Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Come On You Pussies!

OK, beeyotches. Where the hell are my goddamned guest blogs? Huh? Afraid they won't be up to the lofty standards of Wheelgun Bob? Maybe you are afraid of ole Wheel Gun himself. Think he might come over and sling some lead in your general direction if you say something that'll ruffle his feathers? What a sad lot you are! Come on! Don't be afraid. Get on the stick!

To paraphrase the immortal Jumpin' Johnney: "Blog To Rock Death!"

Friday, January 20, 2006

Show Me Some Love

Hey, I need a favor from you guys. I’m doing some training next week so I will be a busy little mutha fucka. I have class from 8AM until 4:30PM and then I have to hightail it an hour to work and be there until at least midnight. All week. So I will be in need of some guest blogs. Please submit them to: flyingsaucerrock@yahoo.com.

Any subject will do. You can, for instance, do a scathing send up of my blogging style. For example, how I pick on the poor Republicans all the time. Write your favorite Wheel Gun Bob story! Or endeavor to create the most obscene/scatological blog ever. I know a couple of you fuckers out there are at least my equal as far as those things go. And a couple of you might be worse.

Maybe write a piece that has absolutely nothing to do with anything I blog about. Like a pie recipe. Or how you are a big fan of tossing the caber. Or a poem about basements. The possibilities, unlike my blog subjects, are limitless.

Come on now; don’t let me down like the last time. My mind will be totally preoccupied by computer minutia next week. Unless there is a cute chick in my class.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Diss Robe

I was getting a chuckle out of the Alito nomination hearings these last couple days. For those of you who don't follow such things (after all, Springer and Oprah are no doubt more entertaining), Alito is President Gump's nominee to the highest court in the land, The Supreme Court. I believe he is replacing the retiring Diana Ross. And the US Senate holds hearings on nominees. Lotsa hi-jinx always ensue.

To be truthful, they were pretty boring. No pubic-hair-on-the-Coke-can moments like the Thomas hearings. The amusing aspect was how the Republicans sucked Alito's dick constantly, as no doubt Little Dick Cheney ordered them to, while the Democrats challenged Alito again and again on the same old shit with plenty of bluster. Teddy Kennedy especially sounded like a complete fool. Let’s face it, our elected representatives are jackasses.

I wish they had found out that Alito liked to cross dress and had a fetish for albino lesbian dwarf nuns or something. Or was caught masturbating under his robe once. Or had a history drunken tomfoolery. Instead we will get a reasonably competent supreme court judge who will rubber stamp all the Republican bullshit such as giving the president unlimited powers and chipping away at our rights. Yee haw!

Well, I gotta get back to work. It's been a damned busy week here in IT land. I will endeavor to blog more frequently and more coherently once the work load lightens.

Monday, January 09, 2006

I Love The Flower Girl

Well, I finally hauled my corpulent carcass to the gym. I have not been working out the last few weeks due to a knee problem. And I made the mistake of weighing myself. I broke the scale. But who really cares? I’ve got a great personality.

The mid winter doldrums have hit. Shit, January and February are the two worst goddamned months of the year. Eight weeks of seasonal depressive hell. It gets so cold nipples can cut glass, the price of heating oil keeps going up (unless you are a friend of Darth Cheney’s), there is ice everywhere which isn’t too bad unless you are old and/or have fucked up knees and your johnson shrinks to a size that would embarrass a lightly hung marmoset. Give me 95 and humid any day.

Two things that add to my personal hell. One is that I used up all my fucking days off when my knee blew up on me recently so I have no days off for the foreseeable future. May 29th is my next holiday at work. I might not even be alive by then! And two is that on February 24th I turn 39 years old. As I have the last seven birthdays. You do the math. No doubt I will do a very witty, thought provoking blog on what I want for my birthday before the momentous day. Stay tuned.

But don’t get me wrong. I’m not all that unhappy. It could be worse. I could be Barry Cowsill.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Get Yur Spill Buckets Ready! First Blog Of 2006!

You guys, you won't believe this shit. I came into work yesterday and went to my cube and who should be sitting in my chair? The goddamned Russian intern we had this summer! I thought for a second I had gone back a few months in time (actually, that wouldn't be too bad since I hate winter). He was just sitting there idly playing with a laptop. I blurted out (probably a bit too loudly) "What the fuck are you doing here? You're just visiting, right?" Nope. Turns out the commie cretin is here for his winter break from college. Three weeks! Why, God, are you punishing me? I'm sorry about craping all over "intelligent design". I'm sorry about dissing your other son George W. Bush. No more! I promise.

When I came in today, Turnyourheadandkov asked me if he could re-install the operating system for my computer like he had nothing better to do. "Eet is runnink slow" the Eastern European imbecile mumbled. I said, again probably a bit too loudly, "No shit its running slow! It's an Optiplex 260 that’s about three years old! It’s not an engineering workstation for chrissakes. If you want to speed it up, steal more memory from another computer. And stop installing your stupid fucking shit on it that just slows it down more." Fuck me dead.

On to more important things. I feel bad for those poor dead miners in West Virginia. I know West Va. is not the best or brightest state in the union. Hell, an orgy and a family reunion is the same thing down there. But my dad came from a mining town in Pennsylvania. And I've been in a real mine and you've got to really need to provide for your family in order to do that kind of work. I think about that when things get shitty around here at my job (see above paragraphs). It can't compare.

I heard the mining company that owned the mine that blew-up got fined or could get fined 100K safety violations. That's a lot. Food for thought - if you say "fuck" on the radio, you can get fined 250K. The gummint’s got its head so far up its ass that you would need a serious mining operation to find it. But fear not, our war time hero president is going to launch an "investigation" into the accident. How far do you suppose that will go since the mine is no doubt owned by some fucking subsidiary of Halliburton? Sorry, God, I almost forgot.

It looks like I might need to go under the knife for my bum knee. It could be worse. The poor Cod God is getting his spine replaced soon. Which brings up an interesting scenario - A healthy Cod God. What would that be like? Anyway, I go in for an MRI in a couple weeks. I hope I fit in the damned thing. Due to my lack of exercise and over indulgence during the holidays, I have gained quite a bit of weight. And I was doing Jenny Craig but I had to stop because her husband found out.