Saturday, February 24, 2007

2496 Weeks And Counting

Today is my birthday and here is what you can get me:

.500 Smith & Wesson - So I can shoot the elephants or Alaskan brown bear that I occasionally see in my back yard.

Any thing from here:

Parts for a new computer so I can build a Vista machine. Why? So I can review Windows Vista for you, my dear readers. “But you’re an IT fag, surely you can test Vista out at work, right?” Wrong. First of all, my name isn’t Shirley and, secondly, the company I work for is in the middle of licensing renewal negotiations with Microsoft so they ain’t getting any free software (I will devote a blog to this situation soon). Maybe sis-in-law Wheel Gun Maggie will let me play with her new computer.

A gift certificate to the Frank Hawley School of Drag Racing. Hey, I have great reflexes and I’m straight.

A bottle of real Absinthe. Like I could use a little more neurotoxins in my miserable life.

A lifting of the restraining order that keeps me away from my girlfriend Kari Byron.

Tickets to see the Boston Red Sox at Fenway. I know this is a lot to ask for since it costs more to see a game there than it does to put an addition on your house. Speaking of the Sox, have you seen pictures of Curt Shilling at spring training? My god! The guy is so fat that the Red Sox had to call out the National Guard to have him disperse. I know, I know, I should talk.

A trip to Las Vegas with BFace and Anda.

A “Rat ball” - See following blogs for explanation.

A healthy and happy grand nephew Wheel Gun Leo so I can corrupt him.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Gaybona 500

A quick post before the Daytona 500.

My prediction: Matt Kenseth will win. Or Tony Stewart.

Michael Waltrip is so gay that my ass hurts just thinking about it. Being gay is no big deal but those NASCAR fellers are all red neck god boys who probably believe gay people are evil.

I think cheating should be encouraged in NASCAR. I also think they should have lotsa folding chairs in the pits so the drivers can smack each other with them.

I preffer drag racing. 8,000HP vs. 700HP, 330MPH vs. 190MPH.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Rewarding Bad Behavior, etc.

“Damn it, Wheelgun, would you just get off your fucking fat ass and write us all a new blog?” Yes, yes, alright. Here it is. And remember, be careful what you ask for…

Isn’t it a riot that we are giving the krazy North Koreans a bunch of oil and money so they will hopefully bust up their nuke program! Hey, you Neo-clowns, isn’t that “rewarding bad behavior”? Isn’t that what Clinton did? Took you fucking Einsteins six years to figure that one out, huh? Are we also going to let Kim Jong Elvis have his cognac back?

Two frequently asked questions I get about the late Anna Nicole Smith I will answer for you now: No, I am not the father of her baby. And no, I would not have sex with her corpse no matter how drunk I was. Now, I have a bunch of questions for you about her. Like, who the hell was she? Why was she famous? She didn’t sing or dance or act, right? Or am I wrong? Wasn’t she just a Playboy bunny who married an old rich guy? Jesus, I gotta visit the doctor’s waiting room more often so I can catch up on my People Magazines.

“Barack Obama!” is not the noise your morning dump made whilst exiting your posterior. Or maybe it is. But it is also the name of a guy running for president. Actually there are a bunch of people and Hillary Clinton running for president. I will endeavor to research them all and report back to you with my learned recommendations. My morning dump’s report, by the way, was “Thurl Ravenscroft!”

Pitchers and catchers report to spring training this Thursday (a sign winter’s almost over? No. Big storm brewing tonight and for the next 24 hours. I will have to drive through it three times to get to work and back starting tonight. That’s going to suck shit). Now we will be able to see Bukkake Matszusaki pitch and see if he was worth $102 million. He must win a minimum of 15-17 games this year or else it’s sayonara.

Blog things to look forward to in the near future:

A new look. I will be revamping this blog because it looks boring. Kinda like its subject matter, now that I think of it. But I will redesign it, put a new picture up, etc. As soon as I can find the time and the desire.

My 48th birthday wish list.

I will be doing a NASCAR preview and picks before the Daytona 500.

A Windows Vista review.

I will devote an entire blog to my new girlfriend Kari Byron of Mythbusters fame (sorry, Hillary Swank).