Friday, February 18, 2011

Federal Budgerigar

President Obama just submitted a federal budget that includes some cuts, but not enough to satisfy the blood thirsty teabaggers. My prodigious knowledge of economics belies the fact that I do not have a degree in the field but, degree or not, I will offer some advice to lawmakers on what they can safely slash from the budget. And some ideas to raise revenue.

Social Security

Raise the retirement age for women to at least 75 years since on average they out live men.


Cut the Pentagon budget by first cutting the Pentagon itself, making it the Quadragon. You could also make defense a for profit venture. Whenever we invade a country, make sure we pillage and plunder sufficiently to cover costs and then get sponsorships to turn the profit. “The Iraq War brought to you by Home Depot and Massengale Disposable Douches!” Put ads on the sides of warships, Humvees, helicopters, etc. Have all the apparel sponsored by Nike, Fruit Of The Loom and other clothing manufacturers. Have the MREs sponsored by White Castle or Burger King.


Require that all Senators and Congressmen/women relinquish their government sponsored healthcare. Those fuckers are all rich so they can afford their own healthcare. Preventive medicine – in order to get any government assistance you must get a high colonic administered every month by a lawmaker. Remember, the key to health is a healthy colon. Start death panels – Now we all know that Sarah Palin made the idea of “death panels” up to scare people but I say it’s a good idea. Besides, old people smell funny and are boring.

Huge mother fucking yard sale

Choose a Sunday and put all but the absolutely essential government property out for sale. Airforce 2, decommissioned subs, the space shuttles, SR-71s, furniture, paper clips, most of the Library of Congress, Area 51, all memorials, vehicles, etc. Sell the whole of Washington DC to Maryland. Sell the wildlife in the national parks to cat food companies and Chinese restaurants.

Shit, we would be running surpluses again in no time!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Chochem the Ancient One

My roommate is in his mid-80s according to an online cat age calculator, 16 in human years. He is half Siamese but is almost totally black. He is also totally deaf. I love standing behind him screaming his name and getting no response from him, not even an ear twitch. He will get frisky about once a day just after eating and then taking a number 2 in the litter box. This playfulness lasts about 45 seconds when he runs around a bit, gets half way in back of the book case and out again, and proceeds to run around a bit more. Then its nap time, his favorite pursuit. His other two favorite pastimes are yowling and puking.

Marley is very affectionate. He will jump up on you, put his paws around your neck and knead and nuzzle you while purring louder than a lawnmower. A nicer cat has never been born. It’s hard to get mad at him when he yowls like a sick rhinoceros at 4:30 in the morning wanting his damned breakfast.

He was a raging asshole as a kitten. I would sometimes have to barricade my bedroom door against him at night to get some sleep. Then he would get up on shelves and countertops and knock shit off until I paid attention to him. Believe me, he was “busy.” Always interesting to come home and see what he had fucked up while I was away. He was an adorable, fuzzy little ball of non-stop fun and destruction.

Now a creaky old beast, he sometimes has a hard time just jumping up on chairs. He is becoming increasingly clingy and needy. But he still has a nice shiny coat of fur and eats like a horse, keeping it down about half of the time. I think the old boy has a few years left in him. Hope the same can be said about me.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Fuck The Snow

Mother nature can get down on her icy knees and blow me. I’m sick of all this snow. Here I thought the one good thing about getting kicked out of my house would be that I wouldn’t have to do so much shoveling. The place I’m at now has three steps and about 5ft of sidewalk. Not much until the plows decide to use the area for snow storage. I don’t know what it is, the way the road bends, the plow drivers hate me, or what but after each snow storm there is a medium scale model of Mount Washington preventing me from opening the door. So shovel I must.

I am going to test out snow bombs. I will tightly wrap black gunpowder with strapping tape (so shrapnel won’t be an issue). Then I will choose a big mound of snow, poke a hole in it and insert my bomb. I want to know how much gunpowder is needed to flatten mounds of various sizes. BOOM! No more shoveling. So if you are around my neighborhood during the next storm you will know why it sounds like Bagdad.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Another Prediction Through the Uprights!

You have no doubt been anxiously awaiting my yearly Super Bowl blog. It is always a wealth of football information that you can memorize and impress your friends with at a Super Bowl party. And my predictions are so accurate some think I must have a time machine that teleports me a week into the future and back. Well, here it is in all its gridiron glory!

Now let’s get right down to business, shall we? Steelers vs. Packers. In the Super Bowl you have to bring your “A” game to the table and both teams must do this in order to get a shot at the Lombardi trophy. The key to a Steelers victory is to keep moving the chains down the field. They have to play ball-control offense. They have to establish their running and passing game. In order to win, the Packers must make plays on both sides of the ball, play the full 60 minutes, and put more points on the board than the Steelers. They have to stop the big play. Both teams will have to step up their red zone D. You see, in football, you have to take it one game at a time and leave it all on the field. The Steelers and Packers have to stick to their individual game plan but be able to adapt and throw it out the window. Packers QB Rogers must avoid getting another concussion and Steeler’s QB Roethlisberger must avoid raping anyone.

I would usually give you a prediction at this point as to who will win but I won’t. You see, on paper, that’s why they play the games.