing this gig since Jim got kicked out of HRF and he's a real good pal. But I don't think Jim would give a shit. Plus we are whores.

HRF has a hot chick drummer. It's always amusing to watch us fight over who gets to sniff the drum stool after they play.

Jupiter 2 will be featuring all new material. That is, all new to anyone who has never seen us before.

More Of The Famous Letters Of Lord Fuckworth To Dr. Porksword

Dear Dr. Porksword:

My perineum has been disingenuous lately. Shoud I be concerned or is this just a phase?

-Lord Fuckworth



Lord Fuckworth:

First consider its position...between some rocks and a fart place. Your perenium is bound to experience some ups and downs. Try cheering it up by wearing some flowery panties. Throw a party for your perineum, invite mutual friends and choose a theme (cowboys & indians for example). How about some simple conversation? People tend to neglect their perineum because its out of sight and out of mind. Purchase a hand mirror and periodically hold casual conversations while driving or at work. Remember, your perineum is not just there to seperate the shithouse from the yogurt slinger...its there so you can ride motorcycles as well...or something...lost my train of...yeah.

Dr. Porksword.

The Famous Letters Of Lord Fuckworth To Dr. Porksword

Dear Dr. Porksword:

Is the act of defecating basically ass fucking yourself from the inside out?

- Lord Fuckworth


Dear Lord Fuckworth,

I have always viewed the asshole as a spiritual black hole of sorts. In contemplating my asshole (which I do on a daily basis, with mirrors and video equipment) I do not see a simple waste gate...but a magnificent tool of the gods. Its as if I am a pastry bag for the gods and they pick me up and squeeze me (spiritually) and I spread my brown frosting everywhere I go...frosting the world like my little cupcake.

Does that help?

Dr. Porksword.

Tits

This truly blows dog. I've been here at work since 8:00PM Saturday evening. I won't get to go home until 8AM today (Sunday). But I will try to make the best of it. And what could be better than crafting a blog for you, my dear fans. Not to worry, it won't contain anything new or exciting. Just an ordinary, workman like blog. So drop your drawers and away we go...

You notice I haven't done much Bush bashing as of late? No real need to. He is doing a good enough job of it himself. But I just read an article that truly disturbs me. Seems like the administration is preparing to go to war with Iran and - get this- are thinking of using nukes! Wow. Now I know the neoconservatives #1 objective in life is to keep Israel safe. Hell, that's the real reason they took out Saddam. But they don't seem to understand that what they are doing is making life a lot more difficult for Israel. That poor country will be obliterated. There is an Israeli who works here who just can't believe what's going on. That's why he's here. Shit, with friends like the neocons, you don't need any enemies.

Baseball season has started. The Red Sox are doing well. And Barry Bonds has yet to hit a homer despite having more steroids injected in him than a herd of cattle. At least he hasn't gotten a case of the worms like Jason Giambi did. Keep an eye on ole Barry though. He will be scooting his ass across the clubhouse floor soon enough.

Tits. I just felt typing the word "tits."

I may have mentioned this before, but my ultimate dream in life is to own general store in a small town somewhere. I always wanted to be able to say “The chain saw oil is down aisle three on the left hand side, Mr. Perkins.” Knowing my luck, a Home Depot and Wal-Mart would move in next door and I would be fucked. But I yearn for a simpler life. I would also sell guns and maybe even repair computers on the side. “Your registry’s all stove up, Mr. Perkins, that’s why she won’t boot, by Jesus.” Next time you guys are in a small town, let me know if you see any “for sale” signs on the local store.

Christ, it’s almost 5:15AM. Two and a half hours to go. And no one I know is up anymore to provide me with email banter. I have a busy day ahead of me too. I hope to get a least a nap in when I get home. Fuck this shit.

Wheel Gun Need New Gun

It's time for me to buy a new gun. Yup, it's been awhile. Aside from the small detail of figuring out where to get the money, I need to decide on the gun I will purchase. My neighbor's son works for Thompson Center Arms and he gave me their new catalog recently. I am partial to the Encore Pro Hunter. It's a single shot available in many calibers from a .22 Hornet up to a .416 Rigby. You could hunt humming birds one day and bull elephants the next.

I was also ogling the Smith & Wesson .500 double action revolver. My god what a monster. The 50 caliber bullet has over twice the muzzle energy of a .44 magnum. No engine block would be safe around me. It goes for just under $1K.

Actually, I wouldn't mind an over/under 12 gauge to go trap shooting with. As long as The Cod God isn't throwing the clay pigeons. He is always doing shit like slinging them upside down or right above the grass ("Look, a rabbit!") and disturbing my zen like concentration. And I promise not to shoot anyone if I go quail hunting.

Let me know what you guys think I should get. Also, don't forget to send along any financial contributions to the cause.