Saturday, November 29, 2008

Christmas is for Christians only!

As you know, I’m not one of those guys who goes on constantly about how much he hates this thing or that. Ok, with the possible exception of anything related to the Bush administration. Now I’m going to let you in on something that I despise with all my being (which is really saying something since I have a lot of being). It’s this whole mythical “war against Christmas” bullfuck that Bill O’Reilly and the other slithering shitheads go on about at this time every year. The “War on Christmas,” they tell us, is the left’s attempt to secularize a Christian holiday. There is even this horse’s ass who rates how “Christmas friendly” stores are by how their catalogs reflect the upcoming season. If they dare use the phrase “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” then they should be boycotted according to this dick. Well fuck you guys and the reindeer you rode in on.

I don’t give a polar bear’s pudendum if someone say’s “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Hanukkah” or “Go fuck yourself an elf!” O’Reilly and his malodorous ilk have no right to tell me or anyone how to celebrate this time of year or how we should express it. Not only that, this whole “war on Christmas” doesn't really exist. It’s another example how the right wing makes shit up about the evil liberals and how they are turning America into a godless nation. I tell you what, the only person I know who is dead set against anything to do with Christmas happens to be a fundamentalist Christian! All my commie liberal pals love Christmas and, believe it or not, some even go to church when they are not busy turning state secrets over to the Soviet Union.

Apparently, you must be a Christian in order to celebrate Christmas. Sorry, guys, I have my own damned religion and nobody is going to tell me that since I’m not a Christian I can’t celebrate Christmas! This is supposed to be a free country without the establishment of a religion. Nobody owns Christmas. If you want to celebrate Christmas by tying everything to Jesus, then more power to you. But don’t you dare tell me I can’t put that little plastic manger on the railroad tracks under the Christmas tree and run a train into it! Besides, I always glued the baby Jesus and the wise men back in afterwards.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Mr. Wheelgun Goes to Washington

I want a position in Barak Obama’s cabinet, hopefully sitting on my fat ass sipping a martini. The possibilities are Secretaries of Agriculture, Commerce, Defense, Education, Energy, Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, Housing and Urban Development, Interior, Labor, State, Transportation, Treasury, Veterans Affairs, and Attorney General. So which one for me? Or perhaps they should add a new one like Secretary of Beer or Secretary of Lingerie. As Secretary of Lingerie, I would make sure all good looking chicks had to wear short skirts and thigh-highs. Kind of like the exact opposite of an Islamic country.

So Mr. Obama, this is what I would do if you were so smart as to offer me a position in your cabinet:

Secretary of Agriculture:
I would push through huge subsidies for growers of hops and barley.

Secretary of Commerce:
I would get rid of all interstate trucking and make people use trains to transport goods. I hate getting stuck behind trucks.

Secretary of Defense:
Who’s kidding who? It’s Secretary of Offense! I would lob MOABs at unsuspecting countries every now and then just to let the world know that America still kicks ass!

Secretary of Energy:
Jaeger Bombs (Red Bull energy drink and Jagermeister) for everybody!

Secretary of Education:
Would mandate the wearing of catholic school girl uniforms for all high school girls, their mothers and their female teachers.

Secretary of Health and Human Services:
Appoint myself “Gyno General.”

Secretary of Homeland Security:
I would make repelling alien invasions from outer space my top priority.

Secretary of Housing and Urban development:
Yurts for the homeless.

Secretary of The Interior:
I would give back everything to the American Indians and make everyone of European descent live in a reservations.

Secretary of Labor:
Mandate a 2 day work week for everyone but strippers and allow drinking alcohol in all work places.

Secretary of State:
Pursue relations with inter-dimensional beings.

Secretary of Transportation:
New law - the size of your car would have to be inversely proportional to your penis length. I wonder if I could fit into a Matchbox car?

Secretary of Veterans Affairs:
Would find an answer to this question - for how many years do you have to have an affair for it to qualify?

Secretary of Treasury:
I would commission a design for the new three dollar bill that would have Little Richard’s face on it.

Attorney General:
Go after all those fuckers in the Bush administration that broke the law. Which would be a tough thing to do with only a 2 day work week.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Champion Johnson

Jimmie Johnson just won his 3rd straight NASCAR championship. I know some kids who think the name Jimmie Johnson is hilarious. You know, his first and last names are both aliases for the male genitalia. Makes you wonder if his middle name is Peter, hee-hee. Anyway, I was watching the final race of the season last night whilst pounding Bud pounders waiting for drag racing, my true love, to come on. A thought came to me as they usually do when I’m well lubricated. What if they started one half of the field of cars going clockwise around the track and the other half going counterclockwise at the same time? It would put figure 8 or enduro to shame. Can you imagine two cars each going 180MPH slamming into each other head on? It would be a combined speed of 360MPH, even faster than a top fuel dragster! It would be a race full of cars playing “chicken” with each other and as competitive as these guys are, no one would back down. The winner (and only survivor) would probably be some rookie trying his best to avoid everyone else. There would be no more three time champions like Jimmie Johnson. The ratings would be huge.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

My Sore Foot

Oh my little droogies, here I am in bed with a very sore and swollen foot, a possible case of “arthritic sepsis” or something they tell me. But I am poppin’ the ole pills! Yessa! And as is usual with something like this, my pain and suffering will be your education/entertainment/salvation since I’m working up an inflamed blog just for you, my faithful worshippers! God, does life get any better?

