More Theories About The Self Proclaimed "King of Pop"

Damned, I just came up with another Michael Jackson theory. Remember that pet chimp he had? I think it’s name was Bubbles or something stupid like that. Not long ago it was reported in the news that someone’s pet chimp chewed the face right off an unfortunate woman. Chimps are, after all, wild animals and are prone to going “ape shit” and chewing people’s hands, faces and even genitals off. Maybe this happened to Michael and that weird face of his was plastic surgery to hide the results of such a simian attack.

Chimps are a lot stronger than humans and even the cute, seemingly domesticated ones can go rogue at any given moment. Powerful shock collars and hefty weaponry should always be employed when fucking around with apes. Better yet, leave them the fuck alone in their natural habitats! Get a goddamned cat! Although I did have a cat once that almost chewed the face off my drummer.

Just Beat It

That squeaky voiced pedophile freak show Michael Jackson won’t be down for breakfast anymore. Or at least that’s what people claim. I think he is still alive and pulling a Howard Hughes on us. He was getting so reclusive and weird, not to mention staggeringly in debt, that I bet you he faked his own death. He will no doubt have his plastic surgeon turn him back into an African American and then Michael will moon walk into oblivion. Maybe he will move to North Korea. I won’t miss him.