Thursday, April 29, 2010

Into The Universe With Wheel Gun Bob

My blogs always have a certain prescient quality about them. This was no more in evidence than my recent submission about aliens preparing for an attack on Earth. A man who is near my intellectual equal, Stephen Hawking, has basically come out with the same warning in his new Discovery Channel show “Into The Universe with Stephen Hawking.” He states we should avoid alien contact or we could end up like the native Americans did after Columbus. No shit, Professor. I have been saying the same thing for years. Of course I always take it further and delve into specific scenarios of alien invasion and how to defend one’s self during such a catastrophe.

My educational background may not quite match that of Stephen Hawking’s but I was a physics major in college for a couple months. Plus I am the Lucasian Professor Of Garage Rock. So I know what the hell I’m talking about.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Harold Huge And Other Reminiscences

Eons ago I worked in a bookstore. I believe it was not long after the Gutenberg press was invented. We had piles and piles of books and remainders, you know the books that didn’t sell as well and were put on sale for drastically reduced prices. Amongst the regular characters who used to peruse these mountains of books was an enormous man who would waddle in, huffing and puffing, red faced and sweating with exertion. He would find a stool and kick it over to whichever pile or shelf he was interested in browsing. He would then plop himself down on this unfortunate stool, all but obliterating every trace of it with his folds of blubber.

Now don’t get me wrong since I am no Adonis myself but this guy was incredibly fat. I would guess he was about 5’ 7” and weighed 500LBS, 25 of which were muscle and bone. Jesus he was a slobby fat porker. And as if assaulting your eyes wasn’t enough, he had another outstanding feature that assaulted your nose – he smelled like Death’s rectum. He reeked to high hell and would cause mass evacuations of whichever aisle he decided to stuff himself into.

All my coworkers refused to get near him so when he struggled up to the register with his pile of books, I always had to ring him up. I had a few conversations with him and he seemed like a decent enough fellow. One day he bought a book about circus freaks that I had recently purchased myself. We discussed it briefly as I recall and then he stomped his way out of the store. That was the last I saw of him save the time a few months later when I glanced in my rear view mirror will driving and noticed a car behind me listing badly towards the driver’s side. The driver was none other than the huge man himself. And that was it. Never saw him in person again.

Fast forward many, many years to about 7 or 8 years ago. Flipping channels on a Saturday, I can across a show which I believe was on the history Channel. It was a documentary about the last of the carnival sideshows and it featured a very familiar fat man. At one point he tells the story of how he came to be in the circus sideshow and it involved going into a certain bookstore, buying a book on circus freaks and coming to the realization he was fatter than most of the fat men in it. The legend of Harold Huge had been born right in front of me.

Bruce Snowden was his real name and he also came to have a bit part in the odd film “Big Fish” by odd director Tim Burton. Claiming to weigh over 700LBS he actually “only” tipped the scales at about 600. Of course nowadays that’s nothing since you regularly hear about people weighing in at almost half a ton.

I was telling some coworkers about Harold Huge the other day and decided to look him up on the web to see if he was still in a sideshow. I discovered he had died last November in a nursing home at age 64. He was survived by a cousin and brother who didn't even know he had passed away until a couple months later. A sad ending for a large man.

Friday, April 23, 2010


[Ed. Note – Not sure why but Wheelgun Bob will go on a blogging bender for a few days and then not be heard from again for several weeks. We are trying desperately to get him to start drinking again.]

So, I have been at this blogging thing for 6 years and have created 250 blogs. This means that, at my current prodigious output, in about 18 years from now I will have posted 1000 blogs. I will be 69 years old then and it will be the year 2028. The future doesn’t look so bleak now does it?

Back to the present. I was on an internet news website the other day and two of the top 5 “news” headlines referred to TV shows. One show was “Dancing With The Stars” and the other “American Idol.” I have never had the pleasure (or pain) or even mild interest to see either of these shows but apparently when someone either wins or fails at whatever they do, it makes headlines. How sad a commentary on contemporary American culture is that? The Yellowstone caldera could have blown, wiping out half this country, and people would be more concerned with whoever the hell was voted off “Survivor.” I bet those shows are awesome entertainment for those with vacuous minds.

Looks like I’m going to have to haul out Rita Mae (my trusty .357) and go Elvis on some TVs.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Meteorites Or????

Folks, I’m a little concerned these days. I have seen a few articles in the news recently about apparent meteorites exploding in the skies above our heads, one of which was over Wisconsin. They may be meteors but I suggest an alternative explanation. Far be it for me to needlessly worry anyone, but I believe an alien attack may be imminent. I think advance alien scout vessels have been reconnoitering our planet and secret earth defenses have been blasting them to smithereens. Good thing since we don’t want them to get the lay of the land in preparation for the onslaught. But once the green blooded bitches figure out Google Earth, look out. Hopefully the fuckers will get the pop-up that reads “you may have been infected with a virus, click here to install Anti-Virus 2010” and they will become afflicted with an earth born computer virus! An information age twist on the War Of The Worlds scenario, no?

I have at times in this informative yet highly entertaining blog suggested various defenses against an invasion from outer space. I will not reiterate them here since you have no doubt committed them all to memory. Suffice it to say, be well armed! We want the rivers flowing with green blood when the time comes. In your face (or wherever your sensory organs are) you tentacled muthafuckas!

So if you see any fireballs in the sky at night, you know our boys have just picked off another one.

P.S. I will be selling my Anal Probe Avoidance Kits (APAKs) soon.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Spring Time For Wheel Gun

I have been doing this idiotic blog for 6 years! I started it as a favor to my nephew The Cod God who has long since dropped off the face of the earth but I just keep chugging along. Not one for fads, I eschew the hipper forms of online communications. Old fashioned blogging is like a fine aged wood compared the cheap plastic of Face Book or Twitter. Actually, If I had my druthers, I would tap out my blogs in Morse Code if any would listen. No one reads my blogs as it is so maybe I will. Or perhaps I will stand on the roof of my bachelor pad and communicate them through semaphore. I bet at least a few of the fishermen off the harbor would understand. Anyway, time for my annual spring time random thoughts blog:

I think it’s a riot that a volcano in Iceland has pretty much halted trans Atlantic air travel. I can just imagine what fine volcano dust would do to a jet turbine. “Fuck it up” would be the technical term. This might just be the impetus for the aerospace industry to really develop scramjets or ramjets. New York to London in one hour! No time for the shitty in-flight movie. Hell, never mind that, get to work on a goddamned transporter like you see on Star Trek! I want to get transported as far the hell away from here as possible.

The Red Sox are truly blowing dead dog early in the season. I’m sure they will turn it around eventually before they swoon again towards the end of the season. But at least its baseball! Baseball = Spring = Renewal = Hope = Beer.

I was going to go on a bit about the tea baggers but I think you already know my opinion of them. So where the hell were they during the largest expansion of federal power ever, which occurred during the Bush administration? I guess federal power is OK if it’s in the hands of a white Republican.

Man, I was downtown recently during a warm day and the chickage was truly awe inspiring. That’s the thing I like most about spring. That and the fact it is no longer fucking winter.