I know you are just bursting at the seams wondering my take on the recent presidential elections. We are going to have a black dude as president! Actually, I couldn’t care less about what f’n color he is just so long as he isn’t the pallid grayish white of the current holder of the office. And let me go on record saying that the developmentally disabled dipshit that has been our president for almost 8 long, torturous (in more ways than one) years is the worst one ever. EVER! Boy, I’m going out on a limb with that one, huh?

Actually, I feel sorry for Mr. Obama. He is getting handed a real steaming pile of stinking shit to deal with. I don’t envy him at all. Good luck. Oh, and one other observation – Mrs. Obama will be the hottest first lady of all time, supplanting Jackie-O for the honor in my humble opinion. Little Wheelgun stands right at attention just thinking about it.

And speaking of those with vaginas, Sarah Palin just won’t go away. She is positioning herself (down, little Wheelgun, down!) to run for president in 4 years, assuming she knows that presidents serve for four years at a time. And the neocon-jobbers are lovin’ it since Sarah, just like Bush (the current president, not the pubic hair), is a dim incurious tabula rasa that they can attach their puppet strings to. And she is of course a fundamentalist Christian (gullible moron) which helps their cause as well. And there are a lot of Joe the fucking six-pack Nascar Walmart plumbers around to fall for it come election time.

Shit, my foot hurts! And what really sucks is that I had started going back to the gym (chicks take note) to start sculpting my Adonis like physique back to it’s studly self. Now I must lie in bed blobbing out until such time as I can walk, let alone pump massive iron. Maybe I will contact Jose Conseco and see if he can get me some of the juice so I can short-circuit the process somewhat. I hear he’s in Mexico looking for his lost manhood.

Now, I wonder who would win in an IQ contest between Jose, Sarah Palin and George Bush? Actually their combined IQs might make a sea-monkey a bit jealous.

Monday, November 03, 2008

How Are Your Chads Hanging?

For those of you planning on staying home tomorrow getting drunk and rubbing one out instead of voting, consider this from my pal Marc:

What will I be doing on Election day? I will spend most of the day at home, and I will not be going to work. Why? Because I live in Russia, and in Russia, it's a holiday. That's right, over here in the EVIL EMPIRE they get our election day off, but Americans have to juggle going to work, driving the kids around, and going to the poles. Voting becomes another thing on our already long to do list. In Russia it happens to be: "Day of National Unity."

Every year it is said that such a small percentage of Americans vote, and it's some sort of shame, but every year voting just gets harder, not easier. Have you been erased from the rolls? Will you have to fight for the right that men and women have died so that you can have? Do you have the proper ID if your state requires it, do you have to lie up at the booth and then again to get your vote into the computerized reader? Did you successfully fill in the ballot? Are you chads hanging?

Every year some or other wack-o proposes the following crazy idea of solving the problem, this year I am that wack-o. Election day should be a national holiday. This will leave everyone plenty of time to vote, and stand in line if necessary, and defend their rights, and even jump through the hoops required. Then celebrate this right! Have parties, make pumpkin pies out of old halloween pumpkins, help those who can't easily get out to vote do that. Volunteer at the poles, most election workers are retirees, because only they have that day to volunteer. It makes more sense in every way. For those who think adding one more holiday to the calendar is not good, we can take one away, Presidents Day for example, isn't it more important to elect a President then go shopping for a car? And with that rhetorical question I think I just hit on something, some would say the answer is NO, especially if your job is selling cars. The fact is the people in charge of creating this voting holiday are the same people who it may not benefit.

I'm not talking about Republicans OR Democrats, I'm taking about Republicans AND Democrats. The people in power make the election rules, and they aren't about to do something that's not in their own interest. More turn out at the poles would change the fragile balance of the American political system. What would it do, I don't think that anyone can really tell, but what is for sure is a lot of people who ordinarily don't vote would vote, and it wouldn't be 51/49 anymore. Some people would say SHHHH... you don't really want those people voting anyway, they'll vote against your interests. I give Americans more credit, I think that it could open the door to a third party, more independent candidates, and all sorts of new opportunities in democracy. As I said I am writing this from Russia. Where they get their election day off, as well as ours. They have a one party majority, we have just one more choice. Here in Moscow, the Moscow Times reported a quote from the Chechen president on the eve of his re-election saying "I expected very high turn out, 100% maybe even more." We can easily look at their one party majority that they have carved for themselves and say that it's unfair, but honestly our two party system is just one step away from that. I believe a national holiday for elections can help save our democracy. Making the day a holiday will give it the reverence we need to really teach civic responsibility, the importance of the vote and voter education.

Also it will up turn out on non Presidential or Congressional election years. These are the times when people who try to slip the crookedest ballot legislation past us, once again low turn out give them their power to do this. And like any other holiday we can gather with family and friends, or we can go out drinking, or it would be a great day for football, of course it's too early to make for a bowl game for the day, but and election day double header would be a very American way to celebrate such a day. Lets face it, our fall holidays as they are now kinda suck. There's Thanksgiving, also known as get in a fight with your drunk uncle day, and Halloween which is fine if you're a kid, or your an adult who wants to dress as a Nazi or prostitute one day a year, but it's not a real celebration of anything, just an excuse to eat candy or get drunk.

Where will I be on election day? I'll be in bed. Maybe I'll wonder if my absentee ballot was ever received maybe not, and most likely I won't even get the results until the next day. So when you're rushing around trying to get everything done and somehow vote, or if you're like millions of Americans who intend to vote but just don't do it because there not enough time, remember me being oppressed over here in the pseudo-democracy with all the time in the world on November 4th.

For your info, Marc, my chads are hanging low. I also intend to vote tomorrow come hell or high water.