The Purloined Soda

Now I’m really pissed. Someone has stolen my goddamned soda two nights in a row! I keep my stuff in a communal refrigerator near engineering. The head security guard here thinks it’s one of those “fuckin’ Indians – I see them snoopin’ around all the time.” He wanted me to steal someone else’s soda as “an eye for an eye.” But I won’t.

So I have to figure out how to booby trap or poison my next soda. I’ll get the fucker, just you wait. Maybe I will piss in it. Any ideas how to seal a can back up after you open it?

I shouldn’t have even come to work today. Massive flooding everywhere. I went down a road that was closed (as was everyone else) and was almost swept off the road by a river flowing over it. Then about three miles further down, the cops turned us all around. Back over the river. I’m not even sure how I got here. And I’m not sure how to get the hell out of here tonight.

Even More Of The Famous Letters Of Lord Fuckworth To His Personal Physician

Dear Dr. Porksword:

I didn’t realize this until recently, but apparently I have a “one off” anus. It’s only contractually obligated to extrude one shit. Now, I have had approximately 21,347 dumps in my life with out a peep of complaint from my “ano.” But after a somewhat difficult elimination the other day, Admiral Pukery (nickname for my anus) finally brought up this old contract. What to do now?

I will listen to “Clowny Clown Clown” by Crispin Hellion Glover over and over again until you some how mediate this difficulty.

-Lord Fuckworth


Lord Fuckworth:

It sounds like an "adhesion" contract. No...it does not involve fecal matter adhering to your thigh. It is similar to the contracts that pop up on your screen when you are loading software...the ones no one reads and just clicks "yes". More likely than not, you entered into a point and click contract with uranus...uh...your anus. There are several legal poopholes...er...loopholes.

However, threatening the admiral with a good buggering should loosen him up. If that doesn't work, try a champagne enema and kind words. If all else fails, pour molten glass into the stubborn pucker!

Doc Porksword.

As A Great Philosopher Once Said (part 1)

True, there are lonely ladies all over New England. I really ought to whip it out and slap them in the face with it.

You know, come to think about it, if everyone whipped it out and slapped the other fuckers in the face with it, there would be less problems in this world.

Think about it. Hitler gets a big pink English willy upside the head from Churchill. What can he say or do? He has one testicle! He retreats back into some hole.

Clinton clubs Dubya in the ear with Little Bill. Gore gets elected.

Ho Chi Minh whips it out, plinks it on the table. Lyndon Johnson thumps the table in two. No more Viet Nam war.

Randy Johnson (sounds like a porn name) hangs it out while he pitches but no one notices. Big Papi charges the mound, swinging his like Indiana Jones does with a whip. THWACK ! Forget the homerun. Game's over. Series is over.

New Stunts For David Blaine

I’ve got a ton of crap to do tonight so I will make this extra quick. Have you guys been paying attention to this "magician" who hung out in a giant fishbowl for over a week? Pretty stupid. I have some other ideas he might try in the future:

1. Stay in a giant jar of Play dough for a week. At the end, he extrudes himself out in the shape of a star.

2. Run across the country in a giant hamster ball.

3. Spend a week in a pile of cow manure dressed as a giant fly.

4. Spend a month at Club Gitmo.

5. Eat for an entire month at a Denny's without shitting.

6. Use Windows ME for a week.

7. Cover himself with bubble gum and stick himself to the underneath of a giant table for a month.

8. Do nothing but sit in an armchair watching porns while drinking beer and eating pizza for a year (sorry - that's my fantasy).

9. Dress as a giant slinky and get pushed down the steps of one of those pyramids in Mexico.

10. Immerse himself in a giant bottle of Yoo Hoo and drink his way out. Then he must eat a giant bag of Cheese Doodles.

11. Get dressed in an all cotton suit and spend a week in a menstruating whale snatch.


I'm sure you guys can come up with some. Let me know. I will email the list to David Blaine's web site.

Bed Full Of Fat Immigrants

Now our shit-head president is telling us what language to sing the national anthem in! I guess someone came out with a Spanish version of said anthem for some reason and W thinks it should only be warbled in ‘Merkan (English). I personally don't give a rat's mons venerous what language you sing it in. Personally, I really don't care if you sing it at all. I would rather you sing “Bed Full of Fat Chicks” by The Tunnel Rats. But our astronomically asinine decider-in-chief was all excited because this anthem-in-Spanish thing is such a typical yahoo Republican distraction issue like flag burning or school prayer or fags getting’ hitched. Damned immigrants! How dare they sing our sacred song in some filthy unchristian foreign language! It won't be long before some Fox News fuckwad like Bill O'Reilly wants to rename Spanish rice "Freedom Rice." I tell you folks, don't be blinded by the yahooery. The rich are getting richer and we are getting poorer by the day.

This just in – Bush’s approval rating in New Hampshire is now at only 30%. I know, I know, it’s hard to believe that 3 out of 10 people anywhere still approve of the fucker. But that’s below the national average by a few points. See, my contention has been all along is that although NH is a conservative state overall, our conservos aren’t stupid drones that robotically follow the government neoconservative bullshit propaganda like those goobers in the flyover states do.

Also, check this link out (thanks BFace ) if any of you reading this (or, I should say, having this read to you) are one of those 30%.

This just even more in! - "When visiting cities like Chicago, Milwaukee, or Philadelphia, in pivotal states, George W. Bush would drop in at Hispanic festivals and parties, sometimes joining in singing “The Star-Spangled Banner” in Spanish, sometimes partying with a “Viva Bush” mariachi band flown in from Texas